MONDAY, DECEMBER 3 The jig is up, Hollyweird! For years you've tried to convince us your perfect faces (and tits) are the products of unsullied genetics, and not from the snipping, slicing, and sewing of discreet plastic surgeons. And for years, these surgeons have kept your dirty little secrets. WELL, NO MORE. Now, according to Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Raj Kanodia, 60 percent of actresses in Hollyweird have had cosmetic surgery—and Kanodia would know, being the doc who allegedly lopped off the excess noses of Cameron Diaz, Ashlee Simpson, and Jennifer Aniston. (We have to admit... he does nice work.) However, at least one actress isn't going to take this accusation lying down; Scarlett Johansson is threatening Us Weekly with a lawsuit after they wrote that she (along with many other A-listers) had a nose trim. ScarJo vehemently denies the claim, saying the tab is damaging her rep and alienating her fans. (Mmm... fans? Honey, we saw you in Girl with a Pearl Earring, and it looks like someone gave you a talentectomy.) Even more disturbing? Nowadays even people who look like they need plastic surgery have probably already had it! OK! Magazine reports that Britney Spears "already underwent lip enhancement and forehead Botox." Next on the list? Liposuction, a mini tummy tuck, more work on her nose (this is reportedly her second nose-bob), and a breast lift (reportedly her third). That's what we've always wanted: Tits that look like Joan Rivers' face.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 4 Last week, we reported that Britney topped the naughty list on Santa's "Naughty or Nice" yearly round-up. And, as it turns out, she really is naughtier than her closest competition, Paris Hilton. Today the London Daily Mail reported that Britney sent a letter to Paris, ordering her to stop being so rude to Brit and members of her entourage... or else what? Or else Britney will release to the internet video footage of Hilton and a pal engaging in a lesbian romp (Hubby Kip's favorite kind of romp). Okay, Brit—how about this instead. We'll ALL start being nicer to you if you DON'T release the video. (We've seen enough night-vision shots of Hilton's genitalia to last us a lifetime.) MEANWHILE... So it's one thing to blackmail a porn heiress. It's quite another thing to be a bajillionaire and steal from a poor gas station owner—which is exactly what Britney has done. After stopping in a Sherman Oaks Chevron for some gum, Brit decided to walk out with a Bic lighter... and without paying! Even worse, when a paparazzo confronted her about it, she replied sarcastically, "I stole something. Oh, I'm bad!" The gas station owner, Jatinder Kaur, confirmed the tale, telling People: "Yes, Britney stole a blue lighter here last night. The lighter is $1.39. I'm hoping maybe the next time she comes back she will pay for it." DO THE RIGHT THING, BRITNEY! Either give the man his $1.39—or at least show him Paris Hilton's lesbian romp!
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 5 In far more distressing news, a 19-year-old high school dropout celebrated getting dumped by his girlfriend and fired from his job at McDonald's by going on a shooting rampage in an Omaha shopping mall today, killing eight before turning the gun on himself. Here come the holidays, people—be careful out there. MEANWHILE... Republican Mitt Romney—that super conservative Ken doll who acts like he just hitched a ride from the 1950s in Marty McFly's DeLorean—had a lot of 'xplaining to do today to Iowa voters who are all wondering if they really want a Mormon president. His closest opponent, Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, is quickly gaining ground with Christians who don't quite get all of Romney's Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints stuff. So in a speech today in Texas—un-coincidentally in the same place where John F. Kennedy allayed the nation's fears about his Catholicism—Romney assured voters he would not be a "spokesman for his faith." In fact, he'll never even bring it up. Especially the stuff about their bible being golden tablets that were buried in upstate New York... and that they used to be polygamists. Mum's the word.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 6 Today actor Kiefer Sutherland—best known for playing TV's Jack Bauer on 24—accomplished a feat that's almost unheard of in Hollyweird: He was sentenced to 48 days in jail, and actually went straight to his cell! AND GET THIS! He showed up 15 minutes EARLY to the courtroom, and after being sentenced issued a heartfelt apology for his crime of drinking while driving. Not only that, he seems to be intent on serving his entire 48 days behind bars, rather than a few minutes here or there (as was the case with Paris, Nicole, and Lindsay). Of course, what else is he going to do until the writers' strike is over? As we all know, prison time is the new Palm Springs.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 7 Long revered for its history of religious open-mindedness, today Germany declared the Church of Scientology unconstitutional—taking the first steps toward outlawing the organization, which enjoys a reputation in Germany as a money-grubbing cult. "This is outrageous!" declared Emperor Klaktuu, Scientology's minister of money grubbing and brainwashing, when reached for comment via holo-phone. "The unforgiving photon essence of L. Ron Hubbard shall surely wreak terrible vengeance on the German people! All Germans shall be forced to watch a dubbed version of Battlefield Earth before being sent to labor in the deadly spice mines of Xathelton 47! Where they will have to watch Battlefield Earth again! MEANWHILE... Scott Baio married his longtime girlfriend Renee Sloan today, shocking observers who did not realize he still existed.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8 This weekend, Oprah Winfrey stumped for incredibly intelligent and handsome presidential candidate Barack Obama. "I've never taken this kind of risk before, nor felt compelled to stand up and speak out before, because there wasn't anyone to stand up and speak out for," Oprah told thousands in Iowa today. Reacting to the one-two punch of Oprah/Obama, fellow candidate Hillary Clinton busted out the big guns with a supporter of her own... Chelsea Clinton! (Who, on occasion, has been known to say, "I hate you, Mom!") MEANWHILE... Conservative candidate Mike Huckabee has unexpectedly found himself the leading contender for the GOP nomination—despite a discovery that, in 1992, the Southern Baptist minister said homosexuals were a "dangerous public health risk," AIDS patients should be quarantined, and that Hollywood celebrities should fund AIDS research instead of the federal government. (Important note: We did not make any of that up. WOW. Maybe a Mormon president would be better!) In other Republican news, candidate Ron Paul promised that his campaign will soon launch a giant blimp—bearing the words "Ron Paul for President '08"—which will fly over Washington, DC before heading to Massachusetts to dump tea in Boston Harbor. Whether Paul will dress up in a headdress and war paint has yet to be disclosed, but one thing is for sure: Paul's like the Republican version of Dennis Kucinich. Absolutely adorable, and without a chance in hell.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 9 Angelina Jolie, Filipino farmers need you! The Farmers' Movement of the Philippines has formally asked the United Nations to send goodwill ambassador Jolie to the Philippines so that she can see how many "internal refugees" are in the country. When informed of this news, Hubby Kip exclaimed, "It's that easy?" before sprinting upstairs and writing a letter to United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon. We snuck a look. "Dear Banky," it began. "Please send Angelina to my house. There is an urgent 'tomb raiding' situation in need of 'goodwill ambassadorship'." Huh. Real sneaky, Kip. That "tomb" wouldn't be your "pants," would it? You'll find your "tomb," along with the rest of your things, on the front lawn.