MONDAY, JANUARY 7 First, a correction! Last week in One Day, we referred to Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney as a Seventh-day Adventist, when he is actually a Mormon. The big difference? Mormons believe that Joseph Smith found golden tablets in the ground (conveniently buried by an angel in upstate New York), while Adventists go to church on Saturday, believe that Jesus and Satan are in a war for the universe, and don't like dancing and rock music. Which is a whole different can of crazy. Sorry for the misunderstanding! MEANWHILE... Speaking of cans of crazy, even more hilariously awful details have emerged regarding Britney Spears locking herself and her kid in the mansion's bathroom, and being taken to the temporary loony bin on a stretcher. According to sources blabbing to TMZ.com, Britney was locked in the toilet with young Jayden James for three hours. When the cops did finally talk her out, she was dressed in nothing but panties (the panty designer is currently unknown). Brit was allegedly screaming/crying/laughing, "What the fuck are you doing in my house?!" and "I don't need your fucking help!" and "You will do as I say!" (Hmmm... we say these things to hubby Kip on nearly a daily basis.) BUT HERE'S THE BEST PART. When police asked Brit to put on some clothes, she responded by slipping on a see-through nightie. When the cops tried to disguise her nudity, she screamed, "Don't cover me up! I'm fucking hot!" (Let's assume she meant "temperature-wise.")
TUESDAY, JANUARY 8 After last week's Iowa caucuses wherein the dreamy Barack Obama scored a come-from-behind victory against the pursed-lipped Hillary Clinton, one would assume the same thing would happen again in New Hampshire... that is, if you believe the idiots who conduct opinion polls. However, the script was once again flipped today when Hillary put the smackdown on Barack—especially with the female population, swamping him 46 percent to 34 percent, according to the Huffington Post. Never mind that Barack is a hunky fantasy come to life, and Hillary acts and dresses like your Aunt Rhoda... it's become wildly apparent that the women of New Hampshire are screwed in the priorities department. But listen to the reasoning of clearly insane Hillary supporter Joyce Connelly of New Hampshire: "I think she's human. She's got clout." So now she appears human? Congrats, Hill. That's one step up from last month, when most voters confused her with a moldy dish mop. VOTE FOR BARACK IN NEVADA, PEOPLE! MEANWHILE... Speaking of being stabbed in the back, Democratic hopeful John Edwards received an unwelcome surprise when former running mate John Kerry threw his support to Barack Obama. BURN! However, Edwards gracefully accepted this monumental snub in his characteristically genteel manner: "Our country and our party are stronger because of John's service, and I respect his decision." Then he paused, and shaking with anger, pointed at Kerry and started screaming the lyrics to Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know."
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9 For reasons still unknown, Britney Spears has been released from the loony bin ward of the hospital, and allowed to once again cavort around town with her newest winner of a boyfriend, married paparazzo Adnan Ghalib. Britney... it's one thing to date a married man, but he has a soul patch, for the love of god! They could've kept her in the mental ward for that alone! Regardless, the pair pulled the old switcheroo on the tabloids today when, instead of jetting off to NYC as they had promised, they ended up hiding out in a Mexico hotel. Sharing a $235-a-night room at the Rosarito Beach Hotel in Ensenada, the two were obviously expecting an anonymous getaway—that is, until the staff somehow saw through Britney's cunning disguise of jeans, black boots, and a shocking pink wig. (Subtle, Brit.) Besides, who could mistake that creepy guy with the... the... soul patch? BRRRRRR!! MEANWHILE... Today it was revealed that Brit's pregnant li'l 16-year-old sis Jamie Lynn Spears has been unceremoniously dumped by her hayseed boyfriend, who is now demanding proof that he's actually the father of the child. Ohhh, hillbillies! What hilarity you bring to the world!
THURSDAY, JANUARY 10 And just so we don't depart this week thinking that Britney has cornered the market on crazy, remember a little nutbag known as Paula Abdul? With American Idol returning next week, and an obviously diminishing supply of meds, Paula has returned with another new droopy-eyed freakout. A tipster tells Radar Online that over the holidays, Paula "had an insane nervous breakdown that lasted 10 minutes" at the Continental Airlines terminal of LAX. "One minute she was hyperventilating and on the verge of passing out," said the snoop, "the next she was yelling into her cell phone in this deep, rage-filled Poltergeist voice. She kept screaming three names over and over—Michael, Sidney, and Leslie. Everyone was staring and she didn't care." What's the big mystery? It's obvious who Michael, Sidney, and Leslie are. Michael is her Prozac, Sidney is her flask of gin, and Leslie is the little blue fairy that holds her head up right. And if they don't show up soon, this could be the most entertaining American Idol yet!
FRIDAY, JANUARY 11 Well, it's official: Nicole Richie is a mother, and so is Christina Aguilera. Today at Cedars-Sinai, Nicole and boyfriend Joel Madden gave birth to Harlow Winter Kate Madden, an atrociously named baby girl, while just a few rooms away, Christina and husband Jordan Bratman squirted out Max Liron Bratman, an awkwardly named baby boy. Our own maternal instincts aside, we can't vouch for the parenting skillz of either Xtina or Nicole (don't forget to feed the baby, Nic!)—but we can say both mothers, even if they immediately abandon their babies in Cedar-Sinai's dumpsters before joining up for a three-week coke and vodka binge, will be far superior caretakers than Britney Spears. Who is, as far as we know, still in Mexico, doing god knows what.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 12 We do know, however, what veterans of the Iraq War are up to: killing people. Today the New York Times published a sobering story about their discovery of no less than 121 cases of Iraq and Afghanistan veterans having committed murder, or been charged with murder, after returning to America. "Individually, these are stories of local crimes, gut-wrenching postscripts to the war for the military men, their victims, and their communities. Taken together, they paint the patchwork picture of a quiet phenomenon, tracing a cross-country trail of death and heartbreak," the Times wrote. Blaming combat trauma and the stress of military deployment, the piece also noted that the Pentagon itself has admitted the military's mental health system is "overburdened," "understaffed," and poorly financed, with few ex-soldiers seeking post-war mental care.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 13 "We are the authorities on the mind," Tom Cruise recently said in a Scientology infomercial. "We are the way to happiness. We can bring peace and unite cultures. Now is the time." Okay, so that's nothing less than terrifying. (It doesn't help that a new unauthorized biography about Cruise alleges that Maverick himself is actually second-in-command for the Cult Church of Scientology.) Where can we turn for help? Well, not to Will Smith. Apparently, the world's other top movie star is getting sucked into Scientology as well, with the Fresh Prince—a buddy of Cruise's—reportedly giving out coupons for "personality tests" at Scientology reeducation centers on the set of his latest film. Totes obviously, this does not bode well. "This bodes incredibly well!" read a press release from Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. "Now that the pathetic Earthlings' two favorite movie stars are utterly enslaved to the spectral necroplasm of L. Ron Hubbard, we Scientologists can finally move to Step Beta XI of our Earth Dominion Plan! Thetans and non-believers, begone! Like a hunted lava-hound from the fourth moon of Granthar, your time is limited!" Translation: You're next, DJ Jazzy Jeff.