MONDAY, JANUARY 21 Ahem. You there. YES, YOU. The American Psychoanalytic Association has made a request: STOP PSYCHOANALYZING BRITNEY SPEARS! Apparently the nation's psychology community has banded together, and no longer thinks it's okay for the rest of us to make judgments in regards to Britney's sanity. Sooooo... when Brit bashes an SUV with an umbrella, shaves her head, walks around nude in a Betsey Johnson shop, or holds her son hostage for hours in the bathroom of her mansion, we're supposed to say... what? "That Britney Spears certainly is a high-spirited one, isn't she? And, oh! So very SANE!" Anyway, we've somehow wounded the fragile psyches of these psychoanalysts, and here's our formal cease and desist: "I've been very upset by this," said overly sensitive Chicago psychoanalyst Mark Smaller. "The idea of making a diagnosis of someone they've never met is completely inappropriate, and it gives mental health professionals a bad name." (Hmmm... this guy sounds a bit bipolar to us... with maybe a smidge of Napoleon complex?) MEANWHILE... Well, let's give this "psychological non-judgment" thing a try, shall we? According to Us Magazine, a "scantily clad" Britney Spears showed up at a Beverly Hills elementary school, saying she was there to pick up someone else's kids. Spears allegedly parked her car outside the school a few minutes before classes let out, "smoking cigarettes" and "talking to herself." A witness says Brit was "rambling and confused" (That's NOT a medical diagnosis!), and couldn't remember if the children she was supposed to pick up were hers, or those belonging to her new attorney. (She's not allowed to see her kids, and she doesn't have a new attorney. BUT, HEY! THAT DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S CRAZY. In fact, if you're a psychoanalyst, maybe Britney should pick up your kids, okay?)
TUESDAY, JANUARY 22 Actor Heath Ledger was found dead in his apartment today—and since there's no credible information as of this point regarding the cause of his death, let us be the first media outlet to say: "We refuse to speculate on Ledger's demise until presented with actual facts." (Ouch! That really hurt.) MEANWHILE... On such a depressing day as this, thank god for speculative Hollywood pregnancies! Star magazine is reporting that genetically engineered power couple Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are not only preggers, but preggers with TWINS! And just think, only a few years ago clones couldn't even have babies. Oh, science—what will you think of next? MEANWHILE... Not to be outdone by the Star, the latest National Enquirer is claiming that brainwashed Scientology slave Katie Holmes has also been knocked up—by someone other than Tom Cruise! (Would that make it the second time? JUST ASKING!) The tab speculates Katie's eggs have been tainted by the un-Scientological sperm of former boyfriend Chris Klein—which we all know to be complete horse hockey. Nor are we saying the child could be Tom's, whose testicles have been bronzed and hang in the Church of Scientology's grand temple. Therefore, if Katie Holmes is pregnant, there can be only one possible explanation. "Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII does not kiss and tell," said the intergalactic dictator, suppressing a sly grin. "But do not be surprised if the latest Cruise has telepathic powers, a retractable appendage, and a penchant for Thalagarian eel stew."
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23 Remember last week (as well as the week prior) when we reported that Britney Spears has missed numerous court depositions, which if she attended, could help her regain custody of her children? Well, she actually ALMOST made it this week! Last week, she touched the front steps of the courthouse, before panicking and dashing back to her car. Today, she actually made it up the stairs, into the building, and through the metal detectors! You could almost hear the paparazzi chanting, "We think you can... we think you can..." and even WE felt like she was going to make it! Until she didn't. But she did very nearly make it to the deposition room this time, before fleeing out the basement door and speeding off in her car. Plus, she didn't run over anyone, and wasn't nude—which is improvement, yes? Baby steps, people, baby steps.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 24 In political news, Republican Fred Thompson has dropped out of the race to become president. "Fred who?" "The guy who was on Law & Order." "Ohh... I thought that was Sam Waterston." Exactly. MEANWHILE... Democratic hopeful Hillary "My Mouth Looks Like the Pinched Anus of a Cat" Clinton has decided to call a truce with Barack "Stacked and He's Packed, Especially in the Back" Obama. Since being a snippy cow isn't landing her the votes she expected, Hillary is trying a different tactic, claiming, "We're all going to, on both sides I think, try to bring this debate and this campaign back to the issues that are important." That's fine by us, but if Hillary's smart, she'll tell HER street team to stop covering up the Obama fliers left by OUR street team! If she wants a war? Oh, WE'LL GIVE HER A WAR.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 25 The UK's Sun has scored a shocking interview—one from William Spears, Britney's uncle! According to the tabloid, Ol' Uncle Willie reports that Britney "started drinking when she was a 13-year-old Mickey Mouse Club presenter and dabbled with drugs from the age of 14." "She has tried just about everything," Big Willie gushed to the Sun. "Cocaine, crystal meth, ecstasy." Wow. Thanks for the breaking news, you creepy backwoods hick. MEANWHILE... Oblivious to her hillbilly relative's interview, Britney now seems intent on making things inconvenient for our beloved George Clooney. In a recent interview for Newsweek, George revealed, "I just found out that I must live 300 or 400 yards from Britney Spears. And I found out 'cause I came home at 10 one night and there's all these helicopters over my house with these lights. I'd gone upstairs, and I come out and I'm in a robe. All of the sudden I see all this shit going on... So now I have to move." Say, George, we know a place you can stay for a few nights. You can leave the robe at home! (Kip, here's the credit card. Go try out that Motel 6 in Troutdale.)
SATURDAY, JANUARY 26 Have we mentioned we love Barack Obama? Well, we've got some good news and some bad news. Good news first! Today Obama won the South Carolina primary, handily trouncing Hillary Clinton and earning more votes than John McCain and Mike Huckabee combined. Hooray! (Our street team is SO awesome!) Okay. Now for the bad news—deep breaths, everyone. In a recent interview with Christianity Today (uh-oh), Obama said (brace yourselves, dear readers!), "I believe in the redemptive death and resurrection of Christ." What does that sentence mean, in non-crazy fairy tale talk? "I realize it is impossible for anyone who is not a Christian to be elected as president of the United States. I believe in the power of Jesus and his Passion-loving followers to enable me to achieve that goal." Well... he's still better than Hillary. MEANWHILE... Back off, Scarlett Johansson! "I am engaged... to Barack Obama," the skanky hussy lied in an interview this week. "My heart belongs to Barack." Scarlett, we're pretty sure you're trying to make a "joke," but be warned: We will totes cut that pretty face.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 27 In an obvious and desperate attempt to disengage from a truly spectacular celebrity train wreck, today Britney Spears' right breast briefly jumped out of her dress while she was rehearsing some dance moves. Sadly, this will undoubtedly make things even worse in George Clooney's neighborhood. So, George... can we expect you around seven? The door will be unlocked.