MONDAY, JANUARY 28 It's come to our attention that some of you are less than appreciative when it comes to One Day's coverage of Britney Spears. (Please see "Letters," pg. 3, for further details on this disturbing trend.) Apparently, some of you feel we spend far too much column space on this one hilariously troubled celebrity. To that end, we'd like to say: WE COMPLETELY AGREE. Every week we look at the tabs and whisper, "Oh, sweet lord, when will it ever STOP?" In fact, we're SICKENED by the emphasis placed on poor Britney by the media, and truly believe that the right and moral thing to do is to simply NEVER MENTION HER NAME AGAIN. However. Would a geologist, after sensing earthquakes and seeing steam shooting out of Mount St. Helens, simply stop studying it? If you saw a giant boulder rolling down Burnside, would you silently step out of its path, or yell for people to get out of the way? Ladies and gentlemen, Britney Spears is a raw, oozing pimple that's READY TO BLOW. We've been through far too much with Brit to stop our coverage now, at the zenith of her craziness, and so we would like... nay, we MUST see it through to its natural AND INEVITABLE conclusion. So for all those who would ask us to stop? We cannot. It is our job to be on site as Britney's pimple pops. However, it is YOUR choice as to whether you want to stick around and be covered with puss. THAT BEING SAID... Another teetering day of trauma for Brit as she attempted a reconciliation with her hillbilly family (that actually turned out to be an intervention) and naturally ended in her stomping out, getting into a screaming match with managerish-person "Sinister" Sam Lutfi, and leaving her sobbing on a street curb, clutching a sweatered puppy in full view of the paparazzi. (Eruption in T-minus 10... 9... 8... 7....)
TUESDAY, JANUARY 29 In religious (AKA "bizarre alien cult") news, Page Six released this year's list of the most generous celebrities to donate to Scientology... and no, Tom Cruise isn't at the top! That surprising designation goes to (brace yourself) actress Nancy Cartwright, better known as the voice of Bart Simpson. ("Don't have a Thetan cow, man!") Nancy donated a whopping $10 million to the Scientology operation, followed by portly actress Kirstie Alley and Cruise at $5 million, John Travolta and Kelly Preston at $1 million each, and Priscilla Presley at $50,000. (Priscilla, we can't imagine Elvis being pleased.) Reached for comment via intergalactic transponder, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII had this to say, "RICH! RICH! IIIIIIII'M RIIIIIIICH! Wait... is that money in American dollars or Koinonian latinum?" (Thanks to Hubby Kip for that dorky Star Trek reference.) MEANWHILE... Weird managerish person "Sinister" Sam Lutfi made a call to The View's Barbara Walters to deliver the scoop (narc) on Britney's latest troubles. (Is that really his job?) According to Babs, "I can't vouch for [Lutfi]; he seemed very knowledgeable and he was certainly very nice. He said that Britney is suffering from what he describes as mental issues which are treatable. She's been having mood swings, and trouble sleeping." Oh... and Babs went on to say that Lutfi told her Brit had dumped paparazzi douchebag soul-patched boyfriend Adnan Ghalib. (T-minus 6... 5... 4....)
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 30 Sick of Britney scoopage? Then dig this: A California slaughterhouse has been accused of torturing cows by kicking them, using electroshock, ramming them with forklift blades, and drowning them by shoving a water hose in their nostrils. Ready for more Britney? Thought so. MEANWHILE... As mentioned yesterday, Brit has had trouble sleeping, but today it was revealed that she has not slept for FOUR DAYS. (Uh... oh.) And a snoopy spy tells E! News, "Early Wednesday afternoon, Britney was... in a volatile mood... screaming and yelling in the house... and cleaning excessively." Yipes. That sounds like us around the third week of every month. When managerish-person "Sinister" Sam Lutfi called Brit's mom to see if she could help, "Lynne didn't want to come over because she was getting a manicure." OH CRAP. (T-minus 3... 2... 1....)
THURSDAY, JANUARY 31 MELTDOWN! For the second time this month, Britney has been whisked away from her mansion via ambulance, to the padded walled confines of the hospital psych ward. At around 2 am, Brit was admitted to the hospital on a "5150 hold" which means she was, at the time, considered to be a "danger to herself or others." Now see? You thought "5150" was a brand of Levi's, didn't you? DON'T THANK US! THANK BRITNEY! Anyway... "The scene inside the house was chaos," said a witness to the sordid affair. "[Mother] Lynne was shouting at the police. She didn't want them to take her away at first. It was a zoo." According to E! News, Lynne was initially opposed to the idea of sending Brit to the bin, but reportedly changed her mind after "witnessing Spears switching back and forth between different accents and then claiming not to remember what she said." (It's easy to imagine Lynne's shock. As we know, hillbillies are deathly afraid of foreigners.) At last report, Britney will stay under observation and out of the media glare for at least the next two weeks. HAPPY NOW, BRITNEY GOSSIP HATERS?
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 1 Okay, deep breath, everyone: Since Britney Chaos Storm 2008™ has settled down for the moment, let's talk about someone OTHER than Britney Spears, okay? Today Britney's hillbilly father, James Spears, was legally put in charge of the Britta's life (since obvs, Brit's not doing such a great job of it herself), and for all of his hard work, Britney's official manager-ish person, "Sinister" Sam Lutfi, was presented with a restraining order. Things are definitely looking up! "The events of the past two days were the first positive signs that Spears may have reached a turning point in a downward spiral of bizarre behavior," the Associated Press observed—which yeah, is good for Britney, but where does it leave us? If Britney's mental pimple has finally popped, what will we do? Who will we write about?! Oh, wait. Once-famous actress Sean Young has entered rehab, and Kirsten "Snaggletooth" Dunst is reportedly "on the verge of a breakdown" after erratic behavior at Sundance, and—oh! oh!—Eva Mendes just checked into rehab too! Phew. Brit, don't you worry about us, dear. Get better, and we'll be right here when you get back... TO BEING KA-RAAAAZY!
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2 The Spice Girls have cut their world reunion tour short, canceling shows in Australia, China, South Africa, and Argentina. The group cited "family commitments" as the reason, though it's suspected that the fact no one attended their shows might have been a contributing factor. Argentina was ambivalent about the news. "They were coming here?" the South American nation responded when asked for comment. "Huh. Hey, wait, David Beckham's wife knows one of them or something, right?"
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 3 With major headlines like the presidential election, the recession, and the devastating news of the Spice Girls' cancelled shows, it's easy to forget about a little place called Iraq. But guess what? We're still there! And guess what? It's still going as well as it was before we lost interest! FIRST! Baghdad is covered in raw sewage, says civilian spokesman Tahseen Sheikhly—who notes that in one area, there's a lake of sewage so large it can be seen as "a big black spot on Google Earth." Sounds like Operation Iraqi Freedom also liberated Iraqis from things like running water, electricity, and living apart from their fecal matter. SECOND! Whoops! Today the US accidentally killed nine Iraqi civilians and wounded three more in yet another failed attempt to go after al-Qaeda. Which is depressing enough, until THIRD! Tomorrow, the Pentagon is expected to unveil their proposed 2009 military budget—to the tune of $515.4 billion. Yes, that's a record, but brace yourself—that doesn't even include the cost of the war. In other words: Hey, Iraq? Pay for your own toilets and bulletproof vests, okay? We're kinda strapped for cash.