MONDAY, AUGUST 21 Remember last week, when we reported that Paris Hilton was burying her pet goat next to the grave of Marilyn Monroe? Well, we're starting to figure out why Paris is so frikkin' WEIRD—and as usual, it's the MOTHER'S FAULT. (Sorry, Mom, but you really did ruin us.) According to an interview with Paris in the latest Blender magazine, the hotel socialite-turned-porn-starlet was instructed by her mother that oral sex causes acne scars. (But before you run to the mirror to check for a pockmarked face, read this quote.) "My mom told me—she knew this person who had craters [in her face]," Paris remembered. "I'm like, 'What's that from?' She's like, 'from giving blowjobs.' I'm like, 'You get craters?' And I totally believed her. She's like, 'It's from sucking.' I'm like, 'Ewwwww!'" Well put, Paris. And while she acts like she doesn't believe her mother's wise words, the following headline proves otherwise: "PARIS HILTON CAMPAIGNS AGAINST PROMISCUITY." According to FemaleFirst.co.uk, Paris has launched a campaign to fight promiscuity among young women, partially in an attempt to "reinvent herself as a positive female role model." Says the star of amateur porn tape 1 Night in Paris, "Girls need to calm down and realize that sex isn't everything. Women are getting as bad as boys now for sleeping around." Good idea, Paris! Let's start by talking about the DANGERS of having sex with Lindsay Lohan: You could develop "fire crotch!"

TUESDAY, AUGUST 22 Drunken driver Mel Gibson? Still in the doghouse with the Jews! After offering Gibson the opportunity to apologize to Rabbi David Baron's congregation on holy day Yom Kippur, Mel's representative said, "Thanks... BUT NO THANKS." Says the rabbi, "I was told Mr. Gibson is deeply involved in personal work which includes rehab, therapy and counseling for alcoholism." That... and he's also probably pretty busy apologizing to every Jew in Hollywood! According to TMZ.com, Gibson has been on the phone nonstop calling film industry bigwigs with whom he's worked with in the past to say sorry for his anti-Semitic drunken rant. Two of the recipients said that Gibson "apologized, he was working on his problem, and hoped to be able to work with them again." Unfortunately for Mel, these two Jews were "less than moved by the actor's apology." Obviously, Mel is working on "Step Nine" of the Alcoholics Anonymous program, which is "making amends." How did he make it to nine so fast? His assistants are doing the other eight.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 23 What happens when a once-popular TV show starts losing that popularity? They'll do nearly anything to get their viewers back—even if it means employing RACISM to do it! Today, Jeff Probst, the host of the reality camping-out show Survivor, went on the CBS Early Show to promote/defend the producers' choice to divide up the tribes according to race (in this case: whites, blacks, Asians, and Hispanics). They're calling it a "valuable social experiment," but basically, the idea is to get them all to fight and decide which race is superior. Kinda like Hitler, if he were concerned with good ratings rather than goose-stepping all over Poland. (But wouldn't Jeff Probst look totally hot with a Hitler moustache?)

THURSDAY, AUGUST 24 Ooooh... America's sexiest Scientologist Tom Cruise got FIRED today from his longtime studio, supposedly because "his recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount [Pictures]," according to head honcho Sumner Redstone. So you may be wondering why he's bringing this up now, since Tom has been acting like a nutbag for at least the last two years (couch jumping, Brooke Shields-bashing, brainwashing ingénues, etc.). Well, gabby insiders think Redstone is simply using the actor's past shenanigans as an excuse, when the actual problem was Tom insisting on "a huge percentage of gross profits off the top of all his movies," according to a source talking to TMZ.com. However, insiders also indicate that a deal is in the works that Redstone will give Tom everything he wants in exchange for his firstborn, baby Suri. (Ohhh, so THAT'S why we haven't seen her! She's already been eaten!)

FRIDAY, AUGUST 26 Israel was shocked recently when a wounded member of its own military revealed his allegiance to another militarized group, the KISS Army. The double agent, Ron Weinreich, was paralyzed from the waist down (so much less awkward than being paralyzed from the waist up) in Israel's 34-day leveling of Lebanon. As Weinreich lay seriously wounded in his hospital room, he asked that a poster of his true leaders, KISS, be hung above his gurney. Word reached KISS bassist Gene Simmons that a KISS cadet had been injured, and he sent Weinreich a video card—which is so sweet, especially when an animated e-card would have sufficed. "Hi Ron," he says in the tape. "This is Gene Simmons. I'm talking to you from my home. I can't tell you how proud I am of you.... From the bottom of my heart, you are a real hero, you are everybody's hero, you are my hero and I wish I could be there with you." We love it when two military groups get along so well. There's a lot that the Israeli Army could teach the KISS Army. Two words: compulsory service.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 27 Move over Paris, teen queen Lindsay Lohan has a new feud brewing!! Veteran actor William H. Macy has joined the anti-fire-crotch brigade. (Curious, since Macy, a redhead, presumably shares Ms. Lohan's pubic carrot hue.) Macy shared scenes with Lindsay on the movie Bobby and his wife Felicity Huffman is currently filming Georgia Rule with the young actress—so we suspect there's been a wee bit of Lindsay bashing about the house. According to Macy, "You can't show up late. When you show up an hour late, 150 people have been scrambling to cover for you. And Lindsay Lohan is not the only one. It's inexcusable, and they should have their asses kicked." This led to reports that Macy has said that LINDSAY NEEDS HER ASS KICKED, which is not what he said at all—though 100 percent true.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 28 It was the Emmys tonight! And there was, as usual, too little Patrick Dempsey (Grey's Anatomy)—which is a problem with TV in general these days. There are entire shows that do not feature Patrick Dempsey in the slightest. How do these shows stay on the air? Who is watching them? And why, when Patrick Dempsey is wearing a tuxedo, would the Emmy cameras pan to anyone else? We don't care what Jean Smart's reaction is to ANYTHING. WHERE IS PATRICK DEMPSEY? Sorry. But that last McDreamy-Meredith exam-room fuck can only last a girl so many months.