MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 4 Though still a week away (by One Day timeline), the politicization of 9/11 is already blowing full blast. Members of the former Clinton administration hit the roof over ABC's upcoming miniseries, The Path to 9/11—which they claim is "terribly wrong." Both former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright and former National Security Adviser Sandy Berger are saying the TV movie portrays the two as liberal lily-livers who let Osama bin Laden escape prior to the 9/11 attack. ABC responded by saying the miniseries is a "dramatization," not a "documentary," and later edited some of the offending scenes out. However, Republican 9/11 Commission member John Lehman had harsh words for those lefty liberals crying foul. "Welcome to the club," Lehman said. "The Republicans have lived with Michael Moore and Oliver Stone and most of Hollywood as a fact of life." Mmm... yeah... the main difference being that Michael Moore wasn't LYING. On the other hand, we can all agree that no one wants to live with Oliver Stone.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5 Well, it's not exactly a Sasquatch sighting—but here we go anyway. Today Vanity Fair magazine produced photographic evidence that Suri Cruise, the offspring of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes ACTUALLY EXISTS, and wasn't some kind of weird genetic experiment cooked up by Scientologists. And you know what? We're still not 100 percent convinced. Have you seen this kid? She's absolutely ADORABLE. Perhaps... too adorable? Up until this moment, Suri had not been seen by anyone—save a few easily bribe-able celebs—and yet, Mama Holmes still had the audacity to pooh-pooh those who dared raise suspicions that Suri may actually be the alien offspring of Dark Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII sent to Earth to enslave us all. (Hey, it could happen.) "It's really frustrating the amount of shit that's out there," Holmes said about our totally plausible theory. "And the stuff they say about Suri?! I mean, where does it come from?" Good question, Katie—but only because we know you haven't been allowed to read newspapers for the last two years. It "came from" all the bizarre Scientologist gobbledygook Tom has been spouting—primarily going on TV to lambaste women who have chosen to take postnatal antidepressants, and claiming new mother Brooke Shields was a stupid victim of psychiatry. And yet? It was also announced this week that Tom has issued a "heartfelt apology" to Brooke for his ridiculous rant—though he still believes antidepressants are unhealthy. It sounds like Tom's new fatherhood status has softened him a bit—or more likely, Dark Emperor Klaktu ordered him to stop acting like a nutbag. If Tom keeps acting so weird, he's going to blow the whole invasion thing!
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6 Socialite/porn star Paris Hilton was arrested today for driving drunk! After leaving a charity event hosted by Dave Navarro, LAPD officers noted the skinny celeb driving erratically and pulled her over. After failing a field sobriety test (she couldn't touch her vagina), it was determined she had a blood-alcohol level of 0.08—the minimum for a DUI in California—and was taken into custody. But what was so awesome about this arrest were the supporting players! Not only was Kimberly Stewart (Rod's daughter) in the car at the time, guess who came by the station to bail her out? Sister Nicky Hilton and her b-friend, the totally cute Kevin Connolly (Eric from Entourage)! EEEEEEEE! See, that's what's so great about being famous. Totally cute people are there to bust you out of the slammer, instead of your angry and fashionably ignorant father. (Sorry dad, but the next time you bail us out, can you PLEASE wear something other than pajamas?)
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 7 Teen queen Lindsay Lohan went into a tearful tizzy today when her Hermès Birkin bag filled with a million dollars' worth of jewelry was stolen off a cart at Heathrow Airport! Now before you get all wiggy about all that jewelry getting pinched and stuffed into the pocket of some limey blagger, don't forget what the jewelry was encased in—a freaking Hermès Birkin bag! A Hermès is like the Holy Grail of purses, with a waiting list soooooo long, even WE can't get one. (Confidential to Hubby Kip: Your deadline is Christmas—or you'll be sleeping on the couch!) While one may wonder why Lindsay Lohan would leave an extremely rare Hermès Birkin bag containing a million dollars' worth of jewels on a luggage trolly—well, she's Lindsay Lohan. We mean, DUH! She can't even remember to show up for work, much less be responsible for taking care of a precious Hermès Birkin bag that we would absolutely KILL for! And no, we didn't steal it—because hours later the bag and its contents were returned to Lohan unharmed and all accounted for. We hope you learn to appreciate what you have, Lindsay (i.e., that perfect Hermès Birkin bag)—because you certainly don't deserve it.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 8 Hey, you! Brad Pitt! Why don't you get your oh-so-perfect act together and just... stop being such a decent guy! Today Brad finally revealed when he and Angelina Jolie will get married: "Angie and I will consider tying the knot when everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able," Brad declared, as a rainbow-colored halo formed around his head and angels sung ABBA from the heavens. Hear that, gays? You're holding up the Pitt-Jolie Marriage! You're preventing the most genetically perfect union in the history of the universe! It's your fault that countless Third World orphans don't have a married mother and father!... In other news, Brad's adorable use of the endearing nickname "Angie" brought horsy-faced Jennifer Aniston to a sobbing, snorting, whinnying rage. The only thing anyone could understand between all the stomps and neighs was something about how she "used to be 'Jenny.'"
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 9 So we all know what day is coming up. You know, the one? With the airplanes? And the buildings? But wait! Things could have been much, much worse. America could have been attacked by real terrorists: angry Italians! According to the Daily Mail, Nicole Kidman "was forced to wait in her sweltering trailer" while Italians were protesting a commercial she was shooting in Rome. "No one had informed us that any of this was going to happen. The first we knew is when we woke up to find the streets clogged by dozens of vans and trucks," shouted the comically named Luigi Prosperi, who served as the residents' spokesman/terrorist ringleader. Incensed, the terrorists refused to let Nicole into the neighborhood—until the production company gave them nearly $32,000. Then Luigi (who no, does not have a brother named Mario) changed his tune. "We had nothing against Nicole," Prosperi stammered as he gleefully counted his blood money. "She was fantastic and smiled and waved to us and even said 'Ciao' in Italian, which was very nice of her." C'mon, Nicole! You shouldn't have negotiated with those monsters! You should've shocked and awed them. Done something really horrible. Maybe made them watch Bewitched.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 10 Today on Meet the Press, Vice President Dick Cheney bragged that the US government has done "a helluva job here at home in terms of homeland security." Cheney's boast coincided with a Washington Post story that noted "the clandestine US commandos whose job is to capture or kill Osama bin Laden haven't received a credible lead in more than two years." Also today, The New York Times published a story in which they interviewed over 45 "White House aides, foreign diplomats, members of Congress, and confidants of Mr. Cheney" to arrive at the conclusion that "while still influential, [Cheney] has seen his power wane." The Times piece reported that other Republicans view Cheney as "radioactive," and that the vice president's approval ratings are at a dismal 20 percent. Hey, you know who else is doing a helluva job, Dick? You are! Keep it up!