MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 11 For those of you who woke up assuming it was going to be a great day—well, FORGET IT. That's because it's September 11, and there will never be another great September 11. EVER. Personally, we just write the day off, and expect to spend much of our lunch hour crying in our car. However, there was one glimmer of hope in this, the most depressing day of the year: No one watched ABC's factually inept 9/11 miniseries! YAY! As you no doubt recall, politicians and media watchers spent most of last week bitching and moaning about the glaring conservative-laced inaccuracies plaguing ABC's The Path to 9/11 (of which part one aired last night). The show was even pooh-poohed by ABC's own national security consultant and former counter-terrorism czar for Bush and Clinton, Richard Clarke, who called the miniseries "an egregious distortion." Well, Mr. Clarke, there's little reason to worry about the public receiving the wrong information, because NBC's Sunday Night Football murdered the "docudrama" in the ratings. See? THAT is what America is all about: putting the past behind us to focus on something of very little to no consequence. (However, the game did have to be stopped a number of times so the players could run out to their cars and have a good cry.)
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 12 For those of you who think Britney Spears is simply a baby-producing hillbilly—well, you're right. However, the former pop idol did prove that she is capable of making one good parenting decision... by NOT having her newest baby on 9/11! This morning at 2 am, doctors yanked out the newest member of Britney's brood via Caesarean section—a six-pound, 11-ounce baby boy. And since Caesareans have to be scheduled, that means Britney consciously made the wise decision to have her baby on September 12, rather than September 11—which as previously stated is THE MOST DEPRESSING DAY OF THE YEAR. Unless of course, you enjoy birthday parties where kids are riding ponies and openly weeping. MEANWHILE... Radar magazine is reporting a new Tom Cruise rumor that is especially delicious—and no, it doesn't involve him laughing maniacally while spanking Asian boys. According to the article, one of the reasons Paramount head honcho Sumner Redstone may have kicked Cruise to the curb is because some of Tom's alleged Scientology goons threatened one of his employees! The rumor goes that Paramount Studio Chief Brad Grey had previously insisted that Cruise take a cut in profits from Mission: Impossible III, when he suddenly found himself surrounded in a parking lot by more than a dozen Scientologists. After strongly suggesting that Grey ease up on the actor, he was allowed to leave. But while shaken by the incident, Grey stuck to his guns, and forced Cruise to take the pay cut. WHEW! That was a close one. If those Scientologists had kept talking, they may have bored him to death!
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13 Note to Jane Fonda: Why don't you mind your own fucking beeswax? The 68-year-old actress has blasted fellow Georgia Rule co-star Lindsay Lohan for excessive partying. As you may remember, Morgan Creek CEO James Robinson ripped Lilo a new b-hole (via a letter), chastising the starlet for "all-night heavy partying," and absences from the set (which Lindsay attributed to "heat exhaustion"). Then, actor William H. Macy jumped on the bandwagon, calling her behavior "very, very disrespectful" and claiming any actor behaving in such a manner should have their "ass kicked." And because it takes old people so long to do ANYTHING, Jane Fonda finally spoke out as well today, saying, "I think every once in a while, a very, very young person who is burning both ends of the candle needs to have someone say, 'You know, you're going to pay the piper. You better slow down.'" Uh, excuse us... but Lindsay is only 20 YEARS OLD, so why don't you go take some Metamucil, "Hanoi Jane"? Besides, if Lindsay wasn't staying out all night, wrecking cars, scratching Paris Hilton's eyes out, screwing everyone in Hollyweird, and flashing her vagina, then please tell us: WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL WOULD WE HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT? So you just keep doing what you're doing, Lindsay—and for the rest of you Tinseltown grandmas? Change your adult diapers. BECAUSE YOU STINK.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 14 Bad news for those of you who still believe in "true love": Whitney Houston and hubby Bobby Brown have filed for divorce. After 14 tumultuous years of infidelity, prison stints, drugs, rehab, domestic abuse, and reality shows, the twosome are splitting up—to which we say, "Oh HELL TO THE NO!" What possible purpose could a divorce serve at this point? These two have already been through every horrifying scenario a married couple could ever experience, and now they want to call it quits? Besides, after everything we witnessed on Being Bobby Brown (the Bobby/Whitney reality show), it's highly unlikely that ANYONE in the world would want anything to do with them. So Bobby and Whitney? Do what our parents did: Go back in the house, numb yourselves with drugs and/or alcohol, AND SUCK IT UP. (Confidential to gay people: This is why you never want to get married.)
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 15 Don Wright, the mayor of Gallatin, Tennessee, is in trouble. (How adorable is it that hillbillies have their very own hillbilly mayor? Priceless!) Apparently, Wright allowed filmmakers to shoot a movie in his office—a movie entitled Thong Girl 3. ("It's about this girl with a magic thong!" Hubby Kip told us, showing a distressing, if unsurprising, familiarity with the series.) Speaking of thong-crazed husbands, we came home from shopping at Saks today (where we found a stunning pair of Christian Louboutins, thankyouverymuch) to find Kip throwing away all the spinach he could find. In yet another example of hippies ruining everything, California's Natural Selection Foods somehow managed to smear E. coli all over their spinach, causing illness (and even death) in almost 20 states. Hmm. Sounds like a job for Thong Girl.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 16 If we've told her once, we've told her a thousand times: Lindsay Lohan, you need to gain some weight. And lo and behold, today Linds snapped her waifish wrist when she "slipped and fell" in New York. According to People, Lindsay's publicist insists "a pending investigation" is underway to determine who's to blame. (That sounds very official. Perhaps their chief suspect should be a certain too-thin, oft-drunken starlet?) And this wrist snapping comes right when Lilo doesn't need it: A few nights ago, Lohan got into a huge screaming match with her mother at a fancy Upper East Side restaurant! Reportedly, Lindsay's mom (who, for reasons too embarrassing to explain, insists on calling herself "The White Oprah") got soused, and started fighting with poor Lindsay. It ended with Linds storming out and telling her mom to "go to hell" as White Oprah flipped off waiters, and wouldn't stop "crying and shaking." This family really needs some loving guidance. Where's Black Oprah when you need her?
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 17 Oh, that wacky Pope! With his Christian love and his charming witticisms and his hatred of Muslims! Controversy erupted last week when Pope Benedict XVI implied that Islam was "evil and inhuman." Reaction to the Pope's speech included six churches being firebombed in the Middle East and a nun getting shot to death in Italy. Realizing he might've screwed up, today the Pope took the unprecedented step of apologizing for his comments. ("This is really, really abnormal," history professor Alberto Melloni told The New York Times about the apology, no doubt as he brushed chalk dust off one of those horrid tweed blazers. "It's never happened as far as I know.") Hey, since the Pope's gotten all Ike Turner, maybe we'll get some more too-late, half-hearted apologies! He could apologize for the Crusades, or for that whole "Catholic Church standing idly by during the Holocaust" thing, or for looking like that creepy "Emperor" guy from Star Wars. And you know what, Benny? Some flowers wouldn't hurt, either.