MONDAY, FEBRUARY 4 According to those who care about such things, the Super Bowl was yesterday, and some team named the Giants won. Apparently, it came as quite a shock to the victors (who, truthfully, would probably be shocked if they found their shoes on the correct feet). "This is the greatest feeling in professional sports," said a jubilant and weirdly named Plaxico Burress (PLAXICO? Who're his parents? Dow Chemical?). "We never got down on ourselves. It came down to one play and we made it." Oooooh-kay. Thanks for that thrilling recap, Plaxico. Tell you what: Just don't turn into O.J. Simpson, and everybody will be happy. MEANWHILE IN ACTUALLY INTERESTING NEWS... Remember last week when we reported that snaggletoothed Kirsten Dunst had been acting erratically and "on the verge of a nervous breakdown"? Well, we were right once again! The Bring it On star has indeed brought it all—straight to REHAB, and in particular Utah's exclusive Cirque Lodge Treatment Center. Hey... that's where Lindsay Lohan went, as well as Richie Sambora (the poor man's Bon Jovi), and for about 25 seconds over the weekend, Eva Mendes. A source tells People magazine, "People were pushing [Kirsten] to go... she has been partying hard for a while and I'm sure the Heath Ledger thing put her over the edge." Reached for comment in heaven, Heath Ledger said, "Can we please not refer to it as 'the Heath Ledger thing'? Thanks."
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 5 Today was Super Tuesday, in which 24 states cast their votes to determine who is more awesome: Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton. (Apparently, the Republicans had a similar contest... but c'mon. Are they fucking kidding us?) And as pundits predicted, the evening ended practically dead even; while Hillary claimed the crown jewel of California, Obama grabbed the Southern states along with those in the Midwest and Rocky Mountains. That means the next few months are critical for both campaigns, and they'll need a LOT more money. Lucky for Obama, he's completely dreamy, and people love giving him donations—in fact, he raised a stunning $7.2 million immediately following Super Tuesday. Unluckily for Hillary, she's an occasionally crying robot with a pinched mouth that looks like a cat's anus, and so had to borrow $5 million from her own account just to pay her campaign staff. ROLL OBAMA, ROLL!
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 6 WHAT... A... DAY. First things, first: The New York medical examiner released his ruling on the death of actor Heath Ledger, and the verdict is "accidental overdose." But get a load of this laundry list of pharmaceuticals he ingested by "accident"! According to the examiner, "Mr. Ledger died as a result of acute intoxication by the combined effects of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, temazepam, alprazolam, and doxylamine." Remind us never to take these—apparently they have a habit of jumping out of their bottles and walking into people's mouths. MEANWHILE... Now hold on just a second! Last week we promised our readers a full two-week break from any Britney coverage, while she was holed up in a rubber room in the psychiatric wing of a Los Angeles hospital... AND THEY'VE ALREADY LET HER GO? Late this morning, Britney was released from the hospital (allegedly against the wishes of her psychiatrist) after doctors determined she was no longer a threat to herself or others. It would've been nice if they had asked the "others" first... but what-EVER. Then at around 2 pm, Britney was seen driving erratically around the Valley with her Israeli military bodyguard (on loan from Lindsay Lohan). After getting into a screaming match with the bodyguard, she kicked him out onto the curb, jumped into the passenger seat and asked a passing paparazzo from X17 photo agency to drive her to the Beverly Hills Hotel... where she then bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger's wife, Maria Shriver. (Is this getting weird yet?) THEN after her douchebaggy soul-patched boyfriend showed up, the two hid in the back of another paparazzo's car underneath a blanket, successfully snuck out of the hotel, visited her lawyer, and then returned to her mansion for the rest of the evening—AS FAR AS WE KNOW. Frankly, we don't have the slightest idea where she is. So thanks a ton, doctors at the LA hospital, for releasing Britney so early. For safety's sake, we'll be sleeping in a bank vault tonight.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 7 Fortunately (or unfortunately) for Britney, her family has issued a court-appointed restraining order against Brit's former hanger-on, managerish person "Sinister" Sam Lutfi. Mommy Lynne Spears testified in court that "Sinister" Sam had drugged Britney, cut her phone lines, and flattened her tires in an attempt to keep her prisoner and take over her life. Lynne portrayed Sam as the puppet master manipulating the pop starlet, sending her deeper and deeper into dementia. How demented has she become? Lynne related the following story to the judge: "Britney returned [to the mansion] and became very agitated and could not stop moving. She cleaned the house. She changed her clothes many times. She also changed her three dogs' clothes many times. Britney spoke in a tone and a level of understanding of a very young girl. Britney then picked up a bottle of pills, read the label and asked us, 'What does insomnia mean?'" (OMIGOD, what an awesome TV movie this is going to be!)
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 8 Attention! Attention! Former child actor Corey Haim has something very important to tell us! With a huge ad in yesterday's Variety, Haim announced he had returned to Hollyweird. "This is not a stunt," the ad read. "I'm back. I'm ready to work. I'm ready to make amends." Then—beneath a big photo of Haim laughing—came the kicker: "email@example.com." Ah, let the spamming and sarcastic job offers to star in License to Drive 2 begin! But hey, Corey—were you serious about making amends? Yes, our encounter in the bathroom at the LA IHOP in 1989 was truly magical for us, too—but remember how we asked for Corey Feldman's number afterward? Well, we're still waiting. But no rush! At this point, it's just a closure thing.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 9 "Doesn't it seem like Chelsea's being pimped out in some weird sort of way?" asked MSNBC's David Shuster, pointing out how the li'lest Clinton has been personally calling superdelegates and those harpies on The View to drum up support for Mom. And with that, controversy erupted! Hillary Clinton berated NBC News President Steve Capus for Shuster's "degrading" and "debasing" language, even threatening to not participate in any NBC presidential debates. Everyone panicked and apologized, and now it seems that everyone is okay... except for Icetray Smooth, Washington, DC's most notoriously volatile pimp. "Someone else is pimpin' Chelsea out? OH, HELL NO," Icetray said when asked for comment. "She's my best bitch! If someone else is sellin' that sweet 'tang instead of me, they're liable to find themselves CUT." As of press time, Hillary's camp had not responded to Icetray's statement, though Chelsea can currently be found at the corner of Pennsylvania and Kentucky Avenues.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 10 Time magazine is reporting that John Edwards just held a "secret meeting with Hillary Clinton" and is "scheduled to sit down... with Barack Obama [on] Monday." Okay. So either they're all getting together to talk about what happened on last night's Gossip Girl (OMG! Can you believe Blair?!), or Edwards is trying to figure out who he'll endorse for president. (Just a reminder, John: Obama will bring this country happiness and light and peace and unicorns, while Hillary's daughter is a prostitute.) MEANWHILE... Former presidential candidate (and Frodo Baggins look-alike) Dennis Kucinich is also mulling over whom to endorse! "Well, let's see," he said to no one in particular. "Hillary's plan for health care seems better, but Obama's such a breath of fresh air! Oh, who, am I fooling? Gandalf/Aragorn in 2008!"