MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 25 What's the difference between attempting suicide and being scratched by a cat? Apparently not much if you live in David Hasselhoff's household! According to TMZ.com, the Baywatch star and current internet darling made an emergency 911 call last night, in which he allegedly told the operator his daughter was trying to commit suicide. In actuality? His daughter had been scratched by the family cat. Hasselhoff's ex-wife Pamela Bach claims that he made the "suicide" accusation as an attempt to make her look like a bad parent. Bach explained that the daughter was scratched by the cat and began crying uncontrollably, so she called The Hoff to suggest "the girl see a psychologist on Monday." Let's pause for a moment shall we, and reflect on the obvious fact that THIS IS ONE FUCKED-UP FAMILY. It's certainly bad enough to call in a cat scratch as a suicide attempt—but to send a kid to a psychologist for getting clawed? Somebody needs to apply for emancipation, STAT. Continuing on... For his part, The Hoff denies this was a grand evil scheme to make his ex look like Mommie Dearest, and while he certainly did not remember phoning in a suicide, "the 911 operator may have interpreted it that way." When reached for comment, Hasselhoff's cat also denied all charges. "Meow meow didn't intend to scratch meow child," the cat said. "Meow meow was trying cut meow's own throat, meow meow. If you lived here, wouldn't meow too?"
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 Regular readers of One Day will undoubtedly remember that last week we reported on the breakup of teen queen Lindsay Lohan and owner of the disgustingly named Pink Taco, Harry Morton. And if you remember that, you also remember their publicist reporting that they had gotten back together over the weekend. Well, as it turns out, that publicist was a big fat stinking liar—or at the very least, screwed over by her client. Harry made an appearance on TV's Extra to say, "[Lindsay and I] are just sort of taking a little breather right now and slowing things down. A lot of people started saying we're engaged [like One Day, BTW!]. It put a lot of pressure on things... We need a little space." THAT'S FINE WITH US. In fact, if reporting on your faux engagement helped Lindsay give this Pink Taco guy his walking orders, then that works for us! The last type of guy Lilo needs is someone who thinks naming taco shacks after ugly slang for female genitalia is a good idea. And Lindsay, there's no need to thank us. Busting up Hollyweird relationships is just part of the job. (However, if you want to give us that Hermes Birkin bag you almost had stolen, we wouldn't complain.)
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27 First came the California and Washington State smoking bans. Then Chicago bans foie gras. Now New York City is going after one of their major dietary staples: artery-clogging trans fats. The NYC Board of Health has proposed almost a total ban on the synthetically made trans fats, which gives French fries their signature crunch, makes popcorn extra buttery and helps those doughy doughnuts become so very delicious. It also has the unwelcome byproduct of raising bad cholesterol, thereby greatly contributing to heart disease. Naturally food industry bigwigs are crying foul. Says Charles Hunt of the New York State Restaurant Association, "We're going to try to get into a dialogue with the health department where perhaps we can convince them to modify their proposal where it's not a broad-brush, one-size-fits-all Orwellian regulation." (It should be noted that while "Orwellian" regulations are often referred to as "bad," a smoking ban may have actually saved author George Orwell, who died of tuberculosis. Just sayin'.)
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28 In a truly horrifying piece of news, Dustin Diamond (yes, that would be "Screech" from Saved by the Bell) has made a sex tape. According to porny purveyor David Hans Schmidt—who also handled that great work of art, One Night in Paris (starring Paris Hilton)—the tape portrays Diamond in a threesome with two ladies. Now if the story had ended right there, our nightmares may have eventually stopped. But here's the worst part: The tape also allegedly shows Diamond partaking in a sexual act commonly known as the "Dirty Sanchez." Our hubby Kip was telling us this act involves "excrement"—right before we slapped him across his filthy mouth. How does he always seem to come across this disgusting information? Regardless! Diamond's manager Roger Paul is looking on the bright side of things, saying, "Dustin has been trying to escape the Screech typecast. So this may help me get more bookings." Yeahhhh... so is Tidy Bowl toilet cleaner looking for a new spokesman?
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 29 $448 billion. Do you know how much Chanel that could buy? A lot. But instead of it going to a worthwhile cause, that $448 billion is going to the Pentagon. And—surprise!—$70 billion has been specifically set aside for "military operations" in Iraq and Afghanistan. But here's the real rub: According to the Associated Press, the Senate approved the spending unanimously, with "a 100-0 vote after minimal debate." Yep—for all the Democrats' talk about how they're gonna take back control from the Bush administration, when push came to shove, they fell right into line with Bush's demands. When asked for an explanation, Senator Edward Kennedy offered a striking analysis. "America is in deep trouble in Iraq," slurred the Massachusetts Democrat before taking a few more swigs out of his enormous flask. "Militias are growing in strength and continue to operate outside the law. Death squads are rampant." Good call, Ed! Say, you know what else seems pretty rampant? Democrats who ask, "How high?" when Bush says, "Jump."
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 30 Oh, Joe Simpson. With your creepy talent for selling the empty minds and full curves of your nubile daughters, you truly make pimpin' seem easy. And Bam Margera, you rapscallion of a jackass! Going on Howard Stern and telling the world you hooked up with Jessica Simpson! Didn't you know Joe would flip out? "We wound up at her parents' house drinking margaritas and it went from there," Bam professed, explaining how he boinked Jessica behind Nick Lachey's back. "I left at eight in the morning." Joe immediately responded in his fair and mature fashion. "As a father, I want to go beat the crap out of people who say things like this," Joe blustered. "It really hurts to hear people say things like this about my daughter." What a jerk! How unreasonable is that? Wait—on second thought, spending that much time with Steve-O and Wee-Man has probably given Bam a whole slew of weird, jackassy diseases. Gross. Go beat the crap out of him, Joe! Just tell Johnny Knoxville first—we want to see the video!
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 1 Today the Daily News reported that David Hasselhoff is a big, fat, hairy liar. Apparently, The Hoff has an autobiography out, cleverly titled Making Waves (we hear the latest issue of The New Yorker has an excellent excerpt). But that's not the worst part! In the book, apparently Hasselhoff claims that Princess Diana had a thing for him. "She was smitten with me since I was so tall. I was smitten with her since she was so tall," said Hoff recently in London. "But she was married and so was I. I probably would have gone after her if circumstances were different." But hol' on a tic, guv'nah—Paul Burrell, Di's former butler, begs to differ! Remembering that The Hoff once sent Di an autographed photo, Burrell says, "The signed photo was of him in his Baywatch pose—all trunks and hairy chest. And I remember the princess laughing hysterically at the photo and turning her nose up." David Hasselhoff: The Man Who Would Be King. Or a prince. Or neither. Yeah. Probably neither.