MONDAY, FEBRUARY 25 "Totally pregnant": That's what a completely uninformed "eyewitness" told Life & Style magazine today in regards to the paunchy Britney Spears. However, while it's true she's been gallivanting around Hollyweird with an exposed belly roll, we bet this "baby bump" is actually a bouncing baby "Stuffed Burrito Supreme." Regardless, while douchebaggy boytoy Adnan Ghalib may not have impregnated Britney as of this moment—it's not for want of trying. "Britney is still having sex with him," an "insider" sadly told L&S, adding that conservator/hillbilly pop Jamie Spears "can't stand it. He hates when Adnan comes over and the two of them disappear for a few hours. He knows they're having sex." Now, while we ordinarily have no time for straw-chewing, hillbilly dullards, we're 100 percent behind Jamie Spears on this one! Just the thought of that soul-patched d-bag rubbing his probably diseased privates all over Britney makes us want to... BLEECHH!! Our advice is to hire somebody from the zoo to shoot Britney with a Depo-Provera-filled tranquilizer gun... stat! MEANWHILE... Britney's life is not without its momentary flashes of "good news." Not only is Brit heading back to the gym and dance studio to prepare for her latest music video shoot, ex-hubby Kevin Federline has given her the okay to spend time with the kids on a more regular basis. And surprisingly, Brit's pregnant sister Jamie Lynn Spears has passed her high school GED, meaning community college could be just around the corner! (Wait... do they even have colleges in Louisiana?)
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 26 Remember last week when we informed you of Lindsay Lohan's absolutely HORRID nude photos in which she portrayed a pre-dead Marilyn Monroe? And remember how she was covered with scabies and looked twice as old as Marilyn—even though Lindsay is almost half her age? And remember how we gagged and squealed and hoped to god we'd never have to see anything as revolting as that again? Well, once again popular culture continues to vex us. According to the New York Post, Hugh Hefner of Playboy magazine wants Lindsay to pose nude as Marilyn Monroe again—this time recreating the famous naked swimming sequence from the unfinished film Something's Got to Give. Apparently the aging Hef is confusing the popularity of the New York Magazine spread with something that people actually want to see. We mean, "Two Girls, One Cup" was popular, too—but that doesn't mean we want a show devoted to it on the Food Network. MEANWHILE... Super annoying actress and Owen Wilson's former girlfriend Kate Hudson has once again been seen hanging around with the suicidal actor. Oh, for the love of god, Kate! Leave him alone already! If the thought of talking to you makes us want to kill ourselves, how do you suppose it makes Owen Wilson feel? MEANWHILE... The O.C.'s Mischa Barton is finally being formally charged after being arrested on December 27 for drunken driving and the possession of marijuana. Apparently it took the Los Angeles district attorney this long to discover that, even when celebrities do it, drunkenly swerving around West Hollyweird with a bag of pot is illegal. (Did we learn nothing from Mel Gibson?)
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 27 Get ready to feel extremely old: According to British tab News of the World, the artist formerly and once again known as Prince is scheduled to undergo hip replacement surgery. Apparently the singer has scheduled two months away from whatever it is that Prince does to recover from the operation, and get used to moving around on his new hip. Wow. That is depressing. Next we'll hear that Miley Cyrus is getting fitted for dentures (which she could totes use, because her teeth are a train wreck). MEANWHILE... While one should never mention Prince and Michael Jackson in the same breath, by complete coincidence, it was reported today that the former King of Pop is working hard on being dead-ass broke. According to public records, Jackson has been having trouble paying the mortgage on his Los Angeles-area mansion, and unless he comes up with the necessary funds, a foreclosure could be in the cards. It was also announced this week that unless Jackson comes up with the $24.5 million they claim he owes, the Financial Title Company will auction off the contents of Michael's famed Neverland Ranch. Now, we can see someone wanting to buy a monkey on eBay... but a complete set of Macaulay Culkin's underpants?
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 28 In what could be the most thrilling news of the week, America's new number-one douchebag Adnan Ghalib is reportedly cheating on Britney Spears! According to England's Daily Mail, Brit found flirty and sexually explicit texts from another woman on Ghalib's cell, lost her mind, and threw his iPhone in the mansion'spool. (Those last seven words severely broke Hubby Kip's heart.) And even though Douchey Ghalib insisted the girl was "just a friend," Britney flew into a rage and screamed, "That's it. It's over!" O, joy, o, joy, o, JOY! And even if the breakup only lasts for a day or two, this is still fantastic news. The way we see it, every time Ghalib's sperm misses Britney's vag, that's one less Baby Burrito Supreme the world has to worry about.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 29 Today was Leap Day, that magical 24 hours that occurs only once every four years—and, apparently, causes about all sorts of terrifying developments. First up! Amy Winehouse has some kind of creepy skin disease. According to People.com, Winehouse has impetigo, a "bacterial skin infection" that causes "pimple-like lumps." For now, the affliction is limited to Winehouse's face... though doctors warn that if she scratches the sores, she could spread the disease to other people or other parts of her body. Umm... EWW! (So does impetigo also make your teeth fall out and cocaine leap up your nose?)
SATURDAY, MARCH 1 Yesterday Mike Huckabee, who still refuses to admit that he has no chance whatsoever of becoming our next president, visited the talk show of Tyra Banks, who still refuses to admit that she has an IQ hovering around seven. Tyra steered the conversation toward Huckabee's ultra-conservative views on homosexuality. "It's not like I'm some homophobe," Huckabee explained, giving Tyra the runaround on why he, as a homophobe, opposes gay marriage. Tyra would have fallen for it, had she not gotten distracted. "I'm asking you so many questions about this because I love the gays and the gays love me!" she giddily exclaimed, proving for the 867th time that if you want to make anyone look smart—yes, even a delusional right wing politician—just sit 'em down next to Tyra. She'll take it from there.
SUNDAY, MARCH 2 STOP THE PRESSES! Due to One Day at a Time's incredible popularity, fawning critical accolades, and Hubby Kip's incessant and nerdish begging, One Day at a Time is finally getting the comic book treatment! Thanks to Dark Horse Comics, "Ann Romano: Gossip Whore!"—a special, two-page comic written by yours truly, illustrated by famed artist Paul Lee, and starring Britney Spears and a certain sassy gossip columnist—is now available for free at myspace.com/darkhorsepresents. Check it out! (And don't worry—we wouldn't be caught dead in a cape.)