MONDAY, MARCH 17 It was a huge week for unsuspecting online nudity, with a handful of celebs being caught with their genitalia flapping about. (And noooooo—Britney was NOT involved! For once!) As we reported last week, Girls Gone Wild founder Joe "Boy, is my bottom sore" Francis was released from jail last week and hasn't wasted a second in getting back to his old douchebaggery. Francis had offered famed GovernorSpitzer call girl "Kristen" a whopping $1 million to be featured in one of his sleaze DVDs—but just as quickly retracted the offer. Why? Because she had already revealed her bosom and engaged in same-sex debauchery for the DVD series years earlier as an aging low-self-esteemed teen. Now that he doesn't have to pay "Kristen" to exploit her, Francis told the AP, "It'll save me a million bucks. It's kind of like finding a winning lottery ticket in the cushions of your couch." That you stole from a grandma after beating her to death, you sickening creep. MEANWHILE... Remember Kristin Davis? The stuck-up one from Sex and the City? A handful of her alleged nudie pix have popped up online, and though her rep denies it, we'd recognize that stick up her ass anywhere! Ka-to-the-zing! MEANWHILE... Also, some topless photos of Audrina Patridge have made their internet debut, and... who's Audrina Patridge? Exactly. MEANWHILE... Finally! Someone famous has a leaked sex tape! Or does she? Grainy cell phone pix of someone slightly resembling Lindsay Lohan have been expelled onto the web, which purportedly portray LiLo orally gratifying former d-baggy boypal Calum Best. Can we get a Eww? The case against it being Lindsay in the shots: Internet porn aficionados proclaim they've seen the full tape and that definitely ain't her. The case for it being Lindsay: As gossip site Celebitchy put it, "The girl has a penis in her mouth, the girl is not black." They make a persuasive case.
TUESDAY, MARCH 18 Speaking of persuasion, presidential dreamboat Barack Obama delivered an astonishing, mature speech on the subject of race in America today, as we continue to flip head over heels for this candidate. Though we wish we could say Obama made this oratory on his own accord, he was actually pushed into this position thanks to his longtime (and nutbag) pastor, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, who made a number of idiotic public claims—including the ones where America brought the 9/11 attacks on themselves, and blacks should damn our country for continuing to mistreat them. (Not too sure why that last one is so crazy, and also not too sure why Obama should be held responsible for the mutterings of yet another deluded Christian. Ehh, such is life in these United States.) Regardless, Obama jazzed the crowd with his speech encouraging America to finally mend the racial divide: "If we walk away now," he said, "if we simply retreat into our respective corners, we will never be able to come together and solve challenges like health care or education or the need to find good jobs for every American." Eat your dead heart out, Abraham Lincoln.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 19 Happy fifth birthday, war in Iraq! (Oh, how we wish our administration could've had a more liberal outlook on abortion.) MEANWHILE... Former Dancing with the Stars contestant and one-legged bride Heather Mills successfully fleeced ex-Beatle hubby Paul McCartney out of $48.6 million in their divorce proceedings—yet was still disappointed she didn't get FIVE TIMES AS MUCH. The controversial Mills (who has been accused in the past of being a paid escort) had asked for a whopping $250 million, after accusing McCartney of being a cruel, abusive alcoholic, and dumping a glass of water on the head of McCartney's lawyer. (Nice.) Needless to say, the judge was not pleased. Upon awarding her the much smaller sum, Judge Hugh Bennett took time to scold the gold-digging Mills. "To some extent she is her own worst enemy," said Bennett. "She has an explosive and volatile character. I think this may well have warped her perception, leading her to indulge in make-believe. The objective facts do not support her [claims]." Don't worry, Heather—while you may not have gotten everything you asked for, $48 mill still buys a lot of leg.
THURSDAY, MARCH 20 Can a gossip item be both hilarious and creepy simultaneously? Dear reader, we ask you to judge for yourself: Conservator and hillbilly pop Jamie Spears allegedly checks to see if errant daughter Britney is wearing underpants before leaving the house. Apparently, Jamie is just as exasperated as the rest of us when it comes to Britney showing off her flappy veej all around Hollyweird, so her dad has taken to performing a daily bra and panty check. If we may offer a bit of advice: As long as Papa Spears is lifting Brit's skirt on a daily basis, he might want to make sure douchey boyfriend Adnan Ghalib isn't under there as well. We warned you this story might be distasteful.
FRIDAY, MARCH 21 Today Barack Obama (swoon!) came to Portland. After being formally endorsed by former presidential candidate Bill Richardson and welcomed by a euphoric crowd, Obama gave a moving speech that covered his stances on the war in Iraq, health care, and the urgent need for change in Washington."We cannot wait. The time is now," Obama said, and everybody cheered.Actually, now that we think about it, doesn't it feel kinda weird to want to vote for a presidential candidate that people actually like, and not one that everybody's voting for just because their name isn't "George W. Bush"? (Also, just in case you're wondering who Obama kept winking at before his speech started? Now, we'd never wink-and-tell, but... well, anyway, dear readers, you can consider that mystery solved.)
SATURDAY, MARCH 22 Attention ladies! Johnny Knoxville is back on the market! (Wait—he was off the market?) Apparently, the Jackass star has been married for 11 years, but TMZ.com got their hands on papers that detail the messy settlements of his divorce. So there you go, ladies: While the future leader of the free world might be unavailable, at least you can set your sights on a guy who changed his name from Philip John Clapp and managed to make a career out of making baby alligators bite his nipples. Barack and I wish you all the best in your life together. MEANWHILE... Stop the presses! We finally found someone who doesn't hate Tyra Banks! The New York Post reports that 37-year-old Brady Green has been stalking the airheaded Oprah wannabe since early January—and earlier this week, he was arrested after showing up at Tyra's New York studio with "a large duffel bag stuffed with magazine write-ups about Banks and notes to himself about his various attempts to reach her." Brady's since been released, which gives us the opportunity to say this: Brady, hon, we know you've got some problems, but really, you can do better. MEANWHILE... Concluding this week's trend of unasked-for celebrity nudity, People reports that 50-year-old Jamie Lee Curtis will pose "gray-haired and topless" on an upcoming cover of AARP the Magazine. Now, Jamie, we're all for appreciating the beauty of the female form—but when the members of the American Association of Retired Persons are the only ones asking you to strip? That might be just the teensiest hint that you should keep your bathrobe on.
SUNDAY, MARCH 23 In what we can only assume was a rousing celebration in honor of the fifth anniversary of the Iraq War, today at least 58 Iraqis and four Americans died in what the New York Times called "a day of violence." Shortly afterward, and not coincidentally, the U.S. death toll in Iraq hit 4,000. Aren't birthdays just the best?