MONDAY, OCTOBER 23 Well... well... well. After a year of speculation, guess what we received in the mail yesterday? A wedding invitation from none other than Emperor Klaktu, the grand exalted dictator of Rigel VII, announcing the happy upcoming nuptials of his favorite son and daughter, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, to take place on November 18. As they say on Rigel VII, "Fizkutok meleelo drok!" Or, "On this happiest of occasions, may your offspring drink blood from the wounds of your enemies." But what's this? It says here the ceremony is to take place in ITALY!! What happened to getting married at John Travolta's villa on the holy ground of Rigel VII's third moon Celestia? Whatever—real smart move, humans! Now the paparazzi will be crawling all over the place! According to TomKat's rep Arnold Robinson (via Us magazine), "Proper security measures are being taken to keep the vows private." HA. Good luck. We predict there will be pictures all over the internet before they can say, "I do." WORST IDEA EVER, FOLKS! At least on Celestia, TomKat could've had some measure of privacy, thanks to the Klaktu's Royal Imperial Guardian Squadron. (Trust us—you DO NOT want to screw around with those guys.) MEANWHILE (back here on Earth)... According to Entertainment Weekly, during filming of his new film Babel, hottie hunk Brad Pitt would often amuse himself on the set "by yanking up his pants to give himself a wedgie, sticking out his rear and waddling about like a duck." We don't care... we'd still fuck him.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 24 News flash! Nicole Richie is skinny. In fact, she is SO skinny, even she is beginning to notice. (Her first clue? When Skeletor told her she looked "foxy.") Well, enough is now apparently enough, and Nicole has checked herself into rehab. According to E! News, "[Nicole] is working with a team of doctors and specialists whose focus is nutrition." Together they will work day and night to determine why it is that she can't gain weight. Now, we're just grasping at straws here, but maybe one of her problems may be throwing up everything she's ever eaten since 2003. Regardless, while it may be a complete and utter mystery to doctors why Nicole is skin 'n' bones, her reps are sure of one thing: "This is NOT a treatment for an eating disorder." Who said she had an eating disorder? It's not her fault that sandwiches find her so repugnant they refuse to stay in her stomach. MEANWHILE... In financial news, Kurt Cobain has beaten out Elvis Presley for the crown of top-earning dead celebrity, by making a whopping $50 million this year, as opposed to the "King," who could only muster up a meager $42 million. From beyond the grave a pleased Cobain celebrated the news saying, "I hope this money goes to help those who really... MY WIFE KILLED ME! IT WASN'T SUICIDE! SOMEBODY ARREST HER, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!" (Courtney Love has denied the charges.)
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 25 Today was an absolutely HILARIOUS day on Oprah, because it was a very special "Set the Record Straight" episode featuring Madonna. Talking to the former Queen of Pop via a weird-looking television monitor, Oprah questioned Madonna on her recent purchase of an African boy. Naturally, everything that's gone wrong with the process is the media's fault, who by covering the story is "doing a grave disservice" to all African orphans who would like to be purchased by rich pop stars with affected British accents. Seriously, Madonna has the worst English accent EVER. Far worse than Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. MEANWHILE... In other baby-purchasing news, after learning that Britney Spears is thinking of purchasing an African baby after Madonna purchased her African baby, because Madonna had heard that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt purchased an African baby, and then of course, wanted one of her own, Angelina is now reportedly planning on purchasing an INDIAN baby. We mean, because... really. Buying African babies is soooo October 2006.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 26 Yay! A big day for the GAYS. Though you'd never guess it in a million years, the macho state of New Jersey has a supreme court, too, and they have decided to guarantee gay couples the same rights and privileges as married heterosexuals. And yet? Don't celebrate too quickly, for while the gays will share the same rights in Jersey, the court left it up to state lawmakers to decide if their unions can actually be called "marriages." "I am happy, but not ecstatic," said gay Leslie Farber, "This is about 80 percent of what we wanted." Oh, COME ON! They're doing you guys a favor! There's nothing like the word "married" to kill the spice in the bedroom. (Sorry, Kip!) The New Jersey gays can now come up with a far MORE REALISTIC name to use instead of "marriage." Like maybe, "The Death of My Vagina." (Naturally, men can substitute "penis.")
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 27 At last! More than a month after his birth, the latest spawn of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline has a name! (He has a few other things, too—like a near future in which he'll likely get dropped on his head and catapulted through a windshield thanks to a certain someone's negligent parenting.) According to those limeys at the BBC, Brit and Kev's latest screaming bundle o' joy is named Jayden James Federline. Consider us surprised—we thought after naming their first kid "Sean Preston," Brit and Kev would go for something a bit truer to their Spears/Federline roots. Say, "G-Unit Cletus." "The Notorious Billy B.O.B." "Vanilla Ice Jr." You get the idea.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 28 Have we mentioned how much we like David Letterman? Well, we do. We know, we know—it's kinda weird. He's no Brad Pitt—not with that receding hairline and those buckteeth that you could fit a pair of Prada sky-high platforms between. Maybe why we like him so much is because of how easily he shuts down conservative moron Bill O'Reilly. Last night on Letterman's show, O'Reilly tried to convince Dave (and the rest of the world) that hey, things aren't so bad after all. "It isn't so black and white, Dave," O'Reilly lied. "It isn't 'We're a bad country, Bush is an evil liar.'" "I didn't say we were a bad country. I didn't say he was an evil liar," Dave countered, adding, "You're putting words in my mouth, just the way you put artificial facts in your head." Stammering, the pouty O'Reilly tried another approach. "Do you want the United States to win in Iraq? It's an easy question." Letterman replied, "It's not easy for me, because I'm thoughtful." Oh, Dave. Sigh.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 29 We started the week with news of a creepy space alien wedding, and we'll end it with news of a predictable Hollywood divorce. Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe split up today, after seven years of marriage (in Hollyweird time, that equals roughly 8,000 years of wedded bliss). You'll remember dumb blonde Reese from those movies in which she played a dumb blonde, and you'll remember Ryan from... huh. He must've been in something, right? Was he in some straight-to-DVD movie or something? Maybe... no... no, that's not him... Oh! We know! You'll remember Ryan as "That One Guy Who's Married to Reese Witherspoon." Rather, you would remember him that way. If they were still married. Which they're not. MEANWHILE... Remember way back to Tuesday, when Nicole Richie went to eating disorder rehab? Well, apparently, she's taking her new regimen very seriously: This morning at 2 am, while partying at a Hollywood nightclub, Richie collapsed. Shocking! Reactions among fellow partiers were mixed, with half trying to rush Richie to the hospital, and half commenting on how whoever that chick was, she had a really, really sweet Jack Skellington Halloween costume. But yes. Shocking. Nobody could've seen this coming. Not in a billion years.