MONDAY, MAY 5 There's something weird brewing in Hollyweird... and we don't like it! For reasons far too complicated to fathom, celebrities are acting both "nice" and more distressingly, "normal." Take, for example, our fave couch-jumping cultist Tom Cruise. Remember when he crawled up in the grill of Today show host Matt Lauer, regarding the subject of postpartum depression? And remember how he was all, "Women [like postpartum sufferer Brooke Shields] don't need drugs" to fight the malady, "all they need are vitamins"? And then remember how everyone freaked out, called him a Scientology-worshipping looney-tune? Well, today it was announced that Tom has flipped the script and reversed his previous position (i.e., he's being nice)! "[What I said] came out wrong. It's just not true," Tom told Oprah on her upcoming sitdown with the formerly dickish star. "I'm not trying or want to tell anyone how to live their life or what they should believe or shouldn't believe. I felt like I could've handled it better." BUT... BUT... But what are we going to do with the case of Flintstones Chewables we bought from Costco?! MEANWHILE... Tom also unveiled his brand-new website today, creatively titled tomcruise.com, in which he celebrates the 25th anniversary of his first starring role in a movie. (That would be Risky Business, although he conveniently excludes the 1983 teen sex comedy Losin' It, in which he tries to get deflowered by Shelley Long. EWW!). But get this! Tom claims that he "created this site as a thank you, to you, for sharing the journey with me and to invite you to continue to explore what the future will bring...." Okay... WHY IS HE BEING SO NICE? Perhaps we wouldn't be so suspicious if the grand exalted leader of the Scientology movement, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, weren't being so nice as well! As he said today via intergalactic press release, "Earthlings should celebrate the fact I have not annihilated an inhabited solar system in 46 standard orbit-cycles. Plus, stay tuned later this week for an exciting announcement regarding my new presence on what you humans call your internet! Ummm... What do you insects call it? A 'blog'?" Ohhh... no. Be very afraid!
TUESDAY, MAY 6 Again with "the nice"! Today Britney Spears went against every fiber of her being, and actually showed up in court, not dressed like a whore. And by all accounts she was sober, too! Everyone was so impressed by her seeming normality, they decided to grant her more time with her sons. According to K.Fed's lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan, "We all see indicators of progress by Ms. Spears. What was a seemingly daily state of extreme flux has been stabilized." Oh, yeah? Well, stabilized flux isn't going to feed all those paparazzi and their kids! And do you think their feet are just going to accidentally run over themselves? MEANWHILE... Let's all wish a happy birthday to the dreamboaty George Clooney, who turns a handsome 47 years old today. In fact, we would've LOVED to have sung the birthday song to him personally (à la Marilyn Monroe)—had we received an invitation to his party. However, we totally understand that it was a small 100-person soiree filled with only Hollyweird A-listers, such as Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, David and Victoria Beckham, Clive Owen, Naomi Watts... The Olsen Twins? The dumbass who plays Superboy on Smallville? Hilary Fucking Duff?? Forget what I said about Hollyweird being "nice"! SOB!!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 7 At least we still have our second favorite dreamboat, Barack Obama, who continued to dominate Hillary Clinton by trouncing her in the North Carolina Democratic primary, and barely losing in Indiana (a state Hillary was supposed to win in a landslide). It would now seem to even the most casual observer that Obama has the nomination tied up... unless, of course, you're Hillary Clinton. "I'm staying in this race until there's a nominee," she told reporters tonight. Good for you, Hill! You just stay in the race as long as you can... which will be on May 20 when Oregon votes for Barack Obama! Weeeeeee-whooo! Barack, we looove yooooooou! Take off your shirt!
THURSDAY, MAY 8 Singer Amy Winehouse (Britain's answer to Britney Spears) has once again found herself in the clutches of the bobbies, after a video leaked of her allegedly smoking crack cocaine, and talking about taking Valium, while roaming the streets searching for a cat. Upon receiving the video, police took Winehouse into custody. IN A RELATED STORY... Two men and a teenager in Texas have been accused of "digging up a corpse, decapitating the body," and using the skull as a bong to smoke marijuana. Why are these two stories related? Because that skull belonged to... Amy Winehouse! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
FRIDAY, MAY 9 Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are engaged! You might remember actor Owen Wilson from his suicide attempt in 2007, and you might remember actress Hudson as the woman who caused it. (Rumors are that Wilson was so distraught after seeing pictures of Hudson, his ex, kissing Dax Shepard that he tried to off himself.) But now that Kate and Owen are back together, things seem to be going swimmingly—as evidenced by the rock the size of Minneapolis that Kate's currently sporting on her engagement finger. Congrats, you two! (And Kate? You'd best not break Owen's heart again. If we catch you messing around with Dax Shepard, we just may kill ourselves! We mean, really... Dax Shepard? That's just so embarrassing we could die.)
SATURDAY, MAY 10 In two events that make compelling arguments for eugenics (what... can we not say that?), today Jenna Bush got married, while Jennifer Aniston continued to sleep with John Mayer. We know, we know—it's super-gross news, but like so many things in life, just close your eyes and it'll all be over in a sec. (Sorry Kip!) First things first: President Bush's daughter Jenna Bush got married today to Henry Hager, a grad student who's the son of the Virginia Republican Party chairman and a former aide to Karl Rove. In related news, Jenna will soon pop out a horde of teeny tiny neoconservative brats who'll run for office in 2048, no doubt making life miserable for our children. Speaking of making us miserable, horse-faced Jennifer Aniston is still sleeping with poor, unwitting John Mayer—the duo was seen clip-clopping around Miami this weekend. Miami was nice enough to supply the long-faced actress with apples and sugar cubes, as the couple stopped at all the hottest bridle shops. (Sorry, John, but you willingly walked into this situation.)
SUNDAY, MAY 11 Following Monday's unveiling of tomcruise.com, a hastily arranged holographic press conference was held today by Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. "Earlier this week, I promised you humans an exciting announcement," Klaktu proclaimed, stroking his chin-mandibles with enthusiasm. "And now, at the urging of my friend and the future ruler of earth, Tom Cruise, I am delighted to command you to visit emperorklaktu.blogspot.com! Like Tom's site, my 'weblog' was created as a thank you to my loyal fans, and also as an unabashedly transparent attempt to cover up some of my more questionable public relations gaffes of late, including but not limited to the genocide of Alf's planet. At emperorklaktu.blogspot.com, you puny earthlings can find updates about my galactic conquests, humorous anecdotes about the crazy things that happen when Tom and I hang out, information about the forthcoming Scientology War in which the spectral form of L. Ron Hubbard shall consume your leader, Oprah Winfrey, take over your pitiable planet, and rename it 'Suri'—and, assuming I have time, I will also post some of my favorite casserole recipes. Don't forget to comment!"