MONDAY, MAY 12 As spring turns into summer, it's time once again to reach deep into our closets, throw out those hideous shoes from last fall, and slip into some new darling kicks (preferably from Balenciaga). However, as we already know, Hollyweird celebs toss out people instead of shoes, and Kate "Dr. Kevorkian" Hudson has done exactly that with the perennially suicidal Owen Wilson. The on-again/off-againtwosome have once again gone splitsville, according to E! Online, which says, "The duo are no longer on speaking terms, following a blowout over allegations that Owen was flirting with other women." Okay, since Owen is the one who nearly killed himself, we're going to take his side on this one. Maybe he wasn't flirting, and just comparing euthanasia tips? MEANWHILE... Speaking of new shoes, guess who was spied canoodling (AKA "holding hands, kissing, and cuddling") in Paris, France? Lindsay Lohan and "very special" lady-friend DJ Samantha Ronson. Now we're not insinuating LiLo has gone LesBo, but we will say this: If shoes were people? Ronson is a sensible pair of loafers. MEANWHILE... Our spring/summer romance theme continues with the latest scoop from the new John Mayer/Jennifer Aniston fling. Once again, the pair have been spotted galloping around Miami, and—damn it. We promised ourselves we would stop using horse imagery when referring to poor Jennifer's long face, and we're going to do it! Anyway, everyone has been wondering why Jennifer is so head over hooves... we mean HEELS, for Mayer and according to New York's Daily News, Johnny-boy has one very big thing going for him. IF YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN. Okay, fine. He's supposedly hung like a horse—which would explain why Jennifer is so giddy... up. DAMN IT, WE CAN'T STOP!
TUESDAY, MAY 13 Never to be outdone by Jennifer Aniston, hubby-stealing harpy/humanitarian Angelina Jolie let it slip that she's pregnant with twins. Reportedly due on August 19, these will be the fifth and sixth children for Angie and Jen's ex-hubby Brad Pitt. Asked if this news bothered her, Aniston paused from staring at her horsy-hung boytoy to say, "Neigghhh!" (Sorry... it can't be helped.) MEANWHILE... Here's a stomach-turning tidbit: Recovering pop tart Britney Spears has hopped aboard a private jet with recovering drunken anti-Semite Mel Gibson for a Costa Rican getaway. BUT WAIT. Before you vomit into your adorable Stella McCartney handbag, apparently Britney's hillbilly pop and Mel's wifey are also along for the ride, and it's all perfectly innocent. That is, if you consider meetings for the "Disgraced Celebrity Club" innocent. (Hey, who forgot to invite Michael Richards and Hitler?)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 14 More spring romance, and this time, love has bloomed between presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama and his former competitor John Edwards. The devilishly handsome Edwards officially endorsed the devilishly handsome Obama today in an explosion of devilish handsomeness. "There is one man who knows in his heart there is time to create one America, not two," Edwards said, "and that man is Barack Obama." Candidate Hillary Clinton could not be located for response, because frankly, everyone was too blinded by Obama and Edwards' devilishly handsome smiles.
THURSDAY, MAY 15 It was a great day for California gays when the state's Supreme Court overturned a ban on same-sex marriage, sending the state's gay-loving supporters (and wedding industry) into spasms of joy. This means one thing... GAY CELEBRITY WEDDINGS! First off we have talk show host Ellen DeGeneres, who announced on her show that she will be getting gay-marriaged to hottie gal-pal Portia de Rossi. (BTW, Hubby Kip attempted to make a disparaging remark about the gorgeous de Rossi's gay marriage, saying "Now that's a sad waste of..." but was stopped short after seeing us clutching a frying pan. Yes, sometimes the old ways are still the best ways.) MEANWHILE... Guess who else is getting gay celebrity married? George "Sulu" Takei from Star Trek! He and his longtime partner of 21 years, Brad Altman, have happily announced that they too will be getting hitched. (Here to provide One Day with the requisite Star Trek joke is Trekkie nerd, Hubby Kip.) "NOT FAIR!" screamed the Salt Vampire—from the classic season one "The Man Trap" episode. "Just because I jump Enterprise crew members and suck the salt from their bodies, I can't marry outside my own species? By the way, Portia de Rossi marrying Ellen is a sad waste of sweet ass. YES! Snuck it in! High five!"
FRIDAY, MAY 16 You know, it's getting harder to continue our theme of springtime romance with Jennifer "My Pretty Pony" Aniston and John "Long Dong" Mayer insisting on grossing everybody out. This week, Us Weekly ran a nauseating spread of paparazzi photos of the couple (with captions like "He sunscreened his sweetie!" and "Their frisky water frolic!"). But as interesting as it is to see a has-been singer (whose penis looks like something hanging in a butcher shop window) kissing Mr. Ed, let's not forget the real victim here: Jessica Simpson. Us reports that Jessica, who once dated Mayer, has been "heartbroken" by his romance with Aniston—leading Simpson to break up with her current boyfriend, Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo! "It really puts the knife in Jess," an unnamed source says, while another adds that Jessica's been self-medicating—going on four-hour-long drinking binges! (Oh, honey. Four hours? You can do better than that! We don't even start drunk dialing Barack Obama until sometime around hour seven.)
SATURDAY, MAY 17 And it only gets worse! Today lovelorn Jessica Simpson was forced to serve as the maid of honor for her sister's wedding. That's right: Ashlee "The Other, Less Talented" Simpson and Pete "The Dweeb Who Wears Guyliner" Wentz got married today in a creepy-sounding ceremony at the Simpson home. Why the creepiness? First, the wedding reportedly had an Alice in Wonderland theme, and second, Jessica and Ashlee's pervy father/manager, Joe Simpson, performed the ceremony. (Ewww!) Mark our words, readers: lip-syncing pop stars, teenybopper rockers, suspiciously involved father/managers, AND a jealous, drunken sister? This is how cults start. MEANWHILE... In her ongoing attempt to kill the adorable Owen Wilson, cold-hearted witch Kate Hudson is already seeing other people—like 80-year-old bicyclist/professional cancer victim Lance Armstrong. God, Kate—we aren't even your suicidal ex-boyfriend, and the idea of you doing it with that guy (does he leave his "Live Strong" bracelet on?) makes us want to call up Jess and spend some quality time with our mutual friends Bartles & Jaymes.
SUNDAY, MAY 18 Today Barack Obama, the dreamy, brilliant, and inspiring Democratic nominee for president, visited Portland's Waterfront Park—and was greeted by a record-setting crowd of 75,000 people! Obama remarked Portland was "the most spectacular setting and most spectacular crowd in this entire campaign." And we're pretty sure he said that while looking straight at us. Jealous, much? MEANWHILE... Lest anyone accuse us of being biased, we should also note that someone named Hillary Clinton was also in town this weekend. "This race isn't over yet!" Clinton told her audience, in what her campaign called an "intimate town hall-style" appearance. "We still have a chance to win this thing, and I hope that, come Tuesday, you'll honor me with your vote. Any questions?" Sixteen-year-old Timothy Brown, a professional sandwich artist at the Subway where Clinton was speaking, asked "That's great, ma'am. Now, do you want olives, or not?" MEANWHILE... It only seems fitting to close this week out with another tale of romance. According to Us Weekly (which is practically doing our job for us this week—thanks, Us! Mwah!), the once-acrimonious couple of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline might be reconciling! Federline, according to yet another unnamed source, "is amazed at how good [Britney's] progress is. They could get back together." Oooh, we're not too sure how Mel Gibson is going to feel about this!