MONDAY, MAY 26 "Hmm... that's funny. Says here that George Clooney is breaking up with his girlfriend." And those were the last words Hubby Kip uttered before he was unceremoniously body checked from in front of the computer by yours truly. In fact, the neighbors actually called 911 over the hullabaloo that was coming from our house, claiming the constant high-pitched refrain of "OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD!!!" was rattling their fine china. But really... OMIGOD! Can you believe it? According to E! Online, sources close to the couple claim that gorgeous George and that admittedly attractive tramp/harlot/skank Sarah Larson have crossed the county line into Splitsville! As we told Hubby Kip, we're not making any major decisions until the breakup is officially confirmed, but.... Well, let's just put this way: If it's true, within six months George Clooney will either be giving us a diamond ring or a restraining order. (Even a restraining order would be heaven! Mmmmm... it'll smell just like him.) MEANWHILE... Though we kind of like him, and feel sorry that his wife is asking for a divorce, we won't be leaving Kip for actor Bill Murray. Especially after the simply awful things his wife is saying about him! According to court documents, Jennifer Butler Murray (who's been hitched to the Lost in Translation star for the last 10 years) accuses Bill of "adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behavior, physical abuse, sexual addictions, and frequent abandonment." And there was that one time when he was cleaning the pool, and everyone thought he was eating poop, but in actuality it was a Baby Ruth bar, and... huh? What do you mean "that's Caddyshack"? Next you'll be telling us that George Clooney didn't really steal millions of dollars from a Vegas casino!
TUESDAY, MAY 27 "Hmm... that's weird. Clay Aiken knocked some chick up." And with those words, poor Hubby Kip once again received a minor concussion after being brusquely shoved off the computer. (Is it our fault he doesn't own a laptop?) But really... OMIGOD! According to TMZ.com, American Idol finalist Clay Aiken actually has sperm and actually used it to impregnate an actual woman. The woman in question is reportedly Jaymes Foster, a 50-year-old record producer, and Clay's "best friend." Ohhhh... it's that kind of impregnation. (This was especially disappointing to Hubby Kip who said, "For this I had to get a CAT scan?") MEANWHILE... If you really want to piss off the lonely cougar (and cougar-to-be) demographic, just you try to fuck with their Sex and the City. At tonight's Sex and the City movie premiere at Radio City Music Hall in New York City, the claws came out after fans discovered that promoters had given away 8,000 tickets—but only provided 6,000 seats. Upon learning the premiere was first come first serve, the furious crowd rose up in unison, said something devastatingly witty, and then went to brunch together where they drank mimosas and bemoaned the fact that all the good men are either taken or gay.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 28 Don't ya just hate it when a former coworker comes out with a scathing book about what a despicable jerk you are? Boy, President Bush hates it, too. Washington is gleefully abuzz from the news that former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan has written a memoir about his days working for the president—and it's not so complimentary. McClellan's book contains chapters of juicy (and somewhat obvious) accusations that his bosses regularly lied to the public, advanced Republican interests, and orchestrated the arguments leading up to the war in Iraq that "almost guaranteed that the use of force would become the only feasible option." Oh really? Well Scott, maybe you could've told us this when you were press secretary, thereby saving everyone a lot of trouble. We're sure the surviving families of everyone killed in Iraq will understand your complicated relationship with the truth. (Although we loved the chapter where you describe how Bush used to beat you with wire hangers.)
THURSDAY, MAY 29 And speaking of "the truth," annoying actress (except in Bring it On!) Kirsten Dunst has pooh-poohed widespread reports that she was in rehab for substance abuse problems. Kirsty told E! News, "I didn't go to Cirque Lodge for alcohol abuse or drug abuse. I went there for depression. My doctor recommended Cirque Lodge. Depression is pretty serious and should not be gossiped about." Oh! THANK YOU, GOSSIP CZAR! We're certainly glad an actress of your high standing in the community is leading the charge to inform the rest of us of what we can or can't think. (Oh, and one more little thing: According to goldenfiddle.com, Cirque Lodge is a drug rehab facility, and doesn't admit people for "depression." But maybe they might make exceptions for compulsive liars?)
FRIDAY, MAY 30 Today Charlie Sheen married real estate investor Brooke Mueller! Because we are polite and kind and would never say anything untoward: Congratulations, Charlie and Brooke! All the best! Hugs! (Psst! Brooke? Are you still there? Charlie's gone, right? Now, we don't have long, so listen up: We have it on very good authority that Charlie might have, as his ex Denise Richards puts it, "prostitute-tranny-infested sperm." Also, honey, we're not sure if he told you this, but we'd feel terrible if you didn't know: He's also on Two and a Half Men. We're not sure what other shameful secrets he's hidden in order to trick you into marrying him, but you might want to take a good hard look at that prenup.)
SATURDAY, MAY 31 Remember when Jennifer Aniston was a forgotten sitcom star who couldn't get attention if she lit her hair on fire? But then she started dating the supposedly well-hung John Mayer, and every gossip rag in the world couldn't stop breathlessly reporting on their sexploits? Sigh. So do we. But alas, now that Jennifer's horsy face is neigh unavoidable (ha!), here's your update: This weekend, Jennifer dragged John to meet her only friends after Brad left her Courteney Cox and David Arquette, and... wait. There's not a single mention of Mayer's penis size? Screw this! We're skipping to tomorrow.
SUNDAY, JUNE 1 Kurt Cobain's ashes have been stolen! Or, at least, so Courtney Love claims. "I can't believe anyone would take Kurt's ashes from me," Love sobbed to British tabloid News of the World. "I find it disgusting and right now I'm suicidal. If I don't get them back I don't know what I'll do." Okay, first, honey? If you genuinely want to find Kurt's Kremains™, gabbing to a Brit tabloid probably isn't the best course of action. (If you're shamelessly looking for attention, on the other hand....) Second, dear, when you're talking about the ashes of your husband who killed himself, maybe making statements about how you're "suicidal" isn't in the best taste. MEANWHILE... Today former child actress Tatum O'Neal was busted in Manhattan, with police finding two bags of cocaine and a crack pipe in her pockets. The 44-year-old O'Neal, who won an Oscar at age 10, tried more than a few excuses to get out of trouble. First: "You know who I am, right?" Second: "I'm researching a part—I'm doing this for a part." Third: "Can't we just forget about this?" Trust us, Tate—as someone who's "researched" a fair amount of things that'd be nice to "just forget about"? Those old excuses hardly ever work! Next time, try pointing behind the fuzz and saying something like, "OMIGOD! Is that Clay Aiken impregnating a female?" Then you kick off those heels and you RUN, girl. Works every time!