MONDAY, JUNE 9 Coming to you from Hollyweird with all the latest nasty scoopage, it's One Day at a Time! First on the agenda: IS MADONNA GETTING A DIVORCE? According to not-necessarily-reliable gossip site Holy Moly (the name doesn't exactly inspire confidence, does it?), Her Madg-esty has hired England's scrappiest barrister to represent her in a sure-to-be-ugly divorce from hubby Guy Ritchie. (Unsurprisingly, Madonna's reps strongly deny the report.) According to the site's sources, the pair have been "growing apart" for some time now, and a split is in the works—which could be problematic since the twosome allegedly never signed a prenup. This means Ritchie is entitled to half of Madonna's fortune, which works out to be... hmmm... let's see... HOLY CRAP! If we marry and divorce George Clooney and Hubby Kip marries and divorces Madonna, we are going to be so MONEY! MEANWHILE... Apple CEO Steve Jobs introduced the new iPhone 3G today, which claims to provide zippier internet access, GPS, and a $199 price tag. Oh, and if you happen to have purchased one of the original, slower $500 models, Steve Jobs may allow you to trade it in... as soon as he returns from laughing his way to the bank.
TUESDAY, JUNE 10 Remember Dr. Drew Pinksy from that MTV Loveline show (co-hosted with Adam Carolla)? Well, Drew's the latest minor celeb to really piss Tom Cruise off! In a Playboy interview, Dr. Drew was waxing philosophic on celebrity mental illness, and guess who came up in conversation? "Take a guy like Tom Cruise," Dr. Drew said. "Why would somebody be drawn into a cultish kind of environment like Scientology? To me, that's a function of a very deep emptiness and suggests serious neglect in childhood—maybe some abuse, but mostly neglect." Naturally, Tom's handlers flipped out over the statements, and Dr. Drew has since apologized—but not until he heard from Scientology's most famed and feared Grand Thetan Slayer, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. "YOU ARE A QUACK, DR. DREW!" Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII roared, clenching his nine scaled hands into spiky fists of rage. "Okay, so maybe I wasn't the most attentive father to little Tom—but obliterating entire galaxies and enslaving countless alien races often took me away from his test tube! That said, Tom Cruise is easily the most mentally capable of my 45,274 genetically engineered offspring—and thus, upon my unfortunate but inevitable demise, it shall be he who will take my place as the Exalted Tyrant of the Universe! And then! Oh, then! Then you, Dr. Drew, shall rue your foolhardy words! By the way, Loveline SUCKED after you got rid of Carmen Electra!"
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 11 Just for the record, conservative Republicans are the biggest bunch of fucking liars on the planet. Presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama has barely started his race against Republican John McCain, and the internet lies are already spreading like wildfire. This week's entry: Conservative blogs are spreading the completely unsubstantiated rumor that first lady hopefulMichelle Obama used the word "whitey" in a speech from a church pulpit—a act obviously intended to rouse America's racist hillbillies into blind obedient action. This follows on the heels of Fox News labeling Michelle as "Obama's baby mama," and calling her fist bump with her husband after his victory against Hillary Clinton a "terrorist fist jab." Okay, first of all, terrorists don't give "fist jabs," because they're too busy using conservative bloggers and media outlets like Fox to spread waves of ugly dissent through this country with the intent of tearing us apart. So if you can't beat them... MEANWHILE... Republican presidential nominee John McCain starts each morning by beating his wife, drowning a bagful of kittens, sodomizing baby pandas, and licking the scrotum of Osama bin Laden while chanting, "O, sweet messiah! As soon as I'm elected, I shall give you full access to our weapons arsenal, so that you may reduce America to a nuclear cinder." Wow. That guy is a real jerk, isn't he?
THURSDAY, JUNE 12 Okay, now this really has to stop. Today marks yet another story about equine-visaged Jennifer Aniston, her horsey-hung boytoy John Mayer, and their sex life. As previously reported a billion times, Jen and John are having A LOT OF SEX. Whoopee, we get it, can we please moveon.org? Apparently not, because as a source tells OK! Magazine, "John is good in bed. Not just good, but sensational. Every girl I know who has slept with John says it was the best sex of their life. I'm not sure what exactly he does in bed, but after girls sleep with him, they're ruined." OMG! Who's writing this copy? The Republican Party??
FRIDAY, JUNE 13 Well, this is lousy news. Today Tim Russert—host of Meet the Press and NBC News' Washington bureau chief—suddenly and unexpectedly died of a heart attack. We hope this isn't too far out of line, sandwiched between news of Jen and John riding the wild baloney pony, and whatever Scarlett Johansson is up to: Tim Russert was one of the most admirable and dedicated journalists around. During his years moderating Meet the Press, he consistently offered incisive commentary, demanded honest answers to his tough, smart questions, and never let anyone off easy. The world would be a better place if we had more journalists like Russert... or if we just still had him around. MEANWHILE... Guess who're totally email buddies? Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama! After mentioning in an interview that she frequently emails with Obama, Johansson wondered, since he's busy running for president and all, "How can he return these personal emails?" Here's a hint, dear: YOU'RE SCARLETT JOHANSSON. (Confidential to "Scarlett in LA": Back off, bitch. Obama was our Facebook friend first. —A.R.)
SATURDAY, JUNE 14 Remember when vindictive old coot Leona Helmsley died, and instead of giving millions to her grandchildren, she left her dog, Trouble, $12 million? Well, her will has been overturned by a judge, who divvied up Helmsley's wealth according to non-crazy person rules: $10 million to charity, $6 million to her grandchildren, and for poor, poor Trouble, a paltry $2 million. We hear 24 carat gold chewtoys are slightly softer than diamond-encrusted rawhide bones, anyway—here's hoping Trouble won't even notice the difference.
SUNDAY, JUNE 15 Ever since pop Jamie Spears started obsessively controlling every aspect of his daughter's life, things on the Britney Spears front have been disappointingly boring. Today word came that Jamie and Britney were spending some quality father/daughter time in Las Vegas, staying at the Mirage, where Britney visited the creepily named Siegfried & Roy's Secret Garden and Dolphin Habitat. "She swam side by side with the dolphins at the resort in a private pool," a supposed insider spilled to OK! "Later she gushed over Siegfried & Roy's six-week-old tiger cubs in their special nursery." OH. EM. GEE. Wake us up when she hits a dolphin with an umbrella and shaves a tiger cub, 'kay? MEANWHILE... "I really don't like working," Alec Baldwin spilled to the New York Post in a rambling, fairly depressing interview that also had him talking about family ("My brothers were like hillbillies. They had no sense of responsibility") and loneliness ("I've been single for seven years and as I get older, I think all I want is to be loved"). Baldwin also talked about being covered in the tabloids. "If you have four bad days in four straight years, then all four of them are depicted in the media," he complained. "The other 360 days of the year, when you're just handing out lollipops and riding unicorns through cotton-candy forests and everything's so magical, they don't report that." Alec? If you invite us along on your next unicorn ride through the Cotton Candy Forest, we promise we will write all about it. Just give us the name of your "pharmacist."