MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6 Nothing happened today...
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 7 Because EVERYTHING happened today! Apparently, the rest of the country finally heard the whistle of the clue train, because after eons of letting Republicans fuck up the world for everyone involved, Democrats finally took back control of the House. And yet? We can only muster up a half-hearted "whoopee," because while the Dems are certainly celebrating this victory as a mandate of the people, they should remember one thing: "The People" would've happily elected a filthy dish sponge if it meant moving the Republicans out of office. In fact, most people would be more than happy if a talented Independent stepped up to the plate in 2008. (Ralph Nader, we don't mean you.) MEANWHILE... Though she was a bit confused about what today's election was all about, newly slenderized pop star Britney Spears also took to the polls today, and voted out her lazy layabout hubby Kevin Federline! Yay! We're much more excited about this than the election thingy (though we doubt we'll ever get the smell of Cheetos out of our nostrils). Regardless, Brit filed her divorce papers today citing the old reliable "irreconcilable differences," and asked the courts for legal custody of the kids. Unsurprisingly, K.Fed has no idea what the concept of "ironclad prenup" means, and has clumsily filed his own petition to keep the kids for himself and receive spousal support. HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA! Good one! Kevin... darling... what did you think all those months of lying around on the couch playing Nintendo were if not "spousal support"? That gravy train is over, pal. And there's no mashed potatoes left either. It was a truly awful week for K.Fed, because he also learned that his new album had sold only 6,000 copies (half of which were giveaways to his mom and friends—who only accepted them to be nice), and that ticket sales for his Chicago performance were going so slow, the management was having trouble giving them away for free. Wow. At least the Republicans could blame Congressman Mark Foley and the war in Iraq for their troubles. K.Fed has no one to blame, and will soon be looking for a new place to live. (We hear O.J. Simpson may have a guest cottage available!)
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8 In other divorcey news, actress Reese Witherspoon has filed for a ticket to Splitsville from hunky hubby Ryan Phillippe... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Sorry, Reese. There's just no room at our pity party for you today—because President Bush has also filed for a divorce from Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld! In a move both confusing and stupid, the president waited until after the election to give Rumsfeld the boot—which according to some Republicans ruined their chances of reelection. Maybe Bush didn't act sooner because he had lapsed into one of his waking comas (like the one he experienced after learning of 9/11)—but hey! Better late than never, right? We'll be sure to mention that to the 150,000 dead Iraqi civilians who, if they could, would breathe a big sigh of relief. MEANWHILE... In the most hilarious story of the day, actress(?) Denise Richards—best known for marrying and dumping that skank Charlie Sheen—was involved in a truly bizarre incident in which she threw a laptop computer off a hotel balcony and struck an 80-year-old woman in a wheelchair. OOPSY. Apparently, some pesky paparazzi had snuck onto the set of her new movie Blonde and Blonder (appropriately co-starring Pamela Anderson), and when Richards learned of the invasion, angrily grabbed the photographer's laptop and hurled it off the balcony—thereby braining a senior citizen in a wheelchair. Luckily, the octogenarian suffered only minor injuries. Unluckily, Denise Richards is still allowed to act in movies.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 9 And as if the point wasn't made clearly enough on Tuesday, the Republicans received yet another kick in the patootie today when incumbent Virginia Republican Senator George Allen officially got his ass handed to him, thereby transferring control of the Senate to the Democrats. Naturally, bells were ringing for the Dems, as Representative Nancy Pelosi also became the first female speaker of the house in history. Pelosi was quick to note that the Democrats would not abuse their new status (Wha?!? BOOOOOO!), and that any talk of impeaching President Bush "is off the table" (Wha?!? Wha?!? BOOOOOOO! Impeach Nancy Pelosi!!). MEANWHILE... Okay, everybody stop panicking. Al-Qaeda terrorists are NOT threatening Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. As it turns out, they were only receiving threats from a little-known Islamic fundamentalist group whose intention was to just get a little publicity. Guys... guys... that's not the way to get attention. Just keep reading One Day, and we'll show you what to do. For now, just hit an 80-year-old woman with your laptop... or maybe call Lindsay Lohan "fire crotch."
FRIDAY OCTOBER 10 Here we were, thinking that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were about to get married. Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII had sent out all the plasma-embossed invitations, while Grand Moff Xigni was rumored to be handling all those pesky reception details. There were going to be Wookiees and Jawas and Banthas, and the whole ceremony was going to be presided over by the spectral ecto-form of L. Ron Hubbard! But it appears TomKat's plans to be married in Bracciano, Italy are all for naught! "There are papers and documents that we certainly don't have," said Mayor Patrizia Riccioni. "I don't think it will be legal." And there are more hurdles: The Catholic Church won't recognize the union thanks to Cruise's divorce, while Italy won't recognize a Scientologist ceremony. Sure, TomKat might be upset, but trust us, it's worse for Grand Moff Xigni—the rumor on the trans-galactic interfeed is that the Wookiees already bought their non-refundable tickets from Kashyyyk to Italy! And when they find out the reception's off? They're going to be pissed.
SATURDAY OCTOBER 11 Mark our words: This is like O.J. all over again. Word came today that Denise "I Enjoy Maiming the Elderly with Laptops" Richards won't face charges for her egregious crimes. According to Yahoo! News, "Royal Canadian Mounted Police Corporal Peter Thiessen says it's not in the public interest to bring criminal charges" against the laptop-hurling hussy, whose illustrious filmography includes such classics as Wild Things and Starship Troopers. Those stupid, stupid Canadians. Don't they know what this means? Richards is already roaming the streets, just waiting to lob more computers at unsuspecting bluehairs. Even more terrifying? Denise Richards is already roaming the streets, just waiting to be in another movie.
SUNDAY OCTOBER 12 Hiss! Spit! Meowrrr! Lindsay Lohan continues to go after people as if it were her only way to get into gossip columns! (Which, okay, at this point, it kind of is.) At the recent PlayStation 3 launch party in Beverly Hills, Linds was asked what she thought of the Britney Spears/Kevin Federline divorce. "I didn't even know that," Lindsay giggled. "Actually, I really don't care." Oooh! Snap! Good one, Linds! Keep tossing out barbs like that, dear, and you'll have a guaranteed spot in One Day. MEANWHILE... Speaking of celebrities no one cares about, Dan Aykroyd recently addressed a few hundred elementary school students in Halifax, Nova Scotia. The inspiring and uplifting message that Aykroyd decided to pass on to the world's future leaders? "My time is past," moaned the bloated Aykroyd, no doubt fully aware he's only considered a celebrity by naïve seven-year-olds who're hopped up on gallons of maple syrup. "I'm old," the oh-so-tired Aykroyd added, before finishing with the rousing maxim, "I've done my thing." At which point the silently weeping Aykroyd—still wondering why Bill Murray won't return his calls—crawled into the kindergarten room, found a small, dark spot underneath a desk, and quietly died.