MONDAY, JUNE 16 Thank god in heaven (if there is one), musician John Mayer is going on a European tour! Naturally, this is great news for two reasons: (1) If John Mayer is in Europe, he can't be here. And (2) If John Mayer is in Europe, he can't be having sex with hooved Friends star Jennifer Aniston, ergo there won't be any gross tabloid articles graphically depicting the aforementioned sex. However, he's not gone yet, which means this week we have to put up with gross tabloid articles about their tearful, going-away sex. "They were super affectionate and super sweet," said a diner at Beverly Hills' Madeo restaurant, who obviously struggled in hiding her disgust. "They were kissing and rubbing arms." EWWW! Don't you just hate those public arm rubbers? The whole thing just smacks of deep insecurity and desperation. Now, ourselves and Hubby Kip? We never rub arms. In fact, we haven't touched each other since spring of 2003. (If we remember correctly, we brushed against his leg after tripping over his videogame equipment.) MEANWHILE... Former presidential candidate Al Gore showed some love for current prezzy hopeful Barack Obama—and did it without rubbing his arm once! Big Al endorsed Obama today (conveniently waiting until after Hillary left the race, thereby avoiding getting his eyes clawed out), and had some choice words for the Bush administration who "dishonored and disrespected" the Constitution, leading America into "eight years of the most serious foreign policy mistakes in the history of our nation." President Bush would've responded to Gore's criticisms, but he was too busy rigging voting machines in Florida. After all, November's right around the corner.
TUESDAY, JUNE 17 Hip hip hooray, it's gay marriage day... at least in California. Hundreds of gay and lesbian duos crushed into city halls today to get married just like straight folk do. (And boy, are they in for a shock—right, straight married people?) And while there was much cause for celebration—especially among wedding industry professionals, and that one company who makes pink tuxedos—there's still some pricks out there who intend on ruining the fun for everyone. A state constitutional amendment to block same-sex marriage is due for a vote in November, and unsurprisingly, President Bush supports a US constitutional amendment to deny homos the rights the rest of us married people enjoy (that is, if "enjoy" is an appropriate word for such a situation). That being said, it's very important that California gays and lesbians enjoy their new rights without fucking it up for everyone else—and we're looking at YOU, Star Trek's George Takei! The openly gay man who played Sulu on the classic sci-fi series dropped by the West Hollywood City Hall today to pick up his marriage license with longtime partner Brad Altman, telling People.com, "We are first and foremost beyond delighted! It's a landmark day. [After getting the license] I started singing 'One Singular Sensation'!" While we celebrate your happiness, George, we're voting for a constitutional amendment to make sure you never sing that song again.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 18 Today in profanity: TV funny man/lover of prostitutes Charlie Sheen issued an apology for a two-year-old expletive-crazy voicemail left for his nutbag ex-wife Denise Richards (whose greatest contribution to the world thus far has been accusing Charlie of having "prostitute-tranny infested sperm"). While providing context for the voicemail would be the ethical thing to do, it's funnier if we don't. So here's what he said: "I hope you rot in fucking hell. You're a piece of shit, fucking liar... I hope I never fucking talk to you again, you fucking cunt. You're a coward and a liar and a fucking nigger." Whoa. Kind of makes Alec Baldwin calling his daughter a "thoughtless little pig" pale in comparison, huh? If this is what happens when you're filled with prostitute-tranny infested sperm, then we want none of it!
THURSDAY, JUNE 19 Time magazine reported today about 17 pregnant high school girls in Gloucester, Massachusetts, who made a pact to get knocked up and raise their babies together—but wait, there's more: One of the fathers is a 24-year-old homeless man. Yesssssssss. MEANWHILE... Another 17-year-old had a baby today—but this time it's totes okay, because it's Britney's li'l sis, Jamie Lynn Spears! The happy mother gave birth to a seven-pound, 11-ounce baby daughter, who is also expected to be forced into show business at an early age and quickly impregnated, or wind up shaving her head and attacking a SUV with a golf umbrella. And who says today's youth suffer from a lack of career choices?
FRIDAY, JUNE 20 Another day, another challenge for Hubby Kip, who's had a rough go of things lately, with his beloved Jessica Alba first getting married, and then having a kid. Well, brace yourself, dear: "Yes, we have set a wedding date," Ellen DeGeneres told reporters when they asked about her and Portia de Rossi's upcoming nuptials. "I obviously feel like it's long overdue." (Loyal One Day readers will remember that Kip—ever the considerate one—recently insisted that de Rossi marrying Ellen was "a sad waste of sweet ass." Don't worry; we smacked him with our new Gucci tote for that one. Hard.) Damn you, Portia de Rossi! Can't you see what you're doing to Kip? (Psst! Keep it up, dear! Truth be told, we still haven't forgiven him for insisting on wearing a black armband for a week after that skank Alba got married.) MEANWHILE... Today Britney Spears was at the Los Angeles International Airport, where one of her bodyguards reportedly pushed a camera into a paparazzo's face. Annnd... that's it. God! Will someone get Brit back on the crazy sauce already? We will not let this column become about Kip's infatuation with women who aren't us! And who are married! And gay! Who else needs a martini?!
SATURDAY, JUNE 21 Watch out, paparazzi—while Britta's bodyguards will just politely hand your camera back to you, Matthew McConaughey's Surfer Army™ will beat you down. A photographer trying to snap pics of a sunbathing Matty McC was reportedly "attacked by a mob of surfers who threw his camera into the ocean," according to the Associated Press. "We'll draw a line in the beach, and we'll fight for the beach," one well-tanned, exquisitely muscled surfer boy told the frightened photog. Another beach boy told the shutterbug to get a real job. "This is a real job!" the paparazzo whined. "What do you do?" The surfer's response? "I just drink beer and party." Sigh. Would you think any less of us if we admitted that right now, we just want to shimmy into our Jil Sander bikini, head over to the beach, and hang out with McConaughey's band of rebellious and glistening surfers? No? You wouldn't? Then you know where we'll be.
SUNDAY, JUNE 22 Today Forbes Traveler ranked Portland first in a list of North America's most bike-friendly cities. You know what that means, right? Finally, an excuse to tell the 64,300 residents of Davis, California, what we really think of them! Suck it, Davis, California! Fifth place?Lame-O! MEANWHILE... Today legendary comedian George Carlin died. Carlin was perhaps most famous for his "Seven Dirty Words," routine: "There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven of them that you can't say on television," he cracked in 1972. "Those are the ones that will infect your soul, curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war." Luckily, One Day isn't televised (yet!), so in memoriam, George: Shit. Piss. Fuck. Cunt. Cocksucker. Motherfucker. Oh, and tits.