MONDAY, JUNE 23 Never thought we'd say this, but we actually AGREE with organized religion about something, and here it is: Mike Myers and his new The Love Guru movie suck tushy squirts. The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) have given the new Mike Myers comedy their most damning classification, "Morally Offensive," calling it "vulgar and tasteless," while adding that it "wallows in endless penis jokes and fairly yucky potty humor." (Hope the USCCB doesn't read this paper.) Naturally, the Hindus are also less than amused, with leader Rajan Zed offering a laundry list of complaints: "Mike Myers' guru instigates a bar fight, repeatedly narrates penis jokes, mocks yoga, wears female jewelry, mocks the concept of the third eye, makes disciples drink tea passed through his nose, orders alligator soup, [and] induces elephant copulation in front of the crowd." Gee, it's so much funnier when Rajan Zed says it. Why didn't they let him write the script?
TUESDAY, JUNE 24 Speaking of denigrating religions, let's pause for our weekly denigration of Scientologists. Will "Fresh Prince" Smith: Is he is, or is he ain't a Scientologist? Everyone around him keeps saying, "Yes, yes," while Will keeps saying, "No, no!" However, according to Popcrunch.com, the evidence is piling up against him: (1) He's super palsy-walsy with the earthly heir to Emperor Klaktu's universal domain, Tom Cruise. (2) Life & Style claims Will was proselytizing like a mofo on the set of his new film Hancock, giving out Scientology-like pamphlets at the end of the shoot. (3) Not only are Will and wifey Jada reportedly home schooling their tykes using Scientology dogma, his soon-to-be-open private school has been accused of teaching the religion as well. "Not true!" yelps the director of Smith's New Village Academy. "We are a secular school, [and] do not promote our own religions." However, they will be "using instructional methods" developed by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, and a few of their teachers belong to the church. And besides reading and math, the school will also offer classes in yoga, robotics, and... etiquette? "Indeed, that is the seminar I shall be leading!" howled Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII in glee. "How else shall your puny Earthling larval forms learn to bow before my grand magnificence? Be warned, pitiful human larvae! Emperor Klaktu does not tolerate talking in class! If you are caught passing holo-notes to your neighbors, I shall read them aloud in front of everyone! Ohh, sweet abject humiliation! And should you refer to me as Mr. Klaktu, rather than Mighty and Just Emperor Klaktu, I shall report you to Vice Principal Jazzy Jeff, who shall feed your parents to the dreaded spike-sarlaac of Bextalon Prime! (Oh... and being tardy more than three times will result in an 'unsatisfactory' mark in citizenship.) YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!"
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 25 As you may have noticed, we are not ones to gloat. If there's one thing we've learned from Emperor Klaktu's etiquette classes, "celebrating the death of one's enemy (especially the seven-headed Thalagarian dragon) is a sign of insecurity." However, while she may not be a seven-headed dragon, you'll forgive us if we take a moment to laugh at Scarlett Johansson: HA. HA. HA! IN YOUR FACE, SKANK!Ahem. This week ScarJo wasunceremoniously DUMPED by the most gorgeous candidate to ever grace a presidential ticket, Barack Obama. As you undoubtedly remember, Scar-J was doing some gloating of her own after Obama personally returned her email. "Someone like the senator, who is constantly traveling, how can he return these personal emails?" the skinny hag gushed. Well today, Barack set the flirty trollop straight, explaining everything to a group of reporters: "She sent [just] one email to my assistant, who forwarded it to me," Obama explained. "I [returned the email] saying, 'Thank you Scarlett for doing what you do.' And now suddenly we have this email relationship?" THAT'S RIGHT, SCARFACE HO-BAG-SSON! You mean absolutely NOTHING to him, so why don't you take your two-dollar nose job and stick it up the ass of some other suntanned Tinselturd meatbag? (BTW, Barack, honey? Could you please check your trash for our emails? We're afraid they're getting spammed.)
THURSDAY, JUNE 26 Here's an update on the slimiest ex-couple in Hollyweird, Denise "I'm Nuts!" Richards and Charlie "I Like Prostitutes!" Sheen. Fearing her children may be scarred by this hilarious ongoing feud, Denise is sending her four- and-three-year-old daughters to therapy. Woe be onto any therapist who has to explain to a toddler why daddy calls mommy the "n-word," and why mommy says daddy is infused with "tranny-prostitute sperm." (Look. Just take them out for ice cream and call it a day.)
FRIDAY, JUNE 27 First the bad news: Mini-Me has a sex tape. (Does anybody have some Purell we could borrow?) The good news? Mini-Me—AKA Verne Troyer—is doing everything he can to keep you from seeing it (which means shaking his teeny-tiny fist in the air while driving around Hollyweird in his itty-bitty clown car). TMZ.com broke the news of the 39-year-old Troyer's homemadeporno earlier this week, posting a short clip on their site—and Troyer responded by filing a lawsuit against TMZ for $20 million, claiming the tape was stolen. Reportedly, the object of Troyer's videotaped affections is his girlfriend, 22-year-old actress Ranae Shrider. "Do I look like I should be smiling about this?" Shrider barked at the paparazzi this weekend. Why so cranky? We're guessing she was either still angry about the sex tape or she had a backache from sleeping in a three-foot bed. (Thank you! Thank you! Now that we've hit our yearly quota of little person jokes, let this be the last time we ever speak of Mini-Me's "mini-me.")
SATURDAY, JUNE 28 Today former Saturday Night Live star Chris Kattan married model Sunshine Tutt! The two met at a.... Okay, that was a TEST. If you stopped reading at "Chris Kattan" and said, "Oh, I wish Britney Spears would start acting crazy again!" you PASSED. If you said, "Oh, I wish Mr. and Mrs. Kattan the best!" you FAILED. Regardless: Britney Spears has started acting crazy again! First! Remember when Britta would flash her vaheena every time she got out of a car, until her embarrassed dad started administering (shudder) panty checks? Well, panty checks or not, Britta's rebelling: Sporting a short dress and minimal undergarments, she exited a car this weekend, giving photogs a front-side view... and then a view of the back as she climbed the stairs! Second! "Everyone deserves a second or third chance, right?" asked the ridiculously named president of MTV, Van Toffler. Toffler was referring to rumors that Britney might stage yet another comeback on the MTV Video Music Awards, following her disastrous turn last year. Dare we hope?! Brit, please keep this up—we never want to type the dreaded words "former Saturday Night Live star" ever again.
SUNDAY, JUNE 29 Today Republican presidential candidate John McCain met with evangelical blowhards Billy and Franklin Graham at their North Carolina "mountaintop retreat." (That's code for "impenetrable Jesus freak fortress.") McCain described both fundamentalists as "great leaders," and pundits noted McCain's move as an important step in securing the religious voters who supported George W. Bush. [Insert ominous music here.] MEANWHILE... So, remember when Hillary Clinton dropped out of the race and it looked like Democrats might stop quibbling long enough to... oh, we don't know... win an election? Don't get your hopes up, dear. According to the Daily Telegraph, a senior Democrat who worked for Bill Clinton let it slip that Bill's bitter about Barack Obama's victory—so bitter, in fact, that he said if Obama wants his endorsement, he'll have to "kiss my ass." (Mmm, Bill? You're not president anymore. That means no more unpaid sexual favors.)