MONDAY, JULY 21 Welcome once again to One Day at a Time: your home for the latest in rumor, innuendo, gossip, slander, and unsubstantiated celebrity colonoscopies. Hey, did you help enable a Hollywood producer's escalating coke and prostitute habit by seeing The Dark Knight this weekend? Ugh! Yeah, us too. (Hubby Kip insisted.) The movie raked in a record-breaking $158.4 million at the box office, which got star Christian Bale so excited he immediately rushed home to beat the shit out of his mom and sister. NOT TRUE. However, the chiseled Bathunk was arrested today by Brit police after his mother and sister accused Bale of assaulting them at the Dorchester Hotel in London on Sunday night. Bale insists the allegations are false, and after a long chitty-chat with the bobbies, Batfink was released without being charged, and is now asking the media to "respect his privacy." Fat... Fucking... Chance! We want to know what this fight was about, who—if anyone—was injured, and if Bale used his Batarang in the brawl. Naturally, we have our own theory, which revolves around the fact that Bale's mum is a... get this... a part-time clown! Maybe she was wearing her make-up, and he confused her with the Joker! Then he raced his Bat-Pod straight toward her, but veered away at the last possible second, knowing that by killing her he would be embracing the same evil that consumed his mother. (Why oh why did we let Hubby Kip convince us to see this instead of Mama Mia?)
TUESDAY, JULY 22 Fans of The Golden Girls—AKA the octogenarian's Sex and the City—paused today to mourn the passing of one of its stars, Estelle Getty, who died just shy of her 85th b-day. Best remembered as the sassy-fras talkin' Sophia Petrillo, Getty got big laughs poking fun at the plight of aging in America. Two choice Sophia quotes: "I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, he would have filled them with helium." Or when the promiscuous Blanche was assigned to take care of cantankerous Sophia: "Fasten your seatbelt, slut puppy! This ain't gonna be no cakewalk." Godspeed, Estelle. You will be missed. MEANWHILE... Los Angeles is taking a stand against obesity by proposing a ban on new fast food restaurants in a 32-square-mile area of the city. The moratorium follows a report that found children in South LA, Baldwin Hills, and Leimert Park were more obese than their counterparts in other parts of the city—partially due to the number of fast food outlets and lack of restaurants and grocery stores. Naturally, the fast food industry is protesting the proposed moratorium. "It's not our fault kids are fat," bellowed an angry Mayor McCheese. "Robble-robble!" agreed the commissioner of health, the Hamburgler.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 23 In the world of "celebrity romance," pop cougar Madonna and cuckolded hubby Guy Ritchie are hard at work trying to convince the rest of us their relationship is not a desperate sham. The couple is reportedly planning a "Shabbat Nachamu" which is either a Kabbalah ceremony in which couples renew their vows, or a Klingon phrase generally used before attacking the Enterprise. And when recently asked by reporters if things were going well with their marriage, Ritchie shrugged and said, "As far as I'm aware of." SIGH! Why can't Hubby Kip be that romantic? MEANWHILE... Speaking of "romance," Lindsay Lohan and her (ohhh... how shall we put this?) "special lady friend who dresses like a man" DJ Samantha Ronson continue to be caught surreptitiously holding hands, wearing each other's clothing, making googly eyes at each other... you know, things lesbians would do if they were unable to admit they were lesbians. Anyway, someone needs to say it: LiLo? Everyone is OKAY with you being a LizBo. And if you 'fess up, we promise we'll never call you that again. MEANWHILE... Octogenarians Paul McCartney and Billy Joel were seen together this evening at a screening of The Dark Knight. All together now... EWW!
THURSDAY, JULY 24 According to a hilariously vicious little rumor printed by Us Weekly, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt used artificial insemination to produce their newest pair of kids, so they wouldn't have to "deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant." OH, HONEY, WE KNOW! Getting knocked up would be so great if you didn't have to endure all that gross, icky sex! BLECH! And it must be especially horrific for Angie and Brad who—let's face it—are fantastically hideous. If you want to know what it's like, just imagine Paul McCartney and Billy Joel doing it. MEANWHILE... Two paparazzi were so desperate to get shots of Brangelina and their artificially inseminated brood, they camouflaged themselves to sneak onto the pair's property in southern France. Unfortunately they were caught by security, ending up in a hilarious tussle in which one photog broke a guard's finger and bit another until he bled. The guards responded by beating the photogs about the heads with their walkie-talkies. Undeterred by a huge gash in his noggin, photog Luc Goursolas sought his revenge against the guards in the following manner: "I was pouring blood. I threw myself at them, put blood all over them, and told them I had HIV so they would stop hitting me." Dear Brad and Angie: Are you sure you want to bring two more babies into this world?
FRIDAY, JULY 25 Britney Spears! (Haven't heard that name in a while, have you? Unfortunately, it's good news.) Today Brit and "Father of the Year by Default" Kevin Federline finally settled their long-standing child custody case. The outcome? Britta will be getting 50-50 custody of the kids, while K.Fed will be receiving $20,000 PER MONTH to spend on the children and Vegas douchebaggettes. Once again there is balance in the universe.
SATURDAY, JULY 26 Relax everybody, Apple CEO Steve Jobs' life is NOT in danger! According to the "non-news" section of today's New York Times, and despite some investors' concerns, Jobs "does not have recurrent cancer or a life-threatening health issue." He is also NOT expected to be hit by a bus in the next three days, nor will he be eaten by a shark. (However, he is also NOT going to open up the iPhone to other carriers besides AT&T. By the way, if Jobs decides to go swimming anytime soon, could someone chum the waters, please?) MEANWHILE... Omigod! See, that's why you should never wish for someone to be bitten by a shark, because... A SHARK BIT RYAN SEACREST! Thank heavens it was just a small bite, and Seacrest was able to return to his 1,487 jobs in the afternoon.
SUNDAY, JULY 27 Today an unemployed man stepped into a Unitarian church in Knoxville, Tennessee, and opened fire with a shotgun, killing two people. The gunman had left a note in his car stating that he hated this particular religious sect for its liberal views on women and gay rights. But imagine for a moment he hadn't left a note... at the exact moment of the shooting, church members were performing the musical Annie. If there wasn't a note, who could blame us for jumping to the wrong conclusion? MEANWHILE... The LaBeouf is in trouble again! After apologizing for a drunken escapade in a drugstore last month, adorable hunk Shia "LaBeef" LaBeouf found himself on the wrong side of the law again this morning after flipping his truck in a drunken crash. While the unidentified woman in the passenger seat emerged relatively unharmed, LaBeef was whisked to the hospital where he received treatment for a bloodied head, an injured knee, and extensive surgery on his left hand. (Please, LaBeef! Shave your head and bash an SUV with an umbrella! Now that Britney's sober, you're our only hope!)