MONDAY, AUGUST 11 Is Jennifer Aniston headed for another Olympic-sized heartbreak? Get the filthy scoop in this week's One Day at a Time! As we go to press, reports may be mixed, but the general opinion remains the same: The equine Jennifer Aniston and her horsey-hung boytoy John Mayer are DUNZO. According to a source who gabbed to the Daily Mirror, "John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn't ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved." Translated: "It's not you, baby... it's ME!" Meanwhile, over at Us Weekly, another source (who's also supposedly "incredibly close" to the pair) says it's not actually a big dramatic breakup... "It's really a cooling-off. These are mature people who talk about things maturely. It's just slowed down." Translated: "Horsey-Face got dumped." NOT SO says yet another incredibly close friend to the Sun-Times who asserts, "It was Jen who decided to move on... she just got tired of his roving eye" and his "quickie" flings. Translated: "Ummm... that's probably exactly what happened." Regardless, keep that chin (and nose) up, Jen, and remember: There are more stallions in the barn! MEANWHILE... While we're not huge sports fans, we were extremely excited by this weekend's Olympic games—particularly the 400 freestyle relay. But make no mistake: we were less thrilled with swimmer Jason Lezak's come-from-behind victory over the French than we were about the celebratory medal winner Michael Phelps who was so excited, his shaved junk nearly fell out. OH... MY. We're serious... we nearly spilled our Mai Tai! And if that wasn't erotic enough for you, after his surprising win, Lezak said of his French competitor, "People have gotten on my lane line and sucked off of me, so I figured this is the one opportunity in my whole career to do that." OH... MY. It's like they're speaking in secret code just to us drooling gals! (So when is Olympic Athletes Gone Wild coming out on DVD?)
TUESDAY, AUGUST 12 Much like Michael Phelps' shaved junk, the Olympics opening ceremony has been revealed to be not quite as perfect as we first suspected. Not only have we learned that some of the footage of fireworks exploding across Beijing was faked out of fear that not all of the blasts would be caught on camera, today we found out that the absolutely adorable pig-tailed Chinese girl was actually lip-synching "Ode to the Motherland." And the original girl who was actually singing was yanked at the last minute thanks to her crooked teeth! According to reports, seven-year-old Yang Peiyi was deemed to have the best voice, but li'l Lin Miaoke was judged as most beautiful. And now the most bizarrely honest quote you're likely to read all week: Said musical director Chen Qigang, "The national interest requires that the girl should have good looks and a good grasp of the song and look good on screen." WOW. It's like what Hollywood would say about every one of their actresses if they had the balls. But while it may be debatable whether or not fooling viewers around the globe really is in China's best interest, we still have to admit: Nobody wants to look at a kid with crooked teeth. Ew.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 13 But let's get back to bullshit taking place in this country. Remember Valerie Plame, the CIA spy who was outed by the Bush administration, allegedly because her husband spoke out against the war in Iraq? Well, she filed a lawsuit for monetary damages against Vice President Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and others in the administration for destroying her career—aaaaaand she lost. According to the court who dismissed the suit, Cheney and the gang were perfectly in their rights to expose Plame and endanger her life, because they were "acting in their official capacity." Apparently, government employees—even those who engage in torturing prisoners at Guantanamo Bay—"cannot be held individually liable if they're carrying out official duties." China's not looking so bad now, is it?
THURSDAY, AUGUST 14 So if there's anything worse than the Bush administration, China, and children with crooked teeth, it's the little bitch that's currently making Jamie Lynn Spears' life a living hell! (No, we're not talking about her baby.) The 17-year-old mom and sister of recovering pop tart Britney Spears is livid over reports that her 19-year-old hubby Casey Aldridge has been allegedly banging some girl on the side (whom we'd guess is probably a hostess at Applebee's). According to In Touch, Kelli Dawson claims she was having hot teen sex with Casey when Jamie Lynn was six-months pregnant! Dawson recalls, "It happened very casually. He came by the house and I went off with him in his car and had sex." (You know, the way she describes it, it makes our and Hubby Kip's first date sound so cheap.) "We would hang out and hook up, have sex," Dawson unfortunately continued. "I don't know where Jamie Lynn thought he was. He probably said he was just going out with the guys, but really he was coming to be with me." Jamie Lynn—we know how upset you must be right now. But just try to stay calm and do whatever relaxes you. Hey, we hear Wal-Mart is having a sale on bulk frozen corn dogs!
FRIDAY, AUGUST 15 For centuries, hoaxers, charlatans, and inbred hillbillies have sworn that the mighty Bigfoot roams North America's forests. Today, Georgians Matt Whitton and Rick Dyer (yep, those would be the hillbillies) held a press conference with frequent hoax—er, "Bigfoot hunter" Tom Biscardi, in which they claimed to have found a dead Bigfoot in northern Georgia. (They stashed it in their freezer, obvs.) Bored reporters and scientists (including one guy who showed up to the press conference in a Chewbacca costume) weren't impressed: Anthropologist Jeffrey Meldrum called the trio's evidence "not compelling in the least" and pointed out that the Bigfoot in the trio's photos "just looks like a costume with some fake guts thrown on top for effect." All the same, the guys managed to get national attention for their stunt—and no doubt, the two drunken hillbillies who still believe Bigfoot is out there were sorely disappointed. (Sorry, Brit and Jamie Lynn!) MEANWHILE... Speaking of Sasquatch, today Roseanne Barr let loose on her blog about perpetual One Day guest stars Brangelina. The unedited text: "jon voight your evil spawn angelina jolie and her vacuous hubby brad pitt make about forty million dollars a year in violent psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more. (just sayin')." It's official, One Day fans: The only thing more ridiculous than A-list celebrities are bitter D-list celebrities! By all means, visit Roseanne's blog (roseanneworld.com) and check out some of her other entries—most notably the one for August 17, titled "bit my cuticle, its infected": "must go to hospital to get it lanced. Must get drunk first." You keep on livin' that high life, Roseanne.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 16 "Now look, everybody says, 'I hate ABBA. Oh, ABBA, how terrible! Blah blah blah.' How come everybody goes to Mamma Mia!? Huh? I mean, really, seriously, huh? 'I hate ABBA, they're no good, you know.' Well, everybody goes. They've been selling out for years." That was presidential candidate John McCain, angrily defending his favorite song—which, just FYI, is "Dancing Queen"—to a disbelieving journalist. Who says Republicans don't care about gay issues?
SUNDAY, AUGUST 17 Remember the Jennifer Aniston/John Mayer breakup? Well, now we have John's take on it, since he rambled to a swarm of reporters! "If you guys are going to run stuff and run every lie under the sun, have somebody stand up for somebody. Have me as a man who ended a relationship stand here and write some truth." Um, okay? Go! Calling Aniston "the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I've ever met" (oh, that's too bad), Mayer continued, "I ended a relationship because there is no lying. I ended a relationship to be alone because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right. I don't waste people's time." Translated: "I got sick of having flashbacks to Mr. Ed." Finally, a little bit of honesty in Hollyweird!