MONDAY, AUGUST 18 Welcome back to One Day at a Time, your source for Hollyweird's most sordid shenanigans! This week's a doozy—and shockingly, it starts off with perennial One Day star Britney Spears! Ever since the dreamy Justin Timberlake ditched Brit years ago, rumors have been swirling of a duet between the two former lovers. Not so, says Timberlake's rep, who said JT "is not scheduled to be in the recording studio with Britney." Even worse? Timberlake's been snubbing Spears—last week at a Robin Thicke concert in West Hollywood, the Britta spotted JT canoodling with trampy galpal, Jessica Biel. One witness told In Touch, "Britney was smiling and singing along to songs. She kept eyeing Justin but stopped short of actually walking over to say hello. Justin kept his back to her. She was obviously waiting for him to turn around, but he never did!" That's kinda sad, but wait—kinda creepy, too! Continues In Touch, "Britney even watched the couple while Justin gave Jessica a long kiss on the lips." Sooo.... Brit's totally stalking Justin. Which is messed up and wrong and pathetic, Britney! (Also, back off. When that skank Jessica gets hit by a bus, Justin is ours. Adnan and K.Fed are yours.)
TUESDAY, AUGUST 19 In other news regarding desperate celebrities, it turns out basketball superstar Shaquille O'Neal is a heavy breather. Or so says an Atlanta hiphop artist known only as "MaryJane," who insists that Shaq's been harassing her by phone and, when she answers, breathing heavily. (C'mon, Shaq: If you're going to be a pervert, at least be original about it.) MaryJane also claims O'Neal's been sending her threatening emails and obscene drawings. So... seeing as how Hubby Kip is prone to shouting "Shaq attack!" every time O'Neal dunks or shoots or whatever it is he does, maybe he should start shouting something else. Maybe "Kazaam"? MEANWHILE... After being diagnosed with breast cancer, Married with Children and Anchorman star Christina Applegate has undergone a double mastectomy—and we have to say, after seeing the way she's handled it, we're pretty impressed. Talking about her ordeal and plans for reconstructive surgery, Applegate cracked to Good Morning America, "I'm going to have cute boobs 'til I'm 90, so there's that. I'll have the best boobs in the nursing home. I'll be the envy of all the ladies around the bridge table." Wrong, Chrissy: You'll have the second-best rack. But to make up for it, we'll let you shuffle and deal.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 20 Remember how before she got abducted and brainwashed into being Tom Cruise's child bride, Katie Holmes was an actress? Yeah, neither do we. Still, some dimwitted Broadway investors hired Katie for the show All My Sons, and ticket sales are "definitely off from what the production hoped," a source told MSNBC. "Don't you dare imply that the delightful Katie Holmes has something to do with All My Sons' less-than-spectacular advance ticket sales!" roared Emperor Klaktuu of Rigel VII when reached for holo-comment. "As the delightful 'Joey Potter' on your Earth program Dawson's Creek, Katie Holmes was nothing short of brilliant! Personally, I have already bought no fewer than 500 tickets to All My Sons to affirm my support of Katie Holmes' career, and I command all of my loyal subjects to do the same—or face the gaping maws of my Yurgantian mega-millipedes! (And yes, this means you, cheapskate residents of Ferenginar!)"
THURSDAY, AUGUST 21 Former pop stars Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale have named their newborn son Zuma Nesta Rock. In news from the year 2023, cyborg police for the greater San Angeles area determined that the official cause of death for one "Z.N. Rock" was "embarrassment." Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter, Apple, Nicolas Cage's son, Kal-el, and Jason Lee's son, Pilot Inspektor, preceded him in death. MEANWHILE... So record-breaking swimmer Michael Phelps continues to win all sorts of gold medals at the Olympics—and don't think Hollyweird's hussies haven't noticed! Back in 2004, when Phelps was asked what celebrity he'd most like to meet, he answered "Lindsay Lohan. She's pretty hot." So at the start of these Olympics, Lohan sent Phelps a half-assed message: "Good luck." But now that Phelps has won a kajillion gold medals (and everyone's seen him in that Speedo), LiLo's a bit more interested. "Tell him he's fucking amazing, and I want to meet him," she gushed to Access Hollywood's Billy Bush. Mmmm... LiLo, don't you have a pseudo-lesbian relationship to attend to? MEANWHILE... Maybe the overly excited LiLo should take a cue from the egomaniacal J.Lo, who's training for a triathalon and doesn't see why everyone's making such a fuss over Phelps. Before her interview with Good Morning America, J.Lo "yammered on about how she was the one training for a triathalon just six months after giving birth, and how that was the big story right now, not 'the swimmer,'" a source reported to MSNBC. That's right, J.Lo. How silly of us to think a super-cute Olympian winning every gold medal ever made was more important than a narcissistic ex-pop star. Our apologies.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 22 Need more of that filthy Michael Phelps? YES, YOU DO! The gold-medal winning hunk may be giving LiLo the heave-ho, but his tongue has been extremely busy during these Olympic games. According to the New York Post, Phelps has been doing some Greco-Roman style tongue wrestling with hotsy-totsy Australian Olympian Stephanie Rice, who has only recently split from Aussie swimmer Eamon Sullivan. Natch, Sullivan is none too happy about the pairing... but you know what? He can SUCK IT, because anyone who wins eight gold medals can tickle our tonsils anytime. (Okay, fine... perhaps we're overstating it. But oh sweet Jesus... those abs!)
SATURDAY, AUGUST 23 Today almost started out as the greatest day of our lives... because we received a 3 am text message from Barack Obama! EEEEEEEEE! We know, right? Naturally, we almost broke our slender neck rolling out of bed in our mad dash to read the message, which would surely say something like, "Ann... your beauty and wit overwhelms me. Allow me to do you on the floor of a filthy Chevy van!" Alas, no such luck. Apparently, we had signed up earlier to receive texts from the Obama campaign, and he was just writing to inform us that he had selected Senator Joe Biden as his vice presidential running mate. Look, Barack. We like Joe Biden. He's smart, experienced, and will tear the McCain campaign a new asshole. BUT YOU COULDN'T WAIT UNTIL 10 AM TO LET US KNOW? Don't wake us up again unless you're wearing European underpants and sitting outside our house in a filthy Chevy van.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 24 Note to self: Never compare John McCain to Hitler. It really, really hurts his feelings! Today, the McCain campaign sent a blistering response after aging pop cougar Madonna performed a concert in which she displayed a picture of McCain alongside that of Hitler and Zimbabwean strongman Robert Mugabe. After learning of the incident, McCain's campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds squealed, "The comparisons are outrageous, unacceptable, and crudely divisive all at the same time." (Well, that Madonna is a busy lady.) However, lest we forget, it was the McCain campaign who originally compared Barack Obama to Paris Hilton—who may not be a Hitler, but is definitely a Hitlerette. MEANWHILE... Thank god in heaven the Olympics are over! A girl can only take so much of Michael Phelps' abs and shaved junk before slipping into autoerotic shock. And while people like sprinter Usain Bolt, Russian pole vaulter Yelena Isinbayeva, and the tongue of the previously mentioned Phelps had a great time in China, let's not forget the protesters who were unceremoniously kicked out of the country, and journalists who were roughed up for trying to report about it. While the Chinese government set up special "protest zones" throughout Beijing so that citizens could apply to speak their minds about the country's ugly human-rights record, NONE of the applications filed by dissenters were accepted. In fact, two elderly Chinese women were reportedly ordered to spend a year in a labor camp—simply for applying to protest. Don't expect them to be receiving gold medals anytime soon.