MONDAY, AUGUST 25 Remember when family members would scream at each other over Thanksgiving dinner to work out their problems? Now, thanks to the internet, we settle our familial spats in a much more healthy fashion: BLOG WARS! And hoooo boy, did the Lohan family have a great blog war this week. It all started when papa Michael Lohan believed internet gossip that Lindsay Lohan's "special mannish friend with benefits" DJ Samantha Ronson was writing a tell-all book. Buying it hook, line, and sinker, he freaked and ran to the press. "I've shut up about this long enough," crowed PapaLo, who rarely shuts up about anything. "[Samantha's] using my daughter. People never even knew who she was until she met Lindsay. And now she's writing a book?" Not about to take his statements lying down, LiLo and SamRo hopped out of bed (or wherever they were lying down at the time) and took the fight to their blogs! "[My father] has become a public embaressment [sic] and a bully," Lindy furiously typed. "[Especially] to my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (it's obvious who that is). It's all because of an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS—FAME." SamRo also shot back to PapaLo's comments with her own post, succinctly entitled "Shut the Fuck Up"—accusing LiLo's dad of clearly being out of control. "Who's out of control?" PapaLo responded in a completely out of control fashion. "Whose life is out of control? Give me a break. [Lindsay's] gone from making $7 million to less than a million a movie. Who's out of control? I go to church! I go and help people in rehab! That's control! How can she say I'm out of control? If they're going to say I'm lying, I'm out of control, I'm going to show that THEY'RE lying and THEY'RE out of control!" Sounds perfectly in control to us.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 26 The more we find out about admittedly gorgeous tramp/harlot Sarah Larson—who temporarily snagged the dreamiest of dreamboats, George Clooney—the less we like her. (And totes obvs, we didn't like her much to begin with.) According to the New York Post, Vegas spies say the former cocktail waitress visited Sin City while the pair were dating, and "cheated on him with a media mogul." YOU FILTHY WHORE. We can only hope this isn't true, because if it were, Larson would quickly find herself on the receiving end of a One Day at a Time eye gouging. And believe us when we say, "This kitty can SCRATCH!" MEANWHILE... There was really no need whatsoever for Matthew McConaughey's mom Kay to write an autobiography—and yet she did, humbly titling it I Amaze Myself! (Sheesh.) In the tome, she apparently talks about raising Matthew, and brags about the size of her late husband's penis... who died... while having sex. "On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love. But one day... I knew something was wrong, because I didn't hear anything from him. But it was just the best way to go!" Eww? Yes. But it gets worse, because she demanded that the coroner remove dead Papa McConaughey from the house NUDE. "I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey—and his gift." EWWW! Well, Kay... you certainly "amaze" us, too. In a vomity sort of way.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27 Oh, that's right... the Democratic National Convention is running all week, which is kind of like Bring it On except with old people in pantsuits. However, something legitimately interesting happened today when Hillary Clinton wisely stepped out onstage and took her name out of the running for the nomination—throwing her (and Hubby Bill's) full support behind the Obama juggernaut. Classy move, Hill. We need those rats out of the White House ASAP because... MEANWHILE... The New York Times reported that three U.S. soldiers have confessed to executing four handcuffed and blindfolded Iraqi prisoners on the bank of a Baghdad canal. This is, of course, in direct violation of military law, which states that soldiers cannot harm enemy combatants who are disarmed and in custody. November 4th needs to get here quick.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 28 And just in case you're confused as to Barack Obama's position on the war in Iraq, he stated it plainly enough in tonight's acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention: "As Commander-in-Chief," he said, "I will end this war in Iraq responsibly, and finish the fight against al Qaeda and the Taliban in Afghanistan. I will rebuild our military to meet future conflicts. I will build new partnerships to defeat the threats of the 21st century: terrorism and nuclear proliferation; poverty and genocide; climate change and disease. And I will restore our moral standing, so that America is once again that last, best hope for all who are called to the cause of freedom, who long for lives of peace, and who yearn for a better future." That's our future president... that's our dreamboat.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 29 "I am not a sex addict," actor David Duchovny told Playgirl magazine in 1997, back when he was famous and nerds cared about The X-Files. Now fast forward 11 years, annnnd... "I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction," Duchovny wrote in a public statement today. People broke the news, adding that the actor (who's married to another formerly famous person, Téa Leoni) is asking "for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family." Now, David, we want you to get over your rampant nymphomania as much as anybody else, but you might want to get an editor for your press releases—vowing to deal with your sex addiction "as a family" sounds kinda like a creepy synopsis for a lousy X-file.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 30 Yesssss! After Obama killed at the Democratic National Convention on Thursday, we were starting to feel like this election was all wrapped up—which would have been good for the country, but bad for a certain devilishly clever, wildly attractive gossip columnist. But we needn't have worried, since John McCain has picked his vice presidential running mate, and she's a doozy! Yes, she—in a desperate bid to scoop up disaffected Hillary Clinton supporters, the 72-year-old McCain selected the 44-year-old governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, to join him on the GOP's ticket. While it's easy to discredit Palin—she's a self-described "hockey mom," a former beauty queen, and her total experience amounts to being the governor of one of America's least-populous states for less than two years—she has it where it counts, for Republicans at least, since she's adamantly anti-abortion and supports drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Opinion on McCain's choice is sharply divided—some see it as proof that the Republican party is open to changing its image, while others see it as shameless pandering. But either way, we hereby predict Palin's going to make things a lot more interesting. And her shoes are way cuter than Joe Biden's!
SUNDAY, AUGUST 31st Oh, we were soooo right! Already, Palin's proving a veritable gossip goldmine. Today the Huffington Post found audio from a January radio interview with the Alaska gov, in which a couple of shock jocks called one of Palin's political enemies—Alaska Senate President Lyda Green—"a cancer and a bitch." (Green is a cancer survivor, just FYI.) Since the DJs also derided Green's weight, one would think Palin would have told the shock jocks they'd gone too far, right? Wrong! Instead, Palin giggled along. MEANWHILE... OMG, it gets even better! The New York Times has broken the news that Palin's unwed 17-year-old daughter, Bristol, is five months pregnant—a discovery that's apparently thrown the GOP, which loves to talk about its ostensible "family values," into chaos. (We're also guessing the news threw the heart rate of the geriatric McCain into chaos.) With only a few days on the job as wannabe VP, Palin is already making politics so much more interesting, we're tempted to vote for her and McCain, just to see what other wacky Republican shenanigans they'll get themselves into! Oh, wait. Never mind. The past eight years of wacky Republican shenanigans have been more than enough, thank you.