MONDAY, NOVEMBER 27 There's a new terrible trio hitting the clubs in Hollyweird, folks! And of course we're talking about Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Britney Spears' VAGINA. (Or "Va-heena" as our Hubby Kip likes to annoyingly call it.) After the very public and long overdue bust-up with K.Fed, Britney decided to turn over a new leaf—but why on God's green earth does it need to be with Paris Hilton?? And why does it involve flashing her va-heena? You think we're joking, but we're not. There were three separate incidents of va-heena flashing this week—each one more disgusting than the last. And this is coming from someone who owns a va-heena! Though we didn't want to look at Britney's va-heena, it's kind of our job, right? And while we refuse to show you the most offensive of the photos, just take it from us when we say it looked like a plucked turkey (if the turkey had undergone a Caesarean). EWW! We're telling you that this Paris Hilton girl is a bad influence. Yet, according to Paris, these underpant-less nights on the town are in Britney's best interest. "I love her," Paris gushed to Us magazine, "She is the sweetest girl I know. I just want her to smile and be happy." THEN BE A GOOD FRIEND AND TELL HER TO PUT ON SOME UNDERWEAR! Do you think former Secretary of State Madeline Albrecht's main words of advice would be to forego underpants? We doubt it. MEANWHILE... Unless he winds up dead or in jail, soon there will be little need to ever mention K.Fed again. So enjoy these gossip bits while you have them: According to Star magazine, K.Fed was porking a porn star while he and Britney were still together. Apparently Fed and the aptly named Kendra Jade met in Vegas last December and "kept in touch" ever since. Says a source, "Kev and Kendra had sex at their friends' apartment multiple times, starting in early October." When informed of this report, Britney's va-heena was furious. "I can't believe I ever let that skanky guy inside me," the genitalia replied. "Is it any wonder I have to shave?"
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28 In more of that marvelous divorce news, genetically engineered sexpot Pamela Anderson has given the heave-ho to skinny skank Kid Rock after only three months of marriage. Our only question: WHY DID SHE WAIT SO LONG? And though it may be assumed that the marriage went kaput because Kid is such a skinny skank, it turns out that someone else is to blame for the divorce. Someone known as... BORAT. According to the New York Post, Pammy and Kid (whose real name is Bob Richie... Haw!) were watching a screening of the Borat movie—in which Pam plays a small, but critical role—and Kid Bob blew up! According to a source, "Bob started screaming at Pam, saying she had humiliated herself and telling her, 'You're nothing but a whore! You're a slut! How could you do that movie?'—in front of everyone." Ohhh-kay. There's a LOT of things wrong with what Kid Bob just said, but doesn't he remember that sex video he made with former god rocker Scott Stapp, wherein a gaggle of groupies were administering oral sex? Borat's a much better movie. Plus it has all those great catchphrases like "Let's make sexy time!" "You're nothing but a whore" just doesn't have the same ring to it.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 29 If it's Wednesday, then teen queen Lindsay Lohan must have gone on yet another booze-fueled tirade. This time it all went down at the fancy-pantsy GQ Men of the Year dinner, featuring a celebby set including Leo DiCaprio, Jay-Z, Al Gore, and Jessica Biel... and... and Biel's assistant?!? OH, NO SHE DID NOT. Apparently, Biel was too stupid to realize that her assistant used to be Lohan's assistant before they had a huge falling out. And yet, there she was at the GQ dinner... acting all... assistant-y. Well, that's all it took to send LiLo over the edge (mmmm... that and a bottle of Grey Goose). According to a witness, Lindy started screaming, "If she [the assistant] stays, I'm outta here! I can't look at that girl! I can't believe you would allow an assistant in here—she doesn't belong!" Ohhh, Lindy is so right! An assistant at a GQ dinner? Please! Maybe in a Jane Austen novel—but most certainly not in modern Hollyweird! It's unheard of! The next thing you know, young starlets will be flashing their va-heenas all hither and thither and... oh. Never mind.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 30 While most of the world has joined hands in hating Michael "KKKramer" Richards for his recent n-word laced diatribe at a comedy club, the former Seinfeld star has found an unlikely ally: Mel "I'm a Drunk Jew-Hater" Gibson. In a recent interview with Entertainment Weekly, Gibson expressed solidarity with the despised comedian. "I feel really badly for the guy," Gibson said. "You don't need to be inebriated to be bent out of shape. But my heart went out to the guy." And after Gibson's heart went out to the guy, it stopped off by the liquor store for a bottle of tequila, hit on a couple of chicks, and then defamed a synagogue. Poor, poor, anti-Semitic heart. Our heart really goes out to it.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 1 Lindsay Lohan's in AA! LiLo's crazy mom, Dina, broke the news today to hard-hitting journalist Ryan Seacrest! (Wait. Dina, did anyone tell you that "AA" stands for "Alcoholics Anonymous"?) "This is true," Dina gushed when asked if her once-adorable, now-drunkenly slutty Linds was doing the 12-step shuffle. "You know, a lot of people she hangs out with go, and it's a positive thing." Well... okay! Good for you, Linds! That demon in the bottle won't haunt you any more! Just take it one day at a time, hop on that wagon, and get that drunken monkey off your back! And when you go around making amends to everybody you've wronged, don't forget Herbie the Love Bug. He was really hurt when you.... Hey—wait a minute! Wasn't LiLo drunk at that GQ party... like two days ago? On Wednesday? She was! Somehow, we're doubting Lindsay's taking AA all that seriously, seeing as how she's still boozing it up. (Wait. Linds, did anyone tell you that "AA" stands for "Alcoholics Anonymous"?)
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 2 Happy birthday, Britney Spears' ass! After a busy week of flashin' her va-heena to everyone in Hollyweird, Spears decided to spin around and let everyone get a good look at her back door. While celebrating her 25th birthday in Beverly Hills, Brit sashayed up to a big glass window, looked down at the hordes of paparazzi outside, and then started shaking her ass, before bending over to make sure no one could miss it. Throughout the night, she then returned to the window and repeated the show several times. Oh, Brit. WWMAA? (What would Madeline Albrecht advise?)
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 3 Rest in peace, George Clooney's pot-bellied pig. (Huh? George Clooney, the Sexiest Man Alive, had a pot-bellied pig? EW.) "He just died, like, an hour ago," a bereaved—yet still dreamy—Clooney told People magazine, clearly mourning the loss of his disgusting, disgusting pet. He'd had the filthy swine, Max, for 18 years, and—according to People—"sometimes shared the same bed with his pet." (EW. EEEEWWW!) But as revolting as those horrid animals are, let's get past it for a sec: We all know that losing a pet—no matter how revolting and awful said pet might have been—can be a very, very difficult time in one's life. So George? If you need someone to console you? If your bed, sans Max, now feels a little empty? Just give us a call. You have our number. Just wash the sheets first, okay?