MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 1 It's Labor Day, and yet vice presidential wannabe Sarah Palin was hard at work, furiously spinning the story of her pregnant, 17-year-old unmarried daughter. Today's announcement was intended to curtail rumors that Mama Palin faked her pregnancy to cover up for daughter Bristol, who is said to be the actual mother of Trig, the baby with Down syndrome. (Didn't we see this on Days of Our Lives?) Regardless, let's assume Palin's convoluted and fairly unbelievable story is true for the moment, and focus on what a fucking hypocrite she is. While Palin may now be showing "unconditional support" to her knocked-up daughter, this oil-drillin', Jesus lovin' Alaskan governator was all too happy to cut funds to teen mothers who needed a place to live. According to the Washington Post, Palin used her line-item veto earlier this year to eviscerate the funding needed to provide programs and shelters for teen moms—plus, she agrees with McCain in his opposition to funding that would help prevent teen pregnancies. So while pregnant teens may just be something that "occasionally happens to American families" (according to her GOP apologists), it's her Bushian attitudes toward teen sex that helped bring Bristol to her current predicament. (That, and the fact that the guy who knocked her up is totes hot. Much more on him later.) MEANWHILE... Sure, we know what every political commentator in the world has said about Palin and Preggo-gate—but what about Hollyweird pundit Lindsay Lohan? On the same blog she used to kick her father's ass just last week, she weighed in with her views on today's controversy. Wrote LiLo, "I think the real problem comes from the fact we're taking the focus off of getting to know Sarah Palin and her political views. It's distracting from the real issues." She later continues, "Parents need to recognize the importance of talking to their children about the things that can result from being sexually active if they aren't protecting themselves (birth control, condoms, etc.)." DAMN IT, we hate it when Lindsay Lohan actually makes sense!
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 Thankfully, the national media decided to ignore Sarah Palin's boring and fairly homely pregnant daughter to focus on the yummy hunk of Alaskan meat that impregnated her! Meet 18-year-old Levi Johnston, whose rugged sperm fought its way through the wilderness to find its home in the vagina of a girl who religiously believes in abstinence. Plus, according to his now-defunct MySpace page, he's quite the charmer as well! Check out what Levi wrote in his bio (and NO, WE'RE NOT JOKING): "I'm a fuckin' redneck who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes. But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some shit and just fuckin' chillin' I guess. Ya fuck with me I'll kick ass." SIGH! He's like Hugh Grant if Hugh lived in Alabama and someone dropped a big rock on his head. Later on Levi made the admission that kids "are not for me." Obviously he's changed his mind since he's become the potential deadbeat son-in-law to the woman who's a heartbeat away from the presidency. (Dear God, please let us wake up to find out this has all been a failed sitcom.) MEANWHILE... According to Vanity Fair, the outfit worn by would-be First Lady Cindy McCain at the Republican National Convention is valued at over $300,000! Take that, you elitist celebrity-loving, small town-hating Democrats! The Republicans can play your little game, too!
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 In what was probably the Republicans' most morally disgusting day of their convention, the GOP audience found their new catchphrase ("Drill, baby, drill"—an ode to wasting our national resources to fuel their PT Cruisers), Rudy Giuliani got big laffs out of Barack Obama's "community service" (really, how dare he help the poor and underprivileged?), and Sarah Palin gave a fiery sarcastic speech that somehow convinced Republicans that they still deserve the presidency, even though they've fucked up the world for the last eight years. To her credit, however, Palin did try to balance her lies about Obama and her work as governor with a little humor: "What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?" she asked the fawning crowd. "Lipstick!" True, pit bulls don't wear lipstick. Now here's one for her: "What's the difference between Sarah Palin and Dan Quayle? Lipstick!"
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 4 While Sarah Palin's speech may have given a boost to the flagging spirits of Republicans, it was even better for the Democratic coffers who raked in a whopping $10 million dollars from Obama supporters following her loud, but largely impotent screed. Thanks, Sarah! MEANWHILE... Tonight, the Republican National Convention reached its zenith as presidential hopeful John McCain took the stage, and proceeded to bore the shit out of even the most virulent GOP supporter. Luckily, interruptions from protestors, and McCain's pasty white skin and yellow teeth kept the audience awake long enough for the balloons to drop. But hey... HOW ABOUT THAT SARAH PALIN?
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 5 Britney Spears was drinking at 13, losing her virginity at 14, and taking drugs at 15—so by Hollyweird's standards, she was a late bloomer! Such is the news delivered in Lynne Spears' shameless tell-all cash-in heartfelt autobiography, Through the Storm. According to mommy dearest, Brit started drinking shortly after becoming a member of the Mickey Mouse Club (who wouldn't?), and less than a year later, she was having sex. By the time she recorded ...Baby One More Time, she was doing drugs, and at age 16, Lynne allowed Brit to sleep with then-boyfriend Justin Timberlake. Predictably enough, the Britta is "furious" about Mama Spears' book—so says Page Six, which adds that Brit "already considered her mother a siphon on her purse." Snap! Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to start casting for the inevitable TV movie. Assuming she can take a break from her depressing commercials for osteoporosis medicine, we're seeing Sally Field as Lynne, and that Hannah Montana floozy as Brit. We'll call it Crossroads 2.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 6 When she's not writing astute political blog posts, Lindsay Lohan is turning down $700,000 when asked to do an eight-page topless spread. "If there's nudity, the answer's no," Lohan's rep told Playboy—apparently unaware of Lohan's topless photoshoot for New York Magazine a while back—or, you know, pretty much anytime LiLo wears a skirt and tries to get out of a car.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 7 It's official—Britney Spears is back! For proof, look no further than tonight's MTV Video Music Awards, where the Britta—looking fit and sexy, and not at all bald or crazy—opened the show, won three awards, enthralled the 15 or so people in the crowd, and... and... zzzzzzzz. Wake us up when she starts talking about getting soused with the dude in the Mickey Mouse suit, okay? MEANWHILE... "Actor Gary Coleman hit a pedestrian with his truck after arguing with him in a bowling alley," reads the Associated Press' first line in their story about... well, you get the idea. It all went down in the bustling metropolis of Payson, Utah, where local yokel Colt Rushton wanted to take some pictures with Coleman, and the diminutive Diff'rent Strokes actor wasn't having any of it. Now, last we heard from Gary Coleman, his former wife was noting that, "He lets his anger conquer him sometimes. He throws things around, and sometimes he throws it in my direction." See, Colt Rushton? If your Mormon newsletter would just hurry up and syndicate One Day at a Time (our reprint rates are very reasonable!), you and the other residents of Payson, Utah, would know that you do not mess with Gary Coleman. Since Rushton only had "minor injuries" (maybe Gary Coleman has a teeny tiny little truck?) neither party was arrested, so expect Coleman's tour of terror to continue. Next up? A slap fight at a miniature golf course outside of Deluth.