MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 8
Okay, first things first: No more mentions of Sarah Palin. It's obvious to everyone that Palin is unfit to be mayor of Alaska's biggest meth-hole, much less the next in line to the presidency. Sarah Palin is that bright, shiny object that Rovian Republicans like to dangle in front of us, knowing all too well that we will spend every last bit of energy chastising her, when we should be focusing on taking down John McCain. So! That being said, WE SHALL NEVER SPEAK OF SARAH PALIN AGAIN... after this little tidbit of news that is so annoying that it makes our head want to pop off. After her wildly popular and factually bereft speech in front of the Republican National Convention last week, Sarah Palin has refused to answer any questions from the media. When she recently flew back to Alaska, all the reporters on board were informed that all Palin flights would be off the record unless they were told otherwise. According to McCain's campaign manager, Rick Davis, Palin is "not scared to answer questions," and will "agree to an interview when we think it's time and when she feels comfortable doing it." FEELS COMFORTABLE DOING IT?!? Ohhhh, then by all means, let's do everything we can to make Princess Palin more comfortable! And I'm sure the world leaders will be happy to wait around too—until Palin feels as "comfortable" as possible. Can we get you a pillow, precious? Can we help you apply your lipstick? (Who knew that "pitbulls" were so sensitive?)
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9
But seriously... that's the absolute LAST word we're saying about Sarah Palin. Wait... what's that? Matt Damon wants to say something about Sarah Palin? OH, FINE. But make it quick; we're trying to run a moratorium here. "I think there's a really good chance Sarah Palin could become president, and I think that's a really scary thing," the dreamy Damon said. "I need to know if she thinks dinosaurs were here (on earth) 4,000 years ago. I really do... because she's gonna have the nuclear codes." Don't worry, Matt! We're sure if Palin believes there were dinosaurs roaming the earth 4,000 years ago, she'll figure out some way to travel back in time and nuke the shit out of them. NO MORE PALIN TALK! MEANWHILE... Hey, who turned up the flame on the relationship between recovering teen idol Lindsay Lohan and her mannish bauble DJ Samantha Ronson? According to a slightly unbelievable report, LiLo wants to raise babies with Sam—but don't panic, Sarah Palin! She intends on marrying Sam first. (No more Sarah Palin mentions... ever.) While scratching/mixing/standing around looking busy behind the turntables at the Chateau Marmont, DJ Sam announced to the crowd in attendance, "By the end of this year, my love will be Mrs. Ronson." At least we hope Sam's talking about Lindsay, and not her mother. Sarah Palin would not approve. (Damn you, bright shiny object! Move away from our field of vision!)
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10
But see... here's the problem. Even when we're not talking about... oh, you know... HER—she keeps insinuating herself back into the conversation! For example at a campaign stop yesterday, Barack Obama was clearly talking about how John McCain's policies were wildly similar to those of President Bush when he said, 'You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig. You can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called change. It's still going to stink after eight years." Today the Republicans jumped on this quote, accusing Obama of sexism and claiming he was calling... you know... that woman... a pig. Now the GOP knows he wasn't calling her pig—but they also know that most Republican supporters have no intention of reading a newspaper, and will happily accept whatever lie (no matter how ridiculous) the McCain Slimebag Machine squirts out. That being said, Sarah Palin is a pig. (Damn it again! Did you know whenever her name is mentioned an angel loses her wings?)
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 11
Today marks what is arguably the anniversary of the worst day in American history... and of course Kanye West has to make it all about him! Kanye and entourage were strolling through Los Angeles International Airport, when they suddenly had their photos viciously taken by skulking paparazzi. Perhaps in honor of the celebrity victims who came before him, Kanye grabbed the photog's $10,000 camera and smashed it to the ground. Security was called, and Kanye (along with his pal) were arrested, spending nearly four hours (!) in jail before finally being released on $20,000 bond. "We back in the lab!" Kanye rejoiced on his blog, talking about his release from jail, and his experience with the photogs. "I'm cool with the paparazzi. This guy wasn't cool. I gotta work now... I'll rant later!" Don't worry, Kanye! We'll be here, holding our breath in anticipation. And just like another 9/11 we could mention, this is a day we shall never forget.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 12
Today John McCain visited The View, no doubt expecting a softball interview... but—and we're just as surprised as you!—those squawking harpies gave McCain a run for his money, hammering him on topics such as abortion and his choice of vice-presidential running mate. (See? Didn't mention her! We're improving!) While one of The View's co-hosts—token Republican Elisabeth Hasselbeck—lapped up McCain's stammering answers and Alzheimer's-induced befuddlement, Barbara Walters, Joy Behar, and Whoopi Goldberg weren't having any of it: Walters refused to accept McCain's non-answers on what Ms. Lipsticky McPitbull could actually do for the country; Whoopi asked if McCain's "strict interpretation" of the constitution meant she'd be returned to slavery; and Behar called out McCain on his "untrue" attack ads. At the end of it all, McCain looked like he was about to keel over. That probably would have been good for the GOP, actually—then they could've ditched the dead weight and run a Palin/Hasselbeck ticket. (Crap. Please don't blame us... we have a disease.)
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 13
Oh, sweet Jesus... it just doesn't stop! Tonight on Saturday Night Live, Tina Fey did a dead-on impression of the Palinator in a viciously funny opening sketch, which paired up Fey's oblivious V.P. wannabe with Amy Poehler's distraught Hillary Clinton. The sketch jabbed at S.P.'s foreign policy experience ("I can see Russia from my house!"), views on global warming ("just God huggin' us closer!"), and all-around horribleness ("What an amazing time we live in! To think that just two years ago, I was a small-town mayor of Alaska's crystal meth capital!"). Side note: Is it really satire when those quotes are so close to the truth?
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 14
Finally! It's the end of the week, and today we've got a truckload of gossip without a single mention of Ms. You-Know-Who! ITEM! Star Trek's George Takei got gay-married today to his longtime partner Brad Altman! "I was fighting back the tears," said Nichelle Nichols, who played Uhura on Star Trek and served as the maid of honor. "But they came oozing out anyway." Um.... Gross. Moving on! ITEM! "We're fucked," former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan told reporters today. Well, not in so many words, but he did admit that the current economy is the worst he's ever seen. Ugh. It's enough to make the tears ooze right out of you. ITEM! Today Lindsay Lohan pulled a "Kanye" and attacked a paparazzi (okay, fine... it was on her MySpace page). "Is our country so divided that the Republicans best hope is a narrow-minded, media-obsessed homophobe?" Lohan asked in a blog post she co-wrote with her not-so-secret man-lady lover, Samantha Ronson. Oh, wait... Sorry. That was Linds going off on... um... sigh... You-Know-Who. Ah, well. Screw it. "I find it quite interesting that a woman who is now running to be second in command of the United States years ago had aspirations to be a television anchor," Lohan continued. "Which is probably all she is qualified to be." Oooh, snap! Jim Lehrer, feel free to step down anytime. The NewsHour with Lindsay Lohan will be airing on PBS stations everywhere this fall.