Today we awoke, read the newspaper, and then calmly got dressed, walked to the bank, and waited in line until we could say to the teller, "GIVE US EVERY FUCKING PENNY OF OUR MONEY NOW!!!" As it turns out there was a wee bit of an economic downturn today when one of Wall Street's most venerable lending houses, Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy. Oh, and then Merrill Lynch also toppled, and was forced to accept a takeover from Bank of America. And then there's that little matter of AIG—one of the world's largest insurers—who was floundering so badly, it took an $85 billion loan from American taxpayers to stay afloat. (Let's get this straight. If we have $85 billion to throw around, then why can't we afford that darling pair of studded Christian Louboutin for Rodarte stilettos?) Regardless, this was not pleasant news for the coke-fueled denizens of Wall Street, who naturally panicked, and ran around like beheaded chickens as the Dow Jones dropped 500 points. Luckily for us, we have a candidate who plans on bringing our battered economy back under control, and that candidate is John McCain! See, John McCain understands that strict corporate regulation is what's needed (even though he's been fighting against it for years), and that bailing out companies is sometimes a necessity (something he used to cry was "corporate socialism"). It's all part of the new-and-improved John McCain, who—unlike that elitist Barack Obama—is just like YOU. (That is, if you own 13 cars and are unsure about how many houses you own.)


So while the economy may be crashing all around us, there's still one constant we can still look to for stability: Lindsay Lohan. ITEM #1: LiLo punches pap in the snoot! While walking into NYC's posh Bowery Hotel, Lindy tripped over a metal barricade, and, thinking a paparazzi was responsible, turned and punched him in the nose. And while talking on her cell phone! Though no longer guzzling bottles of Grey Goose and flashing her va-heena, the girl can still multi-task! ITEM #2: LiLo looks for love shack to share with female man-friend! According to News of the World, Lindsay is purchasing a penthouse in NYC's famed Dakota Building (former home to John Lennon), and will be allegedly cohabitating with Samantha Ronson—Lind's "DJ with benefits." Insiders say she's stocking their nest with "hers-and-hers monogrammed towels, a sitting room with DJ area and glitter ball," plus a "12-foot circular bed with leopard-print headboard." If that doesn't inspire "lesbian bed death," we don't know what will. ITEM #3: LiLo offers to help win Barack the election; Barack says, "Mmmmm... no thanks." According to the Chicago Sun-Times, Lindsay told the Obama camp she would host "a series of events" to help Barack snag younger voters. However, according to a camp source, Lindsay "is not exactly the kind of high-profile star who would be positive for us." ARE YOU KIDDING US? Lindsay can totally bring in the "young Hollyweird lesbo panty-less rehab vote." All three of them!


Yesterday the Yahoo! email account that veep wannabe Sarah Palin stupidly used to conduct official Alaska business was hacked, and screen shots were posted on the internet. While certainly hilarious enough, the laffs got even bigger today when blowhard Fox moderator Bill O'Reilly entered the fray. Incensed by the publication of the emails, he accused the site of "trafficking in stolen merchandise" and called the site owners "despicable, slimy, scummy." As usual, O'Reilly was 100 percent WRONG—a fact pointed out by lawyer Megyn Kelly, who says the First Amendment (freedom of the press) would protect the site. O'Reilly stupidly disagreed. "If your grandma sends you 50 bucks for your birthday," the blowhard opined, "and somebody steals the letter and gives it to somebody else and they take the 50 bucks, they're going to get charged as well as this person who stole the letter." When Kelly informed Bill that taking stolen money and publishing the news isn't quite the same, he yelled, "That's crazy!" "No, it's not crazy," Kelly replied, "because... what if somebody obtained a document illegally that proved some massive conspiracy among the presidential candidates and they leaked it to Fox News, and we knew it was stolen. You don't think we'd put it on the air? You're darn right we would, and it's not illegal." O'Reilly tried to continue the argument, but his bloated head collapsed under the weight of his own hypocrisy.


Hunkalicious actor Brad Pitt has donated $100,000 to help stop the bigots in California who want to overturn the decision to allow same-sex marriages. This inspired us to write a ballot measure that would force Brad to engage in a three-way with George Clooney and ourselves. And no, Angelina is not invited.


"Twenty-seven appendage tentacles up!" raved Emperor Klaktu of Rigel IV after last night's premiere of All My Sons on Broadway, starring Katie Holmes. "One can only hope Katie Holmes has a long and illustrious career on The Great White Way! Also, Emperor Klaktu demands that New York's fussy-footed theater producers produce the musical version of L. Ron Hubbard's Battlefield Earth, with book by Andrew Lloyd Weber and lyrics by yours truly!" MEANWHILE... While Emperor Klaktu was obvs delighted with Holmes' performance, certain protesters weren't. The anti-Scientology group Anonymous protested the All My Sons' premiere, shaking signs that read "Free Katie!", "Run Katie run!", and "Scientology is a cult!" "Balderdash!" Emperor Klaktu responded when informed of the protest. "That's the most ludicrous thing I've heard since the suffrage movement of the slimeslugs of Exetron Prime! Katie Holmes could leave Tom Cruise any time she chooses! Now that she has provided us with Suri—a welcome Cruise heir and fleshvessel for the L. Ron Hubbard symbiote—she's little more than a superfluous husk who can be readily discarded, and... oh... oh dear. I believe I've said too much. Curse you and your damning interview questions, Ann Romano! Curse them with the fury of the thousand suns of the Betazed cluster!"


Fratboy comedian and movie star wannabe Dane Cook is getting evicted. After his landlord got fed up with Cook's refusal to pick up after his dog, he issued an eviction notice—and Cook replied by dragging poor Steve Martin and John Belushi into the mess. Claiming he rents the apartment only because Martin and Belushi used to live in the same complex, an unintentionally hilarious Cook threatens "mental and emotional" damage should he have to move. When reached for comment, The Ghost of John Belushi was not pleased. "Leave me out of your landlord fight, hack," the apparition moaned, while repeatedly trying and failing to pick up a doughnut with his spectral hand. "Little help here, please?"


So now that Britney is on the straight and narrow and Lynne is shilling her tell-all book, the illustrious Spears Legacy is in the capable hands of Brit's little sis—17-year-old mamma Jamie Lynn. Or, should we say, "child pornography star Jamie Lynn." The dish: The father of Jamie Lynn's baby, Casey Aldridge, used his cell phone to snap some pics of Jamie Lynn breastfeeding, and then (you can't make this up, people) "took the camera card to his local Wal-Mart in Louisiana for copies," according to TMZ. Only problem? Someone at Wal-Mart tried to make copies of the pics and sell them, and since Jamie Lynn is a minor... well, suffice to say that "federal and local authorities" are on the case, since the images "could constitute a violation of federal laws prohibiting child pornography." TMZ continues, "Authorities are trying to find the man who is attempting to sell the photos. In addition, we're told Britney's lawyers are thinking about going after Wal-Mart for the alleged security breach." Ah, the Spears family suing Wal-Mart... keep those fingers crossed, One Day fans, and let "the Trial of the Century" begin!