MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 22
In case you missed it, you just lived through one of the most bizarre weeks in politics since George Washington got caught with his wooden teeth stuck in Betsy Ross' corset. And much of it involves John McCain's insane attempts to pull focus away from the shenanigans of VP wannabe Sarah Palin. But fear not, dearest dearies, because we were watching her like a cute and immaculately dressed hawk. Here are just a few of SayPay's hits of the week! ITEM! In a hilariously botched photo-op, Palin was planted next to Afghan President Hamid Karzai. The intent was to bolster Palin's nonexistent foreign policy experience, but that quickly unraveled when reporters were barred from attending or asking questions... probably so they wouldn't hear her saying things like, "So... Afghan, huh? I just love your blankets. And dogs." ITEM! Palin's teeth-grindingly embarrassing interview with CBS anchor Katie Couric this week has gotten many Republicans in a panic—some of whom are even calling on her to step down from the ticket. Kathryn Jean Lopez of the National Review agreed, complaining, "Something's gotta change." Here's an idea: How about kicking her to the curb for Democratic turncoat Joe Lieberman? We certainly have no further use for him. ITEM! The National Enquirer claims to have multiple sources confirming that Sarah Palin has been engaged in an affair with her hubby's former business partner Brad Hanson—who apparently looks disturbingly similar to her husband. Yet another great reason to question her judgment! ITEM! More info has been revealed in regards to Sarah Palin's former church—the Wasilla Assembly of God—and its visiting pastor, Thomas Muthee, who is apparently quite the "witch hunter." Palin once credited Muthee for helping her obtain the governor's seat thanks to his prayers, which included a plea to protect her from "the spirit of witchcraft." In the same sermon Muthee spoke of the importance of God being in the schools, adding, "We will not have our kids being taught to worship Buddha, how to worship Muhammad. We will not have in the curriculum witchcraft and sorcery." Now... we're sorry, but somebody helped put this nobody governor from Alaska in line to be the most powerful woman in the world... and we're pretty sure it wasn't God.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
It was a super gay Tuesday, when three big gay bombshells exploded simultaneously, drenching us all in sweet sticky gayness. John McCain's chief of staff, Mark Buse? GAY! (Don't tell Sarah Palin, you guys! She thinks gays are witches!) Then there's Lindsay Lohan who, on the radio show Loveline, practically admitted she was super-duper gay for man-gal pal DJ Samantha Ronson. However, this could just be an "experimental phase," or what we like to refer to as "our junior year at Brown." And to complete our gay trifecta, American Idol finalist Clay Aiken announced on the cover of People magazine, "Yes, I'm Gay!" to which America responded, "No Shit, Sherlock!"
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
President Bush addressed the nation today to issue a stark and ominous warning: "Our entire economy is in danger." Yeah... didn't he send a similar alarmist message about terrorism when he was trying to convince us to invade Iraq? Well, at least one panicky grandpa believed him: John McCain toddled up to a nearby podium to announce he was suspending his campaign—including canceling campaign speeches, blowing off an appearance on David Letterman, and possibly postponing Friday's debate with Barack Obama—so he could go to Washington, DC, and help negotiate the president's proposed $700 billion bailout plan. "That's just weird," said Senator Chuck Schumer, the chairman of the Senate Banking Committee. "We haven't heard hide nor hair of Senator McCain in these negotiations. He has not been involved except for an occasional unhelpful statement sort of thrown from far away. The last thing we need in these delicate negotiations is an injection of presidential politics." In a related story, we suspended all of Hubby Kip's oral sex privileges until he agreed to fix the garage door so it would open and close properly. In our case, the strategy worked.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
Because he's still too busy saving the nation's economy in Washington (AKA eating a senior-priced meal at the Beltway Denny's while perusing a worn copy of Reader's Digest), John McCain still refused to commit to Friday's debate. However, McCain did take time away—along with Barack Obama, and critical Democratic and Republican leaders—to stage a useless two-hour photo-op, so McCain could give the impression he was doing something... anything... other than being a doddering old p-in-the-a. Senator Chris Dodd—who was also stuck in the meeting—wasn't pleased by what he considered to be a colossal waste of time. "What this looked like to me was a rescue plan for John McCain for two hours and took us away from the work we are trying to do today," Dodd said. "Serious people are trying to do serious work to come up with an answer." News flash! This just in... McCain vows to suspend his work on the $700 billion bank bailout unless Denny's stops making their sausage patties so darn spicy. MEANWHILE... One of the largest banks in the nation, Washington Mutual, collapsed today and saw its assets sold off in bulk. Tick... tick... tick....
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
Though he promised not to debate until a resolution was in sight for the $700 billion bailout plan, John McCain... oh... what did the Republicans used to call it? Ah! "Flip-flopped" and went through with his scheduled debate against Barack Obama. (By the way, if you were missing McCain's pale skin, yellow teeth, and melanoma scars during the debate, you can probably thank Hollywood make-up artist Tifanie White—a make-up veteran of American Idol—who was recently paid over $5,000 to make McCain look slightly less dead.) An estimated 57 million Americans watched the candidates go toe to toe, and according to a USA Today/Gallup poll, 46% said Obama bested McCain, opposed to the Republican's 34%. And while Obama may have misspoken on occasion, McCain told some downright whoppers including his repeated and loudly voiced assertion that Henry Kissinger would never, ever, EVER meet with Iran "without condition." As it turned out, Obama was absolutely right, and McCain now owes him a Coke. Wait... this just in. The McCain Camp called to say "we're still right... even when we're wrong. Why can't you people in the liberal media get that through your heads?" We stand corrected.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
Today one of Hollywood's greatest actors and most charitable human beings passed away; Paul Newman died of lung cancer. For those too young to remember, Newman was kind of like a combo platter of George Clooney and Brad Pitt, starring in a multitude of memorable films while making a Herculean effort to help the world. As of last year, his food company Newman's Own had donated over $220 million to charity. To say the least, he will be missed. MEANWHILE... The male libido fell a record-breaking 900 points today when it was announced that hottie Scarlett Johansson had secretly wed the less-than-deserving Ryan Reynolds. Our own Hubby Kip was too broken up to make a public statement other than to say, "She will be missed."
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
Today candidate John McCain's top strategist Steve Schmidt claimed that the senator is partly responsible for the tentative agreement to push through a $700 billion bailout plan for Wall Street. Almost simultaneously the White House announced they were very pleased with the bailout's progress, and were "confident we'll be able to announce a deal later today."
After all, what could go wrong?