MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
Remember how wonderful yesterday was? Wildly overconfident that the $700 billion bailout plan would pass, Republicans hit the Sunday morning talk circuit crowing about how presidential hopeful John McCain "helped bring all of the parties to the table." Or as McCain backer Mitt Romney bluntly put it, "This bill would not have been agreed to had it not been for John McCain... if people want to get something done in Washington, they just watch John McCain." Oopsy! As it turned out, the bill did not pass, the Dow immediately sank a record 700 points, and John McCain looked like an asshole in desperate need of Preparation H. So! If one is a Republican who suddenly finds himself partially responsible for helping cause near irreparable damage to the country's financial state, the first thing one does is apologize, right? HA! HA! HAAAA! Good one! Nope, one hits the "blame button"! "We could have [gathered the votes needed to pass the bill] had it not been for the partisan speech that the speaker gave on the floor of the house." That was House Republican Leader (AKA Crybaby of the House) John Boehner boo-hooing about House Speaker Nancy Pelosi off-handedly (and correctly) mentioning it was the Bush administration who's largely responsible for our current economic mess. BUT HEY! It wasn't just Pelosi's fault the bill went belly up! You can also blame Barack Obama! And that's exactly what the McCain camp did, via press release: "Barack Obama failed to lead, phoned it in, attacked John McCain, and refused to even say if he supported the final bill. This bill failed because Barack Obama and the Democrats put politics ahead of country." Immediately following this press release, the country responded by putting Obama ahead of McCain... by a whopping seven percentage points in the national polls. Who's to blame for his soaring popularity? We're with the Republicans on this one: We blame Obama!
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
"Dear Sarah Palin: How would you and John McCain help fix our ailing economy?" GOTCHA! Ha! See, that's what we in the homosexual liberal media biz like to call "gotcha journalism." We ask what appears to be a completely legitimate question, but its actual purpose is intended to make Sarah Palin look stupid. Why would we do such an awful thing? GOTCHA again! (You get the idea.) Now, since Palin herself actually attended journalism school, one would think she was already well versed in this interview style (maybe she was too busy competing in beauty pageants). Nevertheless, Palin was on the receiving end of least two "gotchas" this week, including: Name one Supreme Court case other than Roe v. Wade that you disagree with? "Durrrrrr...." GOTCHA! Or an even tougher question: What newspapers and magazines do you read? "Uhhhhhh...." GOTCHA! (To be fair, that last question was kind of personal. Who wants to admit they read Creationism Today, Better Igloo and Gardens, while also having a subscription to Faking a Pregnancy in Order to Raise Your Daughter's Down Syndrome Baby as Your Own Monthly? That wasn't a rhetorical question. GOTCHA!
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1
Attention, nation! Actress Sharon Stone would like everyone to know that she has NEVER suggested that her eight-year-old son should receive Botox treatments for his foot odor. Apparently this accusation was made during a legal hearing where Stone is trying to regain custody of her son—presumably the one with stinky feet. Sooo... Botox doesn't work on foot odor. Good to know. (Note to self: Stop trying to get Hubby Kip to undergo liposuction for the brown stains in his underpants.) MEANWHILE... Just like a stubborn case of genital warts, Britney Spears' former paparazzi boyfriend Adnan Ghalib has resurfaced, and guess what he wants? Surprise! MONEY. The greasy soul-patched pap told Heat magazine that he is in possession of a two-hour sex tape starring Britney and himself, "but I won't discuss prices for hypothetical enquiries." A source claims the X-rated tape features a nude Brit wearing a pink wig and frolicking in Mexico. While Britney and her camp furiously deny the existence of such a tape, at least now we know what to get Hubby Kip for Christmas.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 2
By golly, today Sarah Palin debated that Joe Biden fella, and we'll be gosh-darned if she wasn't as horrible as everyone predicted, don'tcha know! Oh, sure. There were those annoying naysayers and "gotcha" media Jews who thought Sarah would fall flat on her adorable face (especially after those admittedly disastrous interviews with communist lesbian Katie Couric). But in the end, Sarah yanked herself up by her anklestraps, stood right up to "Say it Ain't So" Joe, and ignored every single question that came out of Gwen Ifill's mouth to send a special message to all the American hockey moms and Joe Six-Packs sittin' around their kitchen tables: "The terrorists, god bless their retarded hearts, hate freedom. Therefore Barack Obama hates freedom. And when Putin rears his head, who will be there? Darn it, a couple of mavericky mavericks named John McCain and Sarah Palin. And betcha by gumdrop wow, the two of us are gonna turn those Washington insiders outside in. So in conclusion, Ronald Reagan, freedom, John McCain, good guys, darn it, Israel, maverick, job creation, bump on a log, American ingenuity, John McCain, main street, Christianity, Wasilla, NASCAR, and doggone it all to heck. Oh, yeah... and wink."
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 3
Poor Suri Cruise... or as Star magazine refers to her: "Little Girl Lost." Star is alleging that the friendless, socially awkward Suri is stuck in an "isolated bubble" that's surrounded only by "nannies and maids," and when it comes to play pals, she has 200 stuffed animals that are her only "true companions." "Argh! Nonsense!" Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII responded when asked for comment. "As Suri's godfather, I can assure you that the Cruise heir's psychic powertraining and Romulan language classes keep our little muffin quite entertained, and she's had several playdates with the nonsentient nebulous gas beings of the ninth moon of Xanth." Whew! Feel better everybody!
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 4
Playing into every single stereotype about pornographers, Larry Flynt is hastily producing Nailin' Paylin, an adult film about everyone's least-favorite vice-presidential candidate. Busty brunette pornstar Lisa Ann will be playing Palin, and according to TMZ, Nailin' Paylin will find her dealing with some Russians "who come knocking on her back door," learning about the "'Big Bang' theory" from a college prof, and (sigh) engaging in a three-way with "Hillary and Condoleezza look-alikes." Eww. Now, we aren't bothered by the fact that there's a porno about Palin so much as we're concerned about the one-sidedness of it all. Shouldn't the Democrats have one of these too? Hard as a Barack, maybe? Or at the very least, Ridin' Biden?
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 5
Every year at this time, Disneyland hosts something called "Gay Days," in which thousands of fun-lovin' homosexuals take over the park. However, this year there was just one teensy problem: Possibly because she's a Christian who hates the gays and their unholy proclivities, Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus picked today to have her stupid 16th birthday at Disneyland, meaning the gays were pushed next door, into the terminally boring California Adventure Park. (The gays have "California adventures," like, all the time.) Sure, they put up a good front—the gays even invited Cyrus to come sing for them! But Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck weren't as diplomatic. "To think I washed my best sailor suit!" Donald angrily quacked. Mickey was even less understanding. "Who gives a shit about this Hannah Montana whore?" the furious mouse squeaked while stubbing out his cigarette with a comically large yellow shoe. "This is the only day of the year I get to wear my assless chaps!"