MONDAY, OCTOBER 6
Today the Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped a teeny tiny 370 points. No big deal, right? RIGHT. Sure, it was the first time the Dow closed below 10,000 since 2004, but at least no one is panicking. "We're clearly in the panic zone now," said John Schloegel, VP of investment strategies for Capital Cities Asset Management. "We've tipped over from bear market to panic." Well... okay. But that's the absolute worst news we'll hear all day, right? WRONG! According to the National Enquirer, Britney's li'l sis Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant... AGAIN! But didn't she just have a baby, you may ask? Yes she did! THREE MONTHS AGO. A source close to the hillbilly clan said, "Jamie Lee believed she couldn't get pregnant while she was breast-feeding." Cue the banjo music. But things couldn't get worse, right? WRONG! Plummeting in the polls, the McCain campaign has been getting increasingly desperate, and now seems to be gunning for the "racist and mentally unstable" vote. At a recent rally, McCain asked the crowd, "Who is the real Barack Obama?" to which someone yelled back, "Terrorist!" Likewise, when veep wannabe Sarah Palin informed a crowd that Obama "palled around with terrorists," an audience member responded, "Kill him!" That's the unsurprising result of McCain's new "gloves off" strategy, but are they going to stop? A top McCain strategist admitted, "It's a dangerous road, but we have no choice. If we keep talking about the economic crisis, we're going to lose." Wow. But... but... it couldn't get worse, right? WRONG! Not only did Iceland announce today that it was in danger of going bankrupt (Iceland? Bankrupt?), Britney Spears was involved in yet ANOTHER fender bender with the paparazzi. Thank god for Britney and her family, right? Otherwise America would have zero stability!
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 7
Today the Dow fell another 508 points, landing with a sickening thump at 9,447. MEANWHILE... Tonight's Obama/McCain debate was presented in the "town hall" format—with a few changes. This was more like "Sit-There-and-Shut-Your-Fucking-Mouth Town," population 80 still-undecided voters, presided over by Mayor Tom "Wet Blanket" Brokaw. First of all, living in a town of undecided voters sounds worse than living in Cleveland. Secondly, aren't most town-hall meetings designed to let participants ask more than EIGHT questions? Thirdly, guess which candidate made the biggest b-hole out of himself? That's right... "THAT ONE (John McCain)." Not only was he weirdly hostile to Brokaw, McCain at one point objectified Obama as "that one," and then condescendingly told a young, African American audience member that he "probably never heard of Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac" before the financial crisis. "Well Senator, I actually did," wrote Oliver Clark, the man in question, on his Facebook page following the debate. "I like to think of myself as a fairly intelligent person. I have a bachelor's degree in political science from Tennessee State... a masters degree in legal studies... a few years in law school... and am currently pursuing a master in public administration from the University of Memphis." Hmm... but in defense of McCain, Clark is still an "undecided voter"—so how smart can he really be?
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 8
Today the Dow belly-flopped again—but it only fell 189 points to 9,258! WHOOO! LET'S PARTY! MEANWHILE... Remember how American taxpayers loaned insurers AIG a whopping $85 billion to stave off collapse? Well, you'll be interested to know that your money is being well spent—by AIG upper management who just paid half a million of your dollars for an executive retreat to California's posh St. Regis resort, spa, and golf course. Sure, you're infuriated. But what you don't understand is that it's practically impossible to deal with the daily stresses of a gigantic floundering corporation when your penis isn't inserted into a whore's vagina.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 9
Yesterday's celebration was cut short today, when the Dow took a particularly nasty tumble, dive-bombing nearly 700 points, before bursting into flames at 8,579. MEANWHILE... The aged creator of Playboy, Hugh Hefner, and one of his many blonde bimbettes, Holly Madison, are officially splitsville. Though admittedly brokenhearted, Hef has already replaced Madison with Kristina and Karissa Shannon, two 19-year-old twins. Reached for comment, Hubby Kip said, "If you need me, I'll be in the shed blowing my brains out."
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 10
Today the Dow only fell 128 points to 8,451. America was too numb to celebrate. MEANWHILE... "Sarah Palin unlawfully abused her power as governor by trying to have her former brother-in-law fired as a state trooper, the chief investigator of an Alaska legislative panel concluded," the Associated Press reported today, adding that Palin violated "a state ethics law that prohibits public officials from using their office for personal gain." Long story short, Palin fired Public Safety Commissioner Walter Monegan when he "resisted pressure to fire a state trooper involved in a bitter divorce and custody battle with the governor's sister." Two morals, here: (A) Palin somehow found a way to abuse power even in the least powerful state in the nation, and (B) never mess with a hockey mom's sister! MEANWHILE... At a Minnesota town meeting today, John McCain supporters booed their candidate when he admitted, "I admire Senator Obama and his accomplishments." When a frightened redneck told McCain he was "scared of an Obama presidency," McCain comforted him. "[Obama] is a decent person," the Republican said, "a person that you do not have to be scared [of] as president of the United States." (Cue more furious booing.) And when a bewildered old woman insisted Obama was "an Arab," McCain corrected her: "No, ma'am. He is a decent family man with whom I happen to have some disagreements." Thanks for sticking up for Obama, John—but just so you know, Arabs can be "decent family men," too. (SHEESH!) In related OMFG news: At a Johnstown, Pennsylvania, rally for Palin, a doddering, grinning old racist proudly displayed a Curious George doll with an Obama bumper sticker wrapped around its head. You stay classy, Republicans.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 11
Things finally started looking up for the McCain/Palin ticket when Sarah Palin dropped the ceremonial first puck at tonight's Philadelphia Flyers game and the crowd went wild! Oh, wait—that should read, "the crowd went wild with booing." (The New York Times described the jeers as "almost deafening," while Wonkette likened it to a "SONIC WALL of booing.") If that wasn't enough, even Saturday Night Live's Palin impersonator, Tina Fey, is getting up in Palin's business. "If she wins, I'm done," Fey told TV Guide. "I can't do that for four years. And by 'I'm done,' I mean I'm leaving Earth." But hey, keep your spirits up, Sarah! Who needs hockey fans or comedians when you've got bigoted old coots with Curious George dolls?
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 12
UGH. Politics. We are so done with them for this week. Let's get back to gossip! FIRST! Natalie Portman visits sick kids! Says Star, "According to a source, [Portman] volunteers about three times a week at Children's Hospital Los Angeles to cuddle sick kids." Awww. That makes us feel all warm and fuzzy ... or rather it would, if ever since he heard the news, Hubby Kip hadn't been fake coughing and staying home "sick" while desperately emailing Natalie, even though his temperature is PERFECTLY NORMAL. SECOND! While her little sis carries on the family tradition of getting knocked up, former celeb train-wreck Britney Spears continues to get all reflective, telling MTV, "I sit there and I look back [at the last two years of my life] and I'm like, 'I'm a smart person. What the hell was I thinking?'" Well... we're not sure. But here's what WE'RE thinking: Can you please bring back "crazy Britney"? America's gossip columnists need you! (You can start by hitting that Natalie Portman hussy with an umbrella—and whack a couple of those dying kids, too, while you're at it.)