MONDAY, OCTOBER 13 Politics! High gas prices! The economy! If you're anything like us, you're probably beginning to wonder: Where has all the salacious Hollyweird gossip gone? Happily for all, Tinselturd came roaring back this week with a slate of high-profile hookups, screamfests, and tearful wrecked marriages. Ahhhh... sweet sweet gossip, it's so good to have you back. ITEM! Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer back together? The horse-faced actress and her horse-hung former stallion were spotted canoodling and sharing a bucket of oats this past weekend, giving fans of equine metaphors a revived reason to celebrate. Naturally, Jen is reportedly still nag, nag, nagging John to impregnate her, while hot-to-trot John still says, "Neighhhh!" Whatever happens, you won't hear a whinny out of us! ITEM! After months of Botox-faced lies, pop cougar Madonna and hubby/director Guy Ritchie have announced what the rest of us have known forever: They are officially SPLITSVILLE. According to reports, this split is shaping up to be the most expensive divorce in British history, as the marriage has lasted nearly eight years, the combined worth of the couple is $525 million, and there's no prenup in sight. But who cares about money? We wanna see the NASTY, right? This week her Madg-esty reportedly called Ritchie "emotionally retarded" during a concert, after he allegedly told her "she looked like a granny" compared to the younger backup singers. Her lawyers are saying that Ritchie's comments made Madonna feel "worthless, unattractive, unfeminine, insecure, and isolated." Awww... sounds like Granny needs a sedative in her applesauce.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 14 Don't panic! Tom Cruise did NOT fling himself off the Kauri Cliffs in New Zealand, and fall to his death. Though widely reported on the internet today, the rumor was quickly debunked by Tom's publicists, and Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. "Poppycock!" roared Klaktu, who was so upset over the rumor that he was unable to finish his bowl of Thorny Thalgarian Blood-Plums. "This is why I hate the humans' internet! Just last month a web blogger accused me of copulating with one of the male leads of Gossip Girl—which is a complete and utter fabrication. While it's true I embraced him with my tentacles, I was merely lulling him into a sub-sleep trance in order to more effectively remove his entrails." ITEM! If Madonna and Guy Ritchie weren't enough, today B-list Hollyweird power couple David Duchovny and Téa Leoni have also called it quits. And while you may assume the split came courtesy of Duchovny's reported sex addiction, the juicy internet rumor of the day says that Téa was caught sending sexy text messages and engaging in a torrid affair with... get ready to gag... Billy Bob Thornton! Eww! Eww! Ewwwwwww! Thornton's reps are denying this disgusting pairing... but denials don't remove the taste of vomit from one's mouth, do they?
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15 Congratulations to local gal made good (and former Mercury designer) Leanne Marshall who won the grand prize on this season's Project Runway! Leanne's designs at New York Fashion Week were not only amazingly exquisite, half of her line was made from sustainable materials. (Tres Portlandesque!) Plus we're really glad she beat Kenley, who was a total beaver. Congrats again, Leanne! MEANWHILE... In another reality competition held tonight, Barack "Dreamboat" Obama handily defeated John "King of the Troll Folk" McCain in the third and final presidential debate. In a post-debate CBS poll, Obama was declared the winner 53 percent to McCain's 22 percent. Worse still for McCain, his "favorable" rating dropped from 51 to 49 percent, and his unfavorable rating rose from 45 to 49 percent. Two things that didn't help? "Joe the Plumber" (more on him later), and putting air quotes around "women's health" when McCain was talking about abortion—because as we all know, "rape" and "death" are just so easy to fake. We'll be sure to remember your callousness, John, if your so-called "skin cancer" returns and turns out to be "malignant."
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 16 Today it was revealed that McCain's newest conservative poster boy, "Joe the Plumber" isn't even an actual licensed plumber. Next they'll be telling us that Lindsay Lohan isn't a licensed homosexual!
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 17 What's that? You want the Lohan? Fine! We'll give you the Lohan! LOHAN UPDATE #1! LiLo—whom you might remember once called Sarah Palin a "narrow-minded, media-obsessed homophobe"—will be dressing up as (surprise!) Palin for Halloween, according to WENN News. Lohan's unofficial life partner, Samantha Ronson, will dress up as Sarah's husband, Todd. All together now: Awwww. LOHAN UPDATE #2! Cancel the Halloween party—Sam's feeling "smothered" by Linds, claims The Daily Mail! UPDATE #3! Never mind! Everything's fantastic, and Sam proposed to LiLo! Brit tabs claim Ronson popped the question on vacay in Cabo San Lucas, giving Linds a Cartier ring while the couple was having a beachfront dinner, drinking Cristal, and listening to "a group of Mexican singers." (So that's where Menudo's been!) In related news, our memory of sitting in the parking lot at Planned Parenthood while Hubby Kip grudgingly asked if we "wanted to get hitched" suddenly seems significantly less magical. LOHAN UPDATE #4! CRISIS! Page Six reports that Linds and Sam recently "had a quiet fight" on a train ride, with a "whining" Lohan telling Ronson, "Don't (bleeping) lie to me!" LOHAN UPDATE #5! That is all we have this week. Thank Christ.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 18 This season, Saturday Night Live has been on a winning streak—largely thanks to Tina Fey's impression of Sarah Palin. In fact, there've been a few times when SNL has seemed like the only show to acknowledge how hilarious and effed up it is for Palin to have any sort of power. That all changed tonight, when Palin actually visited SNL, and the writers and cast happily rolled over in Palin's presence—more or less making themselves look like flip-floppers who didn't really mean all the mean stuff they've been saying about her. (At least they benefited from their willingness to sell out—tonight's episode was the highest rated SNL in 14 years.) On the show, Palin complained to producer Lorne Michaels that a Fey sketch about her wasn't "a realistic depiction," bobbed her head while Amy Poehler performed a Palin-centric rap, and patiently stood there while a cameoing Alec Baldwin—who seemed to be the only person not starstruck—called her a "horrible woman" who "goes against everything we stand for." He also referred to her as "Caribou Barbie" before grudgingly admitting, "You are way hotter in person." Aww, Alec! When you aren't calling your daughter a "thoughtless little pig," you're our favorite.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 19 "I think we need a generational change," former Secretary of State (and longtime friend of John McCain) Colin Powell said today as he endorsed Barack Obama—putting one more nail in the coffin for McCain's fumbling campaign. The news came as the Obama's camp announced they received a record-shattering $150 million in donations last month (BANG, BANG, BANG—that was the sound of another nail!) and as Christopher Buckley, son of famed conservative William F. Buckley Jr., endorsed Obama earlier this week (BANG, BANG, BANG). After Buckley's endorsement, his employer, the National Review—the magazine founded by his father-- accepted Buckley's resignation. Buckley wrote afterward, "While I regret this development, I am not in mourning, for I no longer have any clear idea what, exactly, the modern conservative moment stands for." BANG, BANG, BANG. MEANWHILE... Famed fashion critic Mr. Blackwell died today at age 86, and his jabs at atrociously dressed celebs will be sorely missed. Blackwell was the genius who dubbed Madonna "The Bare-Bottomed Bore of Babylon," noted that Meryl Streep looks "like a gypsy abandoned by a caravan," and characterized Sharon Stone as "An over-the-hill Cruella de Vil." R.I.P., Mr. Blackwell. You've taught us well.