MONDAY, OCTOBER 27 As you read this, the world is a much different place. You are either celebrating, commiserating, or lying comatose in your bed because it's after November 4 and the election is still undecided. BUT AT LEAST YOU KNOW SOMETHING. We're still over a week away from the election, and all we can do is obsess over polls and watch four hours of MSNBC a night. Fashion magazines? Haven't picked up one in weeks! Shoe shopping? We'd rather listen to Rachel Maddow's podcast. In fact, we might've lost total interest in our sweet, beautiful little gossip, were it not for Britney Spears making everything right again. As you've undoubtedly heard, Britney is "back" from her awe-inspiring booze and hair-snipping spiral of last year, and is looking better than ever. ("Especially her nudie scene in that 'Womanizer' video," Hubby Kip would like us to add. Down, boy.) Therefore, considering Brit's remarkable comeback, don'tcha think it's about time for hillbilly pop Jamie Spears to loosen the reins, and stop managing her affairs? Apparently not, because E! News reports that a court has granted Papa Spears "permanent conservatorship" over the blonde bombshell's business and personal life. And even more shockingly, SHE AGREED! Family law specialist Alexander Leichter opined that "permanent" status was applied because "the condition that apparently caused temporary conservatorship did not change." Or as Hubby Kip put it, "She may have a wicked smokin' bod, but that doesn't make her any less cuckoo. Trust me, I've got a lot of experience with... ohhhhhh... never mind."
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 28 Speaking of people who are in serious danger of DIVORCE, pop cougar Madonna and hubby/director Guy Ritchie are working on a split of monumental proportion! Last week Us Weekly revealed that Mr. and Mrs. Bickerson have been lobbing a hilarious volley of bitchy, snipey comments at each other. First Madge called Guy "emotionally retarded." Guy responded by calling her a "grandma." Madge fired back that she should've married someone "strong, hot-blooded, intelligent, ambitious, spiritual." Guy maturely answered that she was "old, fat, ugly, and wrinkled... stupid... and couldn't sing." (Hold on, Guy! We're pretty sure plastic surgery got rid of those wrinkles!) Regardless, things have gotten hotter this week according to The Sun, which reported that at one point Miss M tried to control Guy with a "marriage contract"—a document that ordered the p-whipped hubby to "work on enriching her emotional and spiritual wellbeing" as well as spend hours studying Kabbalah texts. The contract also insisted the two should "devote time to our sexual expressiveness" (doesn't sound sexy to us) and to "not use sex as a stick to beat one another" (sounds sexy to us). And whenever Guy allegedly strayed from the rules? Madge would reprimand him by saying, "Contract, Guy, contract." According to a family friend, "Guy felt bound up like a kipper." Madonna responded to the charge saying, "Actually he's not... but I'll add it to the contract."
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 29 It's less than a week until the election, and Obama's not the only person who has a great career ahead of them. There's also Republican mascots Joe the Plumber and Sarah Palin—both of whom are looking forward to post-election notoriety. According to the AP, Samuel Wurzelbacher (AKA "Joe the Plumber") has enlisted the aid of a publicity team who will help him navigate the landslide of interview and appearance requests, and an upcoming book deal as well. Joe's new publicist Jim Della Croce predicts that big things are ahead for the plumber who's not really a plumber: "Never in 25 years have I seen this level of interest in a celebrity." (Not a surprising response, considering Della Croce's biggest client is rocker Eddie Money.) MEANWHILE... Even though top McCain advisers are looking to lay the blame for their crumbling campaign at Sarah Palin's doorstep (going so far as to call her a "wackjob"), this is one lipsticked pit bull you'll be seeing in the future! Like in... oh, we don't know... maybe 2012? When asked about a potential run in the next election cycle, Palin responded, "I think if I were to give up and wave a little white flag of surrender against some of the political shots that we've taken... I'm not doing this for naught." Well, that's certainly Sarah's choice, and if she's really thinking of taking Obama on in 2012, we have only one word of advice: college.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 30 Apparently Lindsay Lohan isn't as lesborific as we thought: According to The Sun, LL's pals say she's recently began denying her lesbian status, and has even hinted that if she and current tomboy toy Samantha Ronson split, she'll go back to dating men. Reached for response, the men of the world said, "Ummm... no thanks. We like you better as a lesbian. Ooh! Could you date Megan Fox?"
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 31 Today's the day when kids go trick or treating, hussies dress up as "sexy nurses," "sexy police officers," and "sexy welfare case agents," and The Ghost of Heath Ledger hovers over the bed of Jake Gyllenhaal. (Too soon?) But nobody exemplifies the spirit of Halloween like Detroit suburbanite Shirley Nagel, who refused to give kids candy unless they supported John McCain. Nagel (who was either dressed up as a witch or just looks like that normally) posted a hand-written sign on her door that read, "No handouts for Obama supporters, liars, tricksters, or kids of supporters." Kids cried, parents complained, and Americans, once again, looked like idiots who don't know how to participate in grown-up democracy. MEANWHILE... In the revered Halloween tradition, today a bunch of celebs made asses of themselves by dressing up! Roll call! Al Roker? The Gingerbread Man! Mariah Carey? Sexy firefighter! Kelly Ripa? Sarah Palin! Martha Stewart? Medusa! (No, seriously.) Elisabeth Hasselbeck? Ronald Reagan! (Shocking.) Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale? An egg and some bacon! (Wha...?) And as for our costume? Well, "sexy gossip columnist," of course. And yes, dears, we do dress like that every day—but when Hubby Kip decides to answer the door dressed as Dr. Who and then explain in excruciating detail to everyone who rings the doorbell who Dr. Who is... well, sometimes it's best to be understated with these things.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 1 We never, ever, never thought we'd say it, but we agree with Bill O'Reilly on something. Namely, that helium-voiced Saturday Night Live alum Victoria Jackson is an idiot. "I think Obama is a communist," Jackson screeched today on Fox News, backing up her claims with research like, "I've read the book 1984—by George Orwell—twice." Noting that Obama reminded her of Saddam Hussein, she also likened him to "Castro in Cuba, or the guy in China." O'Reilly, in a rare moment of common sense, countered, "He seems to be a capitalist in the sense that he earns money, he buys things, he buys into our system here. Do you really believe he's going to employ Castro-like policies if he's in the White House?" "The liberals are controlling all of the TV channels!" Jackson squawked in panic. "Not this one," O'Reilly said, cutting her off.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 2 Republicans have been whining for ages that Barack Obama has been getting more favorable press coverage than McCain, and—gasp!—it turns out they may have been right, at least according to the Center for Media and Public Affairs. Robert Lichter, the head of the nonpartisan center, noted, "For whatever reason, the media are portraying Barack Obama as a better choice for president than John McCain." Well, Bob, we'll assume by "the media" you mean "sexy gossip columnists," and we'll tell you exactly why we've been giving our readers that impression. First, because Barack Obama is a better choice for president. Second, because we want to have his babies.