MONDAY, NOVEMBER 3 OMG, is it over yet? As Election Day loomed, Barack "Dreamboat" Obama and John "Creepy Old Man" McCain launched their final assaults for the presidency. Actually, let's clarify: Obama was restrained and confident, telling Florida voters, "I have just one word for you, Florida: tomorrow." McCain, on the other hand, spazzed out like he hasn't since the last time Cindy forgot to pick up Werther's at the store. In a last-ditch, last-minute attempt at a comeback, McCain desperately visited seven states in 22 hours. "The pundits may not know it, and the Democrats may not know it, but 'The Mac' is back!" he told supporters, who briefly wondered what the hell he was talking about before Cindy fed him a Werther's, calming him back down. MEANWHILE... Break out the tissues: Barack Obama's grandmother, Madelyn Payne Dunham, died yesterday in her Hawaii home, unable to see the outcome of her grandson's bid for the presidency. But her vote—which she submitted via mail last week because of her health problems—was, thankfully, counted. MEANWHILE... Okay, happy news again! At long last, One Day at a Time Political Correspondent Lindsay Lohan has once again weighed in on current events! "Vote tomorrow," she wrote in a pro-Obama blog post. "The future of our country depends on it." Just to make sure she got her point across, Linds added a "PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and a ":)". Take that, Walter Cronkite.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 4 Oh, thank Christ. Today Barack Obama won the election—and in doing so, restored our faith in humanity, brought an end to a campaign that's lasted approximately 1,143 years, and became the 44th president of the United States. Here's what a big deal this was: People danced in the streets. Literally. And not just in America, either, but all over the world. After Obama's inspirational victory speech (and McCain's surprisingly lucid and graceful concession speech), many people checked themselves into hospitals, panicked and frightened of the strange sensations they were feeling. As doctors informed them it was merely "euphoria" and "patriotism," Americans shook their heads in confusion, realizing they had felt these sensations before—just not for a very, very long time. MEANWHILE... Because California always ruins EVERYTHING, 52 percent of Californians voted to deny gay and lesbian Californians the right to marry. In doing so, they put the fate of an estimated 18,000 married couples into question. Hey, 52 percent of Californians? Next time your state gets ravaged by earthquakes or catches on fire? Call somebody else to help. MEANWHILE... When asked by reporters what he thought of Obama's victory, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII was decidedly nonplussed. "To tell you humanoids the truth, I haven't been paying that much attention," Klaktu remarked, casually stroking his Galbordian slime-spider. "After all, your pitiable 'presidents' will all cower and fall under the vicious rule of Dark Empress Suri soon enough." Using his ninth tentacle to stifle his screeching yawn, Klaktu added, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some Ghost Whisperer to catch up on."
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 5 "It will be a stirring sight to see President Obama, his wife Michelle, and their beautiful girls step through the doors of the White House," President Bush said today, telling the truth for the first time in nearly a decade. Bush also promised "complete cooperation" in the transition of power. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out, George. MEANWHILE... Michael Crichton, the creator of E.R. and the author of The Andromeda Strain, Sphere, and Jurassic Park, unexpectedly died of cancer today. Bereaved fans can rest assured, however, that somewhere, there's a mosquito that once bit Crichton, and as soon as said mosquito is preserved in amber, we need only wait until an eccentric billionaire buys a Costa Rican island, builds an elaborate laboratory, splices Crichton's DNA with that of a frog, and sets up some sort of super-safe, foolproof theme park. When that day comes, there shall once again be a limitless supply of paperback science-fiction novels on Safeway's shelves.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 6 Now that the election is over, let the desperate infighting commence! With the GOP in shambles, stories from disgruntled Republican insiders have started to leak out, detailing just how bad things were for conservatives! Examples? Of course! FIRST! McCain's advisors realized on the night of the final presidential debate that McCain would undoubtedly lose—but they decided not to tell McCain! AND! According to Fox News' Carl Cameron, vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin "didn't understand that Africa was a continent." AND! Palin spent over $150,000 on clothes for her and her husband, sometimes having "low-level staffers" pay for the shopping sprees on their credit cards! AND! McCain "rarely" spoke to Palin during the campaign, and while Palin asked to speak on election night, her request was vetoed. Hoooo boy! MEANWHILE... Unfortunately, gossip also leaked out about Obama's campaign—unfortunately for us, that is, because now we're even more smitten with him! Example? Of course! When preparing for the primary debates, Obama said, "I often find myself trapped by [debate] questions.... So when Brian Williams is asking me, 'What's a personal thing that you've done [to help the environment]?', and I say, you know, 'Well, I planted a bunch of trees.' And he says, 'I'm talking about personal.' What I'm thinking in my head is, 'Well, the truth is, Brian, we can't solve global warming because I fucking changed light bulbs in my house. It's because of something collective.'" Swoon.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 7 Oooookay. We are 100 percent out of election news! For proof, we offer this final tidbit: On election night, Oprah had to use a port-a-potty for the first time! According to the World Entertainment News Network, "Winfrey was so determined not to miss a word" during Obama's victory speech that she "kept her legs crossed and dashed for a port-a-potty as the new president left the stage." "In all these years, at every event, I've said 'No, I'm not going to do the port-a-potty,'" Oprah said. "But [this time], I said I better use it." Thanks, Oprah. MOVING ON... Attention ladies! Danny Bonaduce is officially divorced! The former child star and current annoying radio host will pay $16,000 a month in spousal and child support to his ex-wi—WAIT. What? Danny Bonaduce is somehow rich enough to spend $16,000 a month in child support? And now he's prepping a reality show called (ugh) The Next Mrs. Bonaduce? Say, remember that thing we said on Tuesday about our faith in humanity being restored? Ah, well. It was nice while it lasted.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 8 "There's sort of a rumor going around that I'm maybe thinking about running to be governor of New Mexico? Well, it's sort of true," long-forgotten movie star Val Kilmer doofily admitted to New York Post gossip columnist Cindy Adams. Naturally, Kilmer chose to announce his "sort of" candidacy via a phone call from Bulgaria(?!), where he claims to be making a new movie. Kilmer added that if he does run, he'll approach it "as a worthy, serious endeavor." Fair enough, Val! Now, stop talking before you let it slip that you've crammed yourself back into your old batsuit and that you're watching your Top Gun scenes on repeat. And next time, dear? Whenever you want to make a ridiculous, delusional political announcement? You call us, honey. Us.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 9 Today Britney Spears' two-year-old son, Jayden James, was rushed to a Mississippi hospital after he became "vague and unresponsive," probably due to eating something he shouldn't have. (That's code for "15 pounds of Cheetos.") Thankfully, Jayden is fine, though this really doesn't reflect too well on Brit—who was, natch, taking her children on the first family vacation she's been allowed to go on since her ex-hubby Kevin Federline won custody of their sons. Oh, Brit! Here we are on the cusp of a new age, our future glowing brightly ahead of us—and there you are, happily reminding us that the more things change, the more they stay the same.