Meet little Andy Marshall. He's eight years old, and under the mistaken impression he can get away with criminal behavior. HA! Not on our watch! Normally a third-grade student at Clark Elementary, Andy enrolled in the Multnomah County Library's Reading Ranger After-School Reading Program. That's admirable--right? Wrong, asshole! Andy is just one of tens of students who are claiming to read the program's required 20 books per month, when in fact, he hasn't even read one!

Here's the scam: For every 20 books read, the Multnomah Library System presents the recipient with a Butterfinger candy bar and a ribbon proclaiming the wearer as a member of the "Library Reading Rangers." However, no one is even CHECKING to see if these little fucking liars are reading the books! Meanwhile, peewee perpetrators like Andy Marshall are marching around impersonating a "Reading Ranger" and cramming Butterfingers down their pieholes!

Want proof? You got it, dickwipe. The WW called Andy Marshall's house at dinnertime yesterday, and when we asked him to repeat the plot of the book he supposedly read (Charlotte's Web), he said it was about a spider! WRONG, AL CAPONE! It's about a PIG, and that makes Andy Marshall a goddamn liar.

On behalf of all the honest members of the Reading Rangers, SHAME ON YOU, Andy Marshall. We hope you rot in hell, you miserable little prick.