Thank you for addressing this subject in your column! I just ordered sex at dawn and am looking forward to reading something that helps me understand why i really dont want to be monogamous anymore. I find it very interesting that you describe the process of acknowledging ones sexuality as resembling the depth of self exploration of a gay person coming out. I need to acknowledge the reality of who I am and finally be fully honest with my spouse, but its so difficult to do, because it could mean the end of our marriage.

after many years of faithful marriage (We have children), me and an old, dear friend with a mutual attraction approached our spouses months ago to ask about a little switcharoo, and the rain of indignation and guilt is still going on. our partners are very threatened by even the thought of this, and we havent acted on it, but I want to. when we're together, he tells me how he wants me, but he wont ever, ever cheat on his wife.

there is a cost to honesty, and hurt that you cause someone by telling them you dont want exclusivity. all my husband can see is that i am telling him he's not good enough.
how do I make him feel ok about this? I love him, and we still enjoy sex together frequently, but sometimes i really have to fantasize to get hot.

so, are you speaking as one in the trap or out of it? i am sensing a bit of a judgmental attitude here- did i get that right? might you grace the comment section with something helpful or insightful to share?