Joe Newton
Your response to Sick and Tired of Being Used, who complained about women who accept his "friendly back rubs" but aren't interested in sex, was not, in my opinion, the best possible answer. Mind if I give it a shot?Dear SATOBU: What is your problem? You CLAIM to enjoy giving a half-naked girl a massage, yet your attitude (getting up and walking away when she told you that she wasn't interested in having sex) guarantees that you won't get many opportunities. Refusing to partake in something pleasurable because you've been forewarned that it's not going to become a great deal more pleasurable is DUMB! Further, it's jackasses like you who cause many women to refuse friendly back rubs from the rest of us. Thanks a lot, guy!

Why do some women take off their shirts and bras for a "friendly back rub" if they don't want sex? Maybe they know that a back rub is more effective (and more fun for the person giving it) if they get the shirt and bra out of the way. Or maybe they figure you'll enjoy seeing them partly undressed, and consider that fair payback for the back rub. Or maybe, like Dan suggested, this is a test, and if you demonstrate that you are serious about giving a "friendly back rub," no strings attached, they might be interested in doing more at some other time. A test you definitely fail by getting bent out of shape.

Older and Wiser in St. Louis

Thanks for sharing, OAWISL, but I stand by my original advice: Men should only give back rubs to women they're already having sex with, and vice versa. And I also believe that back rubs should be outsourced as soon as possible, i.e., you're better off hiring a professional masseuse to rub your lover's back. Pros give better massages, and unlike our needy lovers, pros don't expect you to give them massages in return.


Offering a back rub doesn't necessarily mean I or any other guy in my dorm wants to fuck a girl. I know this because I've given back rubs to girls I'd never fuck. Ya know what I do when I want to fuck a girl? I ask. Asking actually works. As for Sick and Tired of Being Used, he has to realize that when a girl takes her top off during a massage and says she doesn't want to screw, she's either fucking with him or just comfortable with herself. Either way, the correct response in that situation is for him to say, "No sex, fine. But as long as your top is off, why don't you flip over and let me give you a chest massage."

Seth Jamieson

P.S. Write my real name if you publish this. And don't fuck with my words. This is important to me. I'm gonna be a writer, a good one.

Here's your letter, Seth, although I had to fuck with your words. I edited for clarity, corrected your spelling, and trimmed for length. Real writers, as opposed to wannabes, know that editing makes your work better. So if being a good writer is important to you, Seth, you're going to have to get over this don't-fuck-with-my-words crap. FYI.


In the early '90s in Aspen, a waitress I worked with suggested that we go out for sushi. Afterward, we go back to my place. She asks me to give her a massage. I start to get hopeful. I know she has a boyfriend, but if SHE doesn't care, I don't. I get pretty turned on after a while, and gently kiss her. She does not kiss me back. I think, "Hmmmm perhaps not." I continue the massage. Afterward, I offer her my double bed. I will happily take the sofa. She says, "No, I will feel guilty," so then I say, "Okay, you sleep on the sofa and I will take the bed." She responds, "I don't sleep well on sofas. We should share the bed." Now I am thinking, "She IS coming on to me." Lights out. I start to kiss her. She still does not kiss back. I give up and fall asleep. In the morning I am horny as hell after spending the night next to a good-looking woman in a bed where we can't avoid bodily contact. I tell her I want to make love to her. She whispers, "No."

What the hell do you think was going on?

Feeling Blue

You were being used, FB, although I can't tell you exactly why. Perhaps she wanted to be with another man without actually cheating on her boyfriend, or maybe she's one of those women who enjoys getting a guy all worked up. Who knows? But even if you didn't realize you were being used, FB, you had to be aware that this girl was sending you some rather mixed signals. The best course of action when someone sends mixed signals is to ask for clarification. Had you said, "I want to make love to you, my sweet server," or even, "What the hell is going on here?" before, during, or after that back rub AND NOT THE NEXT MORNING, you would've found out the answer was "no" or "nothing" a lot sooner. Then you could've avoided a frustrating night of physical contact with a woman who had no intention of fucking you, either by sleeping on the couch or kicking her ass to the curb.


Your advice to the college boy about "friendly" back rubs was perfect! I remember being the recipient of friendly back rubs in my late teens/early 20s and feeling very uncomfortable. I could never think of a way to refuse friendly back rubs without the guy calling me an uptight bitch. I never mentioned this to any of my girlfriends because I thought it would sound paranoid--after all, he's just being "friendly," right? It never occurred to me at that age that being liked by manipulative guys should have been a low priority for me. I truly think your advice will be very helpful to college-age girls in the same awkward situation. Thank you!

Big Fan o' Dan

P.S. What do you bet a college boy would NEVER offer a "friendly" back rub to a married woman?

I bet a lot of creepy college boys would offer friendly back rubs to married women--provided the married women seemed like the types who might be interested in cheating on their husbands. A better "friendly back rub" debunking bet, BFOD, would be this: I'll bet you that not one creepy college boy out there has ever--and I mean EVER--offered a "friendly back rub" to one of his actual friends, i.e., another straight college boy. Enough with the back rubs, let's talk about dirty panties.


Your advice to "Mail-Order Slut," the woman who wanted to mail her panties to an e-lover, wasn't exactly on target. You and your guest expert, Van, recommend 100% cotton "in order to absorb [her] scent," and that she work out in her underwear before shipping. Dan, MOS is a woman! Women's panties come with a cotton strip on the inside to absorb any discharge. This is the wonderful smell we guys desire, and since most women discharge throughout the day, it's not necessary for MOS to work out in her panties before shipping them.

Used Panty Sniffer

Right you are, UPS. My how-to-ship-dirty-undies guest expert, professional sex-bomb Van (www.vanhotman.com), is a homo, and not as up on women's underwear as a straight guy might be. Thanks for sharing.

letters@savagelove.net