Joe Newton

I am a 30-year-old male, married to a woman for five years. Our sex life is average, with sessions typically including a little oral and mutual fondling, followed by missionary-position intercourse. My wife has requested a spanking from time to time, which I have reluctantly given her. Recently on our shared credit card bill I noticed a weird charge. I called the credit card company and they informed me it was for an adult website. When I looked at the website, it was all about rape. I was horrified. My wife has mentioned fleeting fantasies about being raped, which I dismissed because I can't even think about it. To me this is disgusting, nonsexual behavior. I am even afraid to mention to her that I know she's been looking at this stuff. Is this what she really wants?

--Can't Rape the Wife

Is this what your wife really wants? I don't know, let's review the evidence: She's asked you to spank her, she's told you she fantasizes about rape, she's downloaded rape-fantasy porn from pay websites. You know what, Perry Mason? IT'S WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. There's probably a good reason why your little-oral/mutual-fondling/missionary-position sex life isn't exactly burning holes in your sheets. I suspect that your wife, having spent the last five years dropping hints, is in some despair over whether you, her lover, will ever help her realize these fantasies. Not only is she bored with her sex life, she's probably come to resent your inability to take the fucking hint already.

For the sake of your marriage you're going to have to drop the sensitive-New-Age-guy crap ("My goodness, I couldn't!") and come through every once in a while with an enthusiastic spanking and some rough sex. Rape fantasies are not uncommon, and so long as everyone involved has given their consent, it's not violence. It's cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians. It's play. And it's love, too, if you're doing something for your wife that makes her happy.

It's no accident that she paid that fee with your shared credit card. Your wife wanted you to find that charge, and find your way to the website; it was one more goddamn hint. Now it's time to ask your wife to share her fantasies with you. Don't make faces, don't judge, and don't tell her she's disgusting. Just listen. Then promise her you'll do what you can to make her happy, but for your own sanity and safety, you're going to have to take it slow. I doubt very much she wants you to beat the shit out of her or hold a knife to her throat; she probably just wants to be held down, fucked hard, and called names. It may look a little like rape, it may sound a little like rape, but if it's what she wants, then it's NOT rape.

I'm 33 and for many years I've felt a strong attraction to my mother, and for that reason have never dated. Recently, however, I met an attractive woman at work. Everything was going well until we tried to have sex. When it kept slipping out, she laughed. I'm not sure if this has anything to do with the desire I feel for my mother. In any case, I need your help.

--Momma Can You Hear Me?

The feelings you have for your mother pre-date slipping out of this "attractive woman," right? That would mean, then, that being laughed at had nothing to do with your disturbing desires for Momma. In the future, if you should have the chance to slip out of a woman again, that's not a sign that you're inept or that you should run home and fuck Mom instead. All it means is that you need to try a different position.

I want to stick a can of Reddi-Wip up my lover's ass. Well, not the whole can, just the nozzle, and then fill her full of yummy whipped dessert topping and have her crap it into my mouth. Whether you consider this delicious or disgusting, my question is this: Is it safe? I have heard that it is dangerous to blow air, even from one's mouth, into the vagina. But what about the anus? It seems that there are naturally occurring pressurized gasses in there anyway. There can't be any more pressure in a can of Reddi-Wip than there is in your average fart. I want to build the perfect dessert, but I want my lover to be safe. What's the best recipe?

-- Crack Creamer

Why not skip the Reddi-Wip and use an old-fashioned pastry tube with a nozzle attachment? You'll be able to use fresh whipped cream instead of canned whipped topping--a much better recipe for the, uh, ultimate dessert--and you can squeeze out excess air bubbles before you squeeze the cream into your sweetheart's crack. You also won't have to worry about gasses or chemicals, and your lover will know you care enough to use only the freshest ingredients.

I'm a healthy, sexually active college student in Wisconsin. About nine months ago, I cheated on my boyfriend of three years. This was bad of me, I know, and I have no excuse. I was manipulated into doing it by this guy. Anyway, I was tormented with guilt after the fact, worrying about what I should do: Should I say something to my boyfriend or just live with it? Alas, my boyfriend decided to read my e-mail while I was agonizing. I accidentally left a few e-mails in my computer that the "other" guy had written to me, and my boyfriend found them. Now he doesn't want to see me anymore or talk to me.

Two things, Dan: (1) He regularly reads your column, and if he is reading this, I want to tell him I love him and that I will do anything to make it up to him. (2) What do I do? My boyfriend is the most important and wonderful person in my life, and by fucking up once, I may have fucked up the rest of my life.

--Heartbroken in Wisconsin

Hopefully your ex-boyfriend caught this column, HIW. Now unless you hear from him, which seems unlikely, I would advise you to think of yourself as single and date accordingly.

On the off chance that your ex-boyfriend is reading this, I've got some advice for him: Being with a woman who cheated on you isn't such a bad thing. If you decide to get back together with HIW, a time may come when you find yourself "manipulated" into doing something you know you shouldn't. When that happens, if HIW finds out about it, she can't very well dump you for cheating on her if you didn't dump her for cheating on you. Being with someone who's already cheated on you is like having a get-out-of-infidelity-free card in your wallet. I would urge you to consider the value of that card before you walk away from a contrite, humbled, guilt-ridden, easily manipulated ex-girlfriend.

Confidential to Should I Run Away?:

Yes, you should. Run far, far away.