A few months ago I responded to a letter from a woman complaining about her boyfriend's taste in underpants. He wore only tighty-whities, and she insisted that TWs were a major turn-off. I disagreed. On the right man--a slim, boyish, hairless man--TWs are about the sexiest damn thing that can happen to a guy outside of Ashton Kutcher's mouth. At the end of my response to Ms. TW-phobe, I encouraged readers with slim, boyish, hairless boyfriends to send me pictures of them in their TWs via e-mail. Why? Because it's my column, and when you've got a column you can get away with that sort of shit. (If Miss Manners can do it, why can't I?) At the behest of my readers I decided to make the TW pics into a beauty contest of sorts, with the person who sent in the sexiest pic of his or her boyfriend in TWs winning a trip for two to Las Vegas. When readers complained that I had a bias--a handful of clearly delusional readers insisted that big, manly, hairy guys look sexy in TWs too--I agreed to let my readers vote on a winner.
Voting was supposed to commence on July 4 but my goddamned lawyer "suggested" I get signed releases and photo IDs for all the men whose pictures I was planning to post online. It's a good thing I listened to my lawyer--some of those whose TW pics were in my possession had no idea that their significant others were sending pictures of them in their underwear to me and Miss Manners! While some were delighted to give their consent and see their white-cotton crotches splashed all over the web, others were, uh, not. Consequently, readers won't get to vote on every TW pic that I received, which is a real shame. Liz V.'s shy boyfriend, for example, is a real babe.
Okay! Before I announce the address of the website where you can vote for the sexiest man in TWs, I'd like to answer some of your last-minute questions about the contest.
Dammit, Dan, why are you giving free shit to someone who has already won the genetic lottery? People who look good in TWs don't need a free Vegas trip; they already get enough free things trading on their looks. How about a contest based on brains?
Must Eradicate Nasty Savage Abuse
Hmm maybe MENSA's right maybe I should have a contest based on brains. I know! I could do a plagiarism contest! I could run letters from my readers but for answers use a line or two lifted from books written by other advice-givers! Then my brainy readers could do a little research, find the source material I plagiarized, and win a trip to Las Vega--hey, wait a minute! I already ran that contest and I had to cancel it because all the Mensa members out there were sending me e-mails boo-hooing about the contest being too tough!
Sorry, MENSA, but someone who looks good in his underpants is going to Las Vegas. You smart folks had your chance and you blew it.
Your current contest is this: "Readers who have boyfriends--male or female readers, gay or straight--are invited to send me pictures of their boyfriends in a pair of tighty-whities." Hey! You've disqualified all the dykes from a free trip to Las Vegas! No fair!
Don't You Know Equality?
You're right, DYKE, this contest does discriminate against lesbians. Two thoughts first, tough shit. Second, if I promise to make it up to you, do you promise not to report me to the Human Rights Commission?
In the interest of fairness and equal time, I think you should have a girls-in-thongs contest in the near future, with the same rules and rewards. I'll be the first to send in a picture of my girlfriend if you do.
I promise you, Steve, and you, DYKE, that the next objectification contest I run will focus on girls exclusively. I can't promise, however, that thongs will be involved. Outside of porn, dykes don't wear thongs, and I don't want to accidentally exclude dykes from the next contest. And then there's the small matter of my participation. It's highly unlikely that I would run any contest that requires me to spend all day looking at pictures of women in thongs.
How are you going to prevent people from voting for themselves 20,000 times to assure they win the trip to Vegas? What steps are you taking to prevent ballot-box stuffing? Will this be a fair and honest vote?
Does it matter? Was the vote that sent George W. Bush to Washington fair and honest? No it wasn't, and yet we've managed to live with the results of that dishonest, unfair election. As that's the case, I can't see that it matters much if the vote that sends some boy who looks good in his underpants to Las Vegas is unfair and dishonest. People are invited to visit the website, vote early and often, and encourage their friends and relatives to do the same.
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.
Once again, the polls open Friday, July 26, at 9:00 a.m. EST. The polls will close at 5:00 p.m., Tuesday, August 6. To vote for the best-looking contestant in Savage Love's "My Man Sure Looks Hot in His Tighty-Whities Contest" go to www.
Wait! Before I give the address, there's something I have to get off my chest. Not all the "My Man Sure Looks Hot in His Tighty-Whities Contest" contestants are actually all that hot--and that's fine. I don't mind going to Las Vegas with someone average. I'm not running this contest to get laid. I am, however, concerned that evildoers out there will vote for some of the scarier contestants--the man with the huge brown cock, the strange-looking cat with the mustache, the guy chain-sawing a dog in half--in an attempt to ruin my trip to Las Vegas. There are people out there who don't like me or my column much, and I'm afraid they're going to take advantage of this opportunity to ruin my life. That's why I'm issuing this appeal to those of you out there who do like me and like Savage Love: You know my tastes--slim, boyish, hairless--and I would be forever in your debt if you would do me a favor and cast your ballots for my kinda guys.
Okay the polls open Friday at www.tightywhitiesarehot.com.