Do I Have What it Takes to be an Airport Screener?

As our nation enters this new era of shiftless anxiety, many folks feel the call to come to the aid of their country. Some will become firefighters. Some, police officers. Some will join the service, work in flag factories, or sell Ford Tempos at 0 percent APR. And a chosen few will become airport screeners. This latter group, much scrutinized, maligned, and underpaid, is in the process of being transformed into a lean, mean federalized army of highly focused security personnel. Think you have the skills to join the ranks of this elite team? Take this simple true/false quiz and find out. Good luck!

T F I enjoy dull repetitive tasks.
T F
I consider myself sedentary.
T F
I dislike travel and travelers.
T F
I like to watch TV all day.
T F
I need the money.
T F
I'll only work within walking distance of a food court.
T F
I delight in meeting new people.
T F
I can tell the difference between the shape of a hairbrush and the shape of an AK-47.
T F
The marines wouldn't take me.
T F
I don't mind touching other people's underclothes.
T F
Full body cavity searches? Hell, I'm already an expert!
T F
I can name more than three airlines.
T F
I have been told that I "think like a terrorist."
T F
I could pass a background check (if they don't find out about the grow room).
T F
I could pass a background check (if they don't find the pamphlets under my bed).
T F
I could pass a background check (if they don't talk to my parents).
T F I hope to work my way up to flight attendant.

Did you answer "true" to 10 or more of the above? Congratulations, you may have what it takes to be an airport screener! Airport screeners get along well with lab technicians, video game testers, and people with emotional or physical disorders. They are often very good at interior painting, needlepoint, and Pick Up Sticks. Most eventually require thick reading glasses and hip surgery.