It's an old truism that no one likes to get shot in the head, so it's no wonder that everyone is a little jumpy about this whole "unidentified sniper" thing. Who is this guy? Why is he so mad? Who is he going to shoot next, and is he really choosing people at random, or is there a pattern? And if he really is shooting people at random, is THAT the pattern? It makes our temples throb. In any case, the important thing now is for the citizenry to stay vigilant and do what we can to help law enforcement identify and catch the culprit. Someone out there knows the Suburban Sniper, and it could be you. Want to be a hero? Take this easy true/false quiz. Good luck!
T F My neighbor drives a white Chevrolet Astro.
T F He's always flying off to suburban Washington.
T F He's a trained sharpshooter.
T F I would describe my neighbor's skin color as "olive."
T F He is wily and evasive.
T F Sometimes my neighbor crawls around his backyard wearing camouflage.
T F He has me in his crosshairs right now.
T F He lives with his mother.
T F He always wins the block party horseshoe competitions.
T F He landscaped his yard to look like a grassy knoll.
T F He is God.
T F He lives in a bell tower.
T F He shot my lawn gnome.
T F I suspect he has a small penis.
T F I have seen his penis, and it IS small.
T F He is a member of the NRA.
Did you answer "true" to ten or more of the above? You could live next door to the Suburban Sniper! Take cover immediately and dial 911. People who live next door to snipers often get along well with people who live next door to serial killers. Except for their homicidal and megalomaniac tendencies, snipers usually make very good neighbors and are known for their orderly lawns.