Jeremy Eaton
First I'd like to say two words you've never read in any I Love Television™ column: I'M SORRY. Okay?!? I'm freaking sorry, I was WRONG, so why don't you clap my wrists and ankles in irons, and whip my bottom till it's red. And while I totally accept full blame for my transgression, I do have one thing to add: IT AIN'T MY FAULT!

I blame the federal government. If they'd won their stoopid "War on Drugs," then maybe I wouldn't have fried my brain on coke, pot brownies, and goofballs. And then I wouldn't have forgotten that critical piece of information I've spent the majority of this column apologizing for! And while we're at it, you can ALSO blame the federal government for making me forget what I'm supposed to be apologizing for in the first place.

WaitÉ OH, YEAHHHHH. Now I remember. See, a couple of weeks ago, I did one of those stoopid "Year in Review" round-ups that newspaper writers always do when they can't think of anything new or creative to write about, and I totally forgot about one of the greatest reality sitcoms of the year: THE SURREAL LIFE.

See, the show takes seven former superstars/turned has-beens and crams them in a house for 10 days, without a single luxury (e.g., cell phone, personal assistant, or crack cocaine). Then they're forced to wash dishes, share bathrooms, and most horrifically, go to the grocery store together. But unlike most reality shows, there are no big prizes and no winners or losers--unless you count Corey Feldman, who came off looking like a dick.

As for the rest of the cast--MC Hammer, Emmanuel Lewis, Brande Roderick, Gabrielle Carteris, Jerri Manthey, and Vince Neil--they more or less came out smelling like a freaking rose, gaining a modicum of respect from an audience who had dismissed them as a joke. HOWEVER! The cast for this year's Surreal Life may not be so lucky!

That's right: The Surreal Life is returning this week (on the WB, Sun Jan 11, 9 pm) with a brand-new cast of B-listers, such asÉ Tammy Faye Messner (the former Mrs. Jim Bakker of the PTL Network); Erik Estrada (formerly "Ponch" of the hit '80s cop show CHiPS); Ron Jeremy (former porn star whose body has ballooned to the girth of his enormous penis); Traci Bingham (formerly of Baywatch); Trishelle (formerly of The Real World: Las Vegas--also known as "Trishelle WHO?"); and last but not least, Rob Van Winkle, AKA VANILLA Mother-fawkin' ICE! Somebody pinch my booty, 'cause I've died and gone to heaven!!

Plus! There's a whole new set of embarrassments for the cast, including waiting tables at a Hollywood greasy spoon (managed by Diff'rent Strokes' Gary Coleman!), a trip to a nudist colony (where Tammy Faye lets it ALL hang out!), and getting loaded and singing karaoke (Vanilla, if you don't sing "Ice, Ice Baby," you're a dead man).

So while I may have faltered by not proclaiming The Surreal Life as one of the best shows of last year, I am rectifying the situation by announcing that this groundbreaking show is my number one pick forÉ forÉ (GodDAMMIT! What year is this again?!? Curse you, federal government!!!).