MONDAY, JUNE 12 One Day at a Time has uncovered a potential multi-million dollar scandal in which Tri-Met, the Portland Police, the Oregon Citizens Alliance, City Hall, Sellwood Cycles, the Czech Republic and the Lesbian Avengers have collaborated to kill Portland road bikers--one by innocent one. One Day became suspicious after enduring two near-fatal crashes on our bike. The cause of our crash on both occasions was the "treads" put in for the "Portland City Street Car." Kay Dannon, masquerading as a "representative" for the Portland City Street Car, claims these tracks are meant for a trolley (imported from the Czech Republic!) to be completed in January 2001. However, our investigation uncovered these "treads" are precisely 1/16 of a centimeter narrower than bike tires! Any bikers who accidentally slip into the MAX track will undoubtedly be involved in a brutal, and probably fatal, crash. The number of bikers who have already been killed by this city-sponsored atrocity is currently unknown. Unsurprisingly, officials feign ignorance. "We've had about 3 or 4 bicyclists who have already had accidents," said Dannon. "We felt terrible and are trying to improve visibility in the particularly dangerous spots." Yeah, right. Stay tuned for more on this insidious and far-reaching conspiracy!

TUESDAY, JUNE 13 Just when you think there's nothing outside Portland except straw-chewing hillbillies lying around on porches drinking moonshine with their hound dogs, things start to improve. Today, the U.S. Board on Geographic Names decided to change the name of an Oregon tributary commonly known as (brace yourself) Darkey Creek. Apparently, the Board was skimming their maps, and upon discovering this landmark, said to themselves, "What's this? Darkey Creek?? Why, that's RACISM!" However, not everyone agreed that changing the name was a good idea. Ed Harne, representing the Department of the Interior, cast the sole dissenting vote stating, "By cracky, that thar's a piece of his'try! Why, I ain't never heerd of no colored folk who wouldn't want thar name on a crick!" Okay, he didn't say thatbut that's what he meant. Anyway, the racist drooling dullard was voted down, and the stream will be renamed Southworth Creek honoring Louis A. Southworth, an African-American pioneer who bought himself out of slavery.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 14 In perhaps the most heinous act of retribution ever committed by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, a federal judge gave a thumbs-up to the unchecked slaughter of 3,500 geese today in Seattle. Their crime? Indiscriminate pooping. According to the Associated Press, each goose has been dumping close to three pounds of dooky a day--turning Puget Sound beaches into slippery, gooey shit-slicks. The birds stand accused of forcing beach closures, and fowl-ing the waters with parasites. The ruling will allow federal officials to suffocate the birds with carbon-dioxide gases, making beaches safe once again for pasty-skinned white trash to frolic, swim, and dispose of their empty buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Meanwhile, down in our bed of roses, Metro handed the District Attorney the name of a zoo employee who was fired for allegedly abusing Rose-Tu, our favorite six-year old Asian elephant. Back in mid-April, two other workers witnessed the cad doing something horrific enough to cause his immediate suspension. Though authorities are unwilling to divulge details about the incident, One Day at a Time figures it was some redneck numb-nut who was having problems at home, and then taking it out on the poor beasts. Regardless, the matter is now in the hands of the DA, who will be prosecuting perhaps the first pachyderm-versus-man case in known history. Assistant DA Wayne Person told One Day at a Time they "get a lot of dog and cat cases, but no elephants." The zoo, the local union, and the police have refused to release the man's name, but if anyone knows the jerk, we've got a message for him: Pick on someone your own size!

THURSDAY, JUNE 15 Today was another banner day for the Portland Mercury, as two of our editorial staff were arrested and thrown in jail--and get this, on different charges! Though we are unable to release their names, or the specific details of their crimes due to their upcoming trials, we can tell you that it did not directly involve drugs or prostitution. We can also say that one was charged with shoplifting (see related story in Crime Scene, p 7), and the other with criminal trespassing. The latter defendant was working undercover on a story for the Merc, when she was arrested in an undisclosed one-cow town, widely regarded as being smack dab in the heart of Oregon's "bible belt" and even more widely regarded as a place where you really don't want to be arrested. Read more about her harrowing ordeal in a future issue of the Mercury. As for our shoplifter, he wasn't working on a story--he just likes to shoplift. Both employees were released from the pokey, and are now back at their desks resting comfortably.

FRIDAY, JUNE 16 Jaws across the nation dropped today in shock, as tobacco executives publicly admitted that cigarette smoking is bad for you! According to a report from Knight Ridder, executives from the nation's most powerful tobacco companies took the witness stand in a Miami courtroom, and made a formal apology for previously denying that smoking is harmful. Nicholas Brookes, chairman of Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corp., held up his right hand and told a group of hostile jurors that smoking is addictive, contradicting the previous testimony given by Andrew Schindler of R. J. Reynolds Tobacco, who once stated that tobacco was "no more addictive than carrots." The plaintiffs in this class action suit are expected to win punitive damages in excess of 100 million smackeroos, but even more importantly, now that we all agree smoking is bad for you, can everyone stop mentioning it every time I light up? Thankyouverymuch.

SATURDAY, JUNE 17 Excuse me, but can everybody just stay out of jail for awhile? Today, rapper Nate Dogg (aka Nathaniel Dwayne Hale, who helped popularize G-Funk), was arrested on charges of kidnapping, making terrorist threats, domestic violence, and arson. According to prosecutors, Dogg allegedly lost his shit, kidnapped his girlfriend, assaulted her, and set her mother's car on fire. At press time, there's no word on whether he also tore up a bunch of pictures drawn by kindergarten kids, pushed an old woman in front of a bus, and wrote a rather terse and dismissive essay on a local community theater production of The Music Man.

SUNDAY, JUNE 18 YAY! It's Gay Pride day! And once again God proved his solidarity with the queers by granting us all a beautiful parade day. However, He did come up a little short in some respects: God didn't provide enough porta-potties, and much of the parade was really boring (especially the gay AT&T employees). Also, what was up with the Christians? That religion has really gone downhill. For example, the Christians we heard ranting and raving about homosexuality were monosyllabic at best, hurling such clever and stinging barbs as, "You're STUPID!" and "You're stupid PERVERTS!" But our favorite Christian quote of the day was, "A man's penis was not made to fit in a man's asshole!" Besides forgetting that their anuses already accommodate large sticks, Christians really shouldn't curse--no one likes hearing secret fantasies described in such a graphic manner.

C'mon kids, dish the dirt!

ann@portlandmercury.com