MONDAY, JULY 10 This week begins with another defeat for our dark lord and master, SATAN. Today, one of our brother practitioners of the unholy arts by the name of Jay Scott Ballinger, got his ass in a wringer by pleading guilty in federal court to burning down 26 churches over a five-year period. According to the US Justice Department, Ballinger traveled the country since 1993, torching churches in Indiana, Ohio, California, Alabama, South Carolina, Missouri, Kentucky and Tennessee. He is expected to receive at least 42 years in prison. Now. As we all know, One Day at a Time is also a practicing Luciferian, and we strongly discourage the burning of churches. In fact, we never liked Ballinger, because whenever he attended any of our Satanic rituals, he would always end up eating all the guacamole, or staging stupid puppet shows with our slaughtered chicken. Besides, he only won 13 souls for Lucifer this year, as opposed to One Day's 132. Speaking of whichYOU! READING THIS COLUMN! Purge your everlasting soul of righteousness and surrender your life to our cloven-hoofed master Satan! Only by embracing the joy of EVIL can you find true happiness! Satan Commands Thee! Bend to his dark will! (Yay! That makes 133!)
TUESDAY, JULY 11 In a ridiculously unsurprising development today, a suburban Boston father was arrested for killing another father at a youth hockey game. Thomas Junta, a truck driver with no previous criminal record, was attending his child's hockey game when he became infuriated after a player body checked his son. When the referee (Michael Costin, whose son happened to be the one doing the body checking) refused to do anything about it, Junta assaulted him. Ordered to leave by the ice rink managers, Junta left the building but later returned. He slammed Costin into a soda machine, and then on the concrete floor. Authorities claimed Costin died instantly of massive head trauma, but that didn't stop Junta from slamming his knee into the dead man's chest and continuing to pummel him in the head. Junta is currently out on $5000 bail, but is charged with manslaughter and could receive up to 20 years in prison. And adding insult to injury, his son's team lost the game 5 to 2. I tell ya, some days nothing goes right.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 12 Speaking of nothing going right, according to a report in today's Oregonian, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has decided to adopt tougher standards against--the Portland Mercury. According to these four-eyed geeks, though most people are not at risk for health problems from Mercury, children who consume more than their daily allotted percentage of Mercury may be at "special risk" of neurological problems and learning disabilities. Now we're sorry--but this is bullshit! We would like the EPA to show us ONE kid who has been neurologically damaged by the Portland Mercury (and this should not include One Day's little brother Raymond, who was a 'tard long before we got this job). But it gets worse! Not only is the EPA blaming us for a nation of idiot children, but they're also "very concerned" about our "emissions," stating that we spew over 40 tons of Mercury emissions into the air annually, which they claim ends up in the food chain! Say, pal! It was the goddam food chain which gave us the emissions in the first place! Look, why don't you pinhead asswipes go and pick on The New York Times? At least we have funny pages!
THURSDAY, JULY 13 Stupid EPA. Anyway. One Day has been watching with escalating interest the heroics of freelance activist, Tre Arrow, who for the past seven days has been camped out on the ledge of a downtown building which houses the Forest Service. Arrow has been holding an around-the-clock vigil to protest timber sales. However, after the building owners had witnessed a week's worth of Arrow's bodily functions (picture a small plastic bucket, imperfect aim and a slick diet of beans and rice), they said "enough is enough!" and slapped a restraining order on our ledge-crawler. However, today in the court of Judge Robert Jones, the restraining order was denied, and instead of kicking Arrow off his ledge, the Forest Service was ordered to appear in court to begin mediation with the activists. Ha. Ha. Ha. (Editor's note: At press time, Tre climbed down from his perch, but left his plastic bucket of potty, which has vowed to continue the vigil.)
FRIDAY, JULY 14 Today an anonymous One Day tipster sent in this harrowing tale: During a boring day in a local hospital, a radiologist gathered some of his co-workers together to show them an x-ray of (brace yourself) a can of Barbasol shaving cream stuck inside a man's pelvic region. Apparently, the can had been inside the unfortunate man's rectum for five days, before being surgically removed. Now, while some people may buy this, One Day thinks this is an obvious urban myth. Because A) who's gonna eat a can of shaving cream, and B) how can a can of Barbasol work all the way through a person's digestive system, yet mysteriously get hung up at the anus? A can of Edge Gel shaving cream maybebut Barbasol? C'mon, people: you can do better than that!
SATURDAY, JULY 15 Today a Florida jury really screwed the cigarette companies by awarding 500,000 sick Florida smokers $144.8 billion in punitive damages. Now don't get us wrong, tobacco executives are, without exception, lying, mass-murdering bastards, but the most exciting element of this suit is the potential to blow the lid off other industries that peddle socially malignant products. We've already heard rumors of an out of court settlement surrounding the 1986 Eddie Murphy film, The Golden Child. Word is if you send in your ticket stub to Paramount Pictures, you will receive a check for $16,000 in damages. Fueled by this case, One Day is exploring litigation on behalf of anyone who accidentally or purposefully tuned into the Chevy Chase talk show (circa.1993). It may be a challenge to track down those 11 people, but once we do, One Day believes we have a very good case. There are, with respect to Chevy, some fates worse than death.
SUNDAY, JULY 16 Oh, the humanity. The New York Times reported today that John Morgan, Brit etiquette maven and "a dashingly dapper dandy," had "fallen to his death from his third-floor window." Ever the etiquette enthusiast, One Day has decided to dedicate this space to brother Morgan, who devoted his life to culling the wheat from the chaff. In his honor we offer some of his esteemed bon mots. Pay attention, cretins. How to eat a banana: "The best technique involves first laying the banana horizontally across your fruit plate, cutting off each end and then slicing the skin lengthways." Pomegranates, he added, should be devoured privately, if at all. Birth announcements should weigh precisely 335 grams, and baseball caps should be worn only on baseball fields. And take your feet off the coffee table, asshole. Godspeed, John Morgan; may you rest in a more mannered place than ours.
Tips and other breaches of etiquette should be addressed to