MONDAY, JULY 17
Nice going, Granny! Today an 11-year-old girl was accidentally run over and killed by her grandma's Cadillac while being towed on her inline skates. The victim's grandmother stated she was allowing the youngster to hold on to the passenger side of her Cadillac, which was traveling at a speed of 10 to 15 mph, when the girl tripped, fell, and was run over by the right rear wheel.
In a blatant miscarriage of justice, no charges will be filed. "It just seems like a really tragic thing," said the incredibly naîve Asst. District Attorney Matt Shirtcliff. "I could try and make an example of her. I just don't see that being a necessary thing to do." Oh, well, that's just fine and dandy, Matt! Go ahead! Turn a blind eye! But when the next 11-year-old falls victim to the crushing wheels of granny's Cadillac, the blood will be on YOUR hands!
TUESDAY, JULY 18
In an effort to re-introduce gray wolves to western states, the Fish and Wildlife Service announced today they will take gray wolves off the endangered species list, which will give the agency more flexibility with their management of re-introduction plans. Once believed to be totally extinct in our fine state, two wolves have been spotted here in the past 18 months. One Day applauds the efforts to re-introduce carnivorous, sheep-hungry species to Oregon. In fact, One Day hereby challenges the Fish and Wildlife Service to put more predators into our environment. The more blood-thirsty, the better! And why stop at wolves? What about grizzlies and lions? Think about it: jackals wandering Burnside on a moonlit night. It would help control our city's over-burgeoning population. And, what's more, it would strengthen our gene pool. Only the strongest would survive, making our city the fastest and the fittest in the country! (Our re-introduction plan is available for comment at www.portlandmercury.go-darwin-go.com.)
WEDNESDAY, JULY 19
One Day had a very unpleasant little episode with a not-so-nice young gentleman today. As One Day was jogging about midnight, near SE Hawthorne Blvd (where'd you think we get our hourglass figure-Slimfast?!) the despicable young man approached us from behind and tried to yank down our trousers! Now, let this be a lesson to all you proper young ladies out there: The correct method of combating this unfortunate situation, as we so gracefully demonstrated, is to turn around and begin kicking the young man HARD in the shins while yelling as loud as possible, "DO YOU WANT TO TAKE IT UP THE ASS?" at least four times. As soon as these magic words escaped our dainty, little rosy lips, said young man muttered the word "Sorry," shriveled up, and ran away. So what do you say, boys? Wanna take on One Day? Then you'd better bring a body bag.
THURSDAY, JULY 20
Speaking of giant leaps for humankind, some Princeton scientists announced today that they have accomplished the impossible: exceeding the speed of light. As any bespectacled, eighth grade science dork can tell you, the speed of light moving through a vacuum is 186,000 miles per second. According to Einstein in his theory of relativity, this is the only absolute measurement in the universe--the speed of everything else being relative to the observer. Well, apparently Einstein was an asshole, because these Princeton scientists recently sent a pulse of laser light through cesium vapor so quickly (now get this) that it left the chamber before it even finished entering! That blows our freaking mind! Now before you Star Trek geeks pee your pants, Lijun Wang, a researcher on the project, says that not only is it impossible to propel physical objects at this speed, but "this effect cannot be used to send information back in time." This unwelcome news was particularly disappointing to One Day who wanted to travel back to last week's issue and take back what we said about our younger brother being "a 'tard." Sorry, Raymond.
FRIDAY, JULY 21
While the scalpel heads at OHSU are as handsome and moral as Dr. Kildare, this whole notion of placing defibrillators in public places has us scratching our bums in confusion. Let us explain. OHSU is pushing hard for a nationwide study to see if emergency defibrillators can save lives. Uh, quick answer? Yes! According to today's Oregonian, at least 55 sites in Portland, Salem and Vancouver will be participating, including Lloyd Center mall, Parkplace Athletic Club, and Portland City Hall. This means there will be non-medical personnel trained in the subtle art of defibrillation, just waiting for you to nod off on a public bench in the Lloyd Food Court so they can whip out the emergency defibrillator and impress the pants off the cashier at Orange Julius. We don't know about you, but if we're going to be zapped by a thousand volts of electrical current, it better damn well be by Noah Wyle, and not some underemployed pothead from McDonald's who couldn't be trusted to wash lettuce.
SATURDAY, JULY 22
Forget surf camp, this summer it's all about "protest camp." The New York Times reported today that scores of bright-eyed, protesters-in-training have gathered in the Malibu Hills to take classes in sky-scraper climbing, chanting in couplets and resisting arrest. The campers hope to use their new skill set to bust some moves at this summer's Democratic National Convention in LA, and then maybe get jobs next season as "protest camp" counselors. Wow! Where do we sign up? But really, protesting has become so chaotic, so unkempt. Why, when we were in college, protesters marched in straight lines, and always dressed like perfect little ladies. It's good to see that some basic protest etiquette is finally being addressed. If it weren't for our inability to miss a single episode of The West Wing (and our weekly lip waxing appointment), we'd get our Slimfast ass right down to Malibu. Some protest tips of note? Be sure you have the proper permits, and always wear white shoes when "sticking it to the man" after Memorial Day.
SUNDAY, JULY 23
According to very detailed and copious reporting by The Sunday Oregonian, the Beaver state may soon steal the title of "Meth Capital of America"--right from underneath California's surgically altered nose! Seems that Mexican drug cartels are pipelining the stuff up here like Exxon. Which started us thinkingAlaskan residents get an annual kickback for allowing their natural resources to be sucked away through the Alaska Oil Pipeline. This oil kickback is often over 1,000 dollars per person. That's enough to buy nine lifetime subscriptions to Timothy McSweeney's literary journal, and still have enough to get a pack of zigzags and a uniball semi-fine. Now, we're no Allen Greenspan, but if the Mexican drug cartels want to turn our fair state into a jazzed-up, biker-laden meth lab, then why fight it? We turn the other cheek, maybe throw in a Bunsen burner or two, and then rake in the dividends! After that, the sky's the limit! We can take the whole operation public, and blow the lid off the bull market. We'll never have trouble funding the Yellow Bikes program again!
Ann for President! Send your nominations and hot tips to firstname.lastname@example.org