This Week's Theme: RIGHT OR WRONG?

Hi, kids! Boy, it sure was an exciting day for sky-gazers especially the ones who witnessed the U.S. military blow up a dummy warhead over the Pacific! Now we know a lot of you may have been frightened by the triangular missile shooting through the Portland sky and then exploding in a billion pieces. Perhaps you might have run inside screaming, "Mommy, Mommy! Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is coming to get me!" Saddam is not coming to get you, silly. This interceptor missile test was actually designed to insure that Saddam Hussein never launches a nuclear warhead at your home, church, or school. And even though today's terrorists prefer using "ground warfare" (such as bombing nightclubs) rather than expensive and unattainable nuclear missiles, we should still pour as much money as possible into a interception system that has only successfully hit its target five out of seven times.

Question: Is "Auntie" Ann right or wrong about giving more money to military missile interception systems?

Answer: She's right! You see, it's not just the al-Qaeda or Iraqis that want to incinerate you, it's the North Koreans as well! They are much farther along than Iraq in their nuclear weapons program, and are far crazier than Saddam Hussein! For more information, consult One Day's "Wednesday, October 16" entry, or your local library.

While we're sure your birthday parties are lots of fun, birthday parties for celebrities are even more thrilling. According to the New York Post, famous R&B singer Usher celebrated his birthday today at the very fancy Highlands Club in L.A. His guests included such famous people as Vivica Fox, Lauryn Hill, Shaquille O'Neal, and JaRule. Even Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, who is a white person, was in attendance. Things got extra special when Usher went on stage to thank his guests, and Bobby Brown (who your parents remember as a washed-up singer and Whitney Houston's husband) joined him on stage. According to a guest, Bobby was "stumbling around" a lot, and "got down on his hands and knees and started bowing to Usher." When Usher introduced him to the audience, Bobby went all "Jekyl & Hyde" and started screaming at Usher, "You need to respect me! You took my spot! You are taking away my shine! I should be on stage, not you!" Security guards then carried Bobby away before he could start a fistfight with Usher.

Question: Was Bobby Brown right or wrong to say the things he did to Usher?

Answer: He was right! It may be hard to understand now, but when you're older you'll realize that what many publicists say is true: "There's no such thing as bad publicity." Especially if your last big hit was "My Prerogative" way back in 1988.

The President of the United States of America is George W. Bush. And today, he was quite startled when North Korea gleefully announced to the world that they have a secret nuclear weapons program. You see, North Korea isn't supposed to have a secret nuclear weapons program. In fact, anyone planning on building secret nuclear weapons are supposed to tell the United States about it beforehand! North Korea has been mad at the United States and its neighbor South Korea ever since the Korean War, which you may remember if you've ever watched any reruns of M*A*S*H.

Question: Should President Bush be startled and upset?

Answer: You bet! Let's imagine there's a bully at your school and you think he's been providing other bullies with rocks to throw at your friends. You tell that bully, "Hey, I think you have a bunch of rocks in your pocket. Get rid of them, and then leave our school forever." This makes your classmates say, "Whoaaaaaa that's so cool and brave." However, then an even bigger bully comes along and says, "Hey. I've got rocks in my pocket, too. What are you gonna do about it?" So you see, now that President Bush has picked on a smaller bully (Saddam Hussein) to impress his Republican friends, he now has an even bigger bully (North Korea) to contend with, as well. Therefore, he has every right to be scared shitless.

Have you heard of the "Suburban Sniper"? According to an eyewitness, he's an olive-colored man using an AK-74 assault rifle to shoot people at random. He then quickly flees the scene in his cream-colored van with a burned-out rear taillight. But policemen are now upset, because the eyewitness made a lot of that stuff up, or lied. Now the police feel like they have to start all over again, which if you've ever had your clean dishes licked by a dog, you'll realize is very depressing. The policemen are also mad at the media. The "media" is television, radio, magazines, and newspapers (just like the one you're reading now!). According to the policemen, "When we have people from the media interviewing witnesses and publishing reports, we get confusion. It gives people tunnel vision and makes them focus in on things that are not appropriate We would like to be able to do our job."

Question: Is the "media" right or wrong?

Answer: They are RIGHT. It is the duty of the "media" to present all available facts (whether they are true or not) to a frightened and uninformed public. It is also our duty to say the media is always right, because if we didn't, our media baron boss promised he would fire us.

Today The Pope rejected the U.S. Roman Catholic Church's new sexual abuse policy aimed at protecting kids like you from sneaky pervs in priest collars. Why? The Pope says that the sweeping zero-tolerance crackdown against priests touching your bathing suit areas needed to be revised because elements conflict with "universal church law." What the heck does that mean? No one really knows! The letter from The Pope and his friends (together they are known as "The Vatican") gave no specifics of the provisions that it found troubling. However, it was clear that "The Vatican" is not one hundred percent against pedophilia.

Question: Was The Pope right or wrong to reject the church's new abuse policy?

Answer: He was wrong! As you probably know from numerous short school films as well as pamphlets handed out by your guidance counselors, grown-ups--EVEN priests!--are not supposed to touch children on their booby or pooping or peeing areas. Have you been touched inappropriately by YOUR priest? Tell your mommy or daddy right away. And remember, no matter what that priest told you, God is just a scary story adults make up to make kids do what they tell them.

Today, the Suburban Sniper shot and critically wounded a man outside a Ponderosa steakhouse. The good news? The police believe the sniper left them a message. Montgomery County Police Chief Charles Moose (No, he's not a REAL moose!) asked during a brief news conference that the person who left the message call the police right away. "To the person who left us a message at the Ponderosa... You gave us a telephone number. We do want to talk to you. Call us at the number you provided. Thank you," Moose said.

Question: Was it right or wrong for the sniper to leave the police a message?

Answer: It was right! If you are a serial killer it is always polite to leave a note for the police men and women who are chasing you. However, the sniper's note seems to have been somewhat confusing. There are proper ways to write letters to grown-ups, so if you ever have to write a letter to the police, be sure that you write legibly and sign your full name.

Does it hurt to be stabbed? Two fans of the rap artist Nelly found out when they were stabbed at a Nelly concert. The Associated Press reported today that one fan has died, while another remains in the hospital.

Question: Is it right or wrong to hold Nelly responsible for people stabbing one another at his concert?

Answer: It's wrong! Nelly is a big star and he can't help it if some of his fans are angry, angry people. All he can do is try to be the best rap star he can be, and send fat checks to the victims' families.