MONDAY, NOVEMBER 20
Today we are so very deeply annoyed by the political turmoil and the subsequent media response to "the situation" in Florida, One Day has decided to shut our eyes and ears and concentrate on the important things in life like the newest urban legend! Over e-mail today, Tiffany sent us a warning about some truly devious shenanigans occurring in, of all places, a Fred Meyer parking lot. According to the story, a pair of hooligans have been stopping shoppers and asking them if they would like to "sniff perfume they are selling at a cheap price!" Naturally, some might say, "Well, why not? I love perfume, and I love saving money!" Well, those people shouldn't say that, and they shouldn't sniff the perfume, because according to the email warning, it isn't perfume at all! It's ETHER! And after sniffing the fake perfume, the email says (in capital letters, which means it's really important), "YOU WILL PASS OUT, AND THEY WILL TAKE YOUR WALLET AND ALL OF YOUR VALUABLES." As you can probably imagine, we were on the verge of panic after hearing this horrifying tale of shopping woe. Thankfully, Tiffany wrote back within the hour informing us she had since learned it was all an " urban legend" after seeing the story on a website (www.snopes.com). So don't worry, folks! If a stranger asks you to sniff something in a parking lot, go ahead! It's perfectly safe!
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 21
While the following news item is disturbing, what's even more disturbing is how the story probably won't surprise you in the least. The Corvallis police department reported today they will be looking into who could've left two duck carcasses at an intersection near the OSU campus a day before the Civil War football game. According to Lt. Pat Mollahan of the Corvallis P.D., the two dead ducks (whose breast meat had been carved out) were found hanging from a guy wire at the intersection of Western Blvd. and 13th Street. Conventional detective work would seem to confirm that the perpetrators were probably OSU Beaver fans who wanted to send a warning to the opposing team to the effect that "after engaging in a game of football with us, it is likely you will resemble the remains of these unfortunate birds." If apprehended, the person or persons responsible will be charged with "offensive littering," and if One Day were their judge, they would be sentenced to having their eyes pecked out by angry relatives of the dead ducks. By the way, the Beavers won the game 23-13. Happy now?
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 22
It took a few tries, but today the Spokane, Washington police department finally broke up a local, twisted sex ring known affectionately as the "Bondage Discipline Sadist Masochist Club." On October 28, two Japanese college students were abducted by three people who are believed to be the leaders of the sex ring. In spite of their abductors' propensity for bondage, the two captives escaped almost immediately. Unfortunately, police failed to follow up with any investigation, and didn't even bother to file a report. Not surprisingly, a few weeks later, the bondage bandits allegedly struck again. This time, they kidnapped three more Japanese students from Mukogawa Fort Wright Institute, a Japanese exchange college in Spokane. Though one of the students was released, the other two were held captive in a basement for two weeks until an anonymous e-mail tip finally led to the arrest of the three kidnappers. And speaking of college students
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 23
Today, a Reed College student ruined the Thanksgiving festivities for a family in SE Portland. As the Davis family was sitting down for their traditional Thanksgiving meal, the oldest daughter Kimberly, a student at Reed college (and possibly a lesbian), began ranting about how the Thanksgiving holiday was nothing but a " celebration of genocide." According to the 19-year-wold anthropology major, the indigenous Native Americans showed their hospitality to the pilgrims only to be rewarded with "alcoholism, mass murder and measles." Scott Davis, the patriarch of the family, expressed his displeasure with Kimberly by throwing his napkin on the table, and yelling, "Is this where my good money is going? To a school filling your head with rubbish?" Kimberly retaliated by informing Scott that his answer was typical coming from " the privileged white male oppressor." At this point, Kimberly's mother, Sarah, burst into tears and ran from the table. Scott barked, "Now see what you've done?" and set off in pursuit. Kimberly's brother Mark retired to his bedroom with a plate of food and a bong, while Kimberly ate her holiday meal at the Paradox Café along with her "special" friend, Meghan.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 24
The whole world breathed a sigh of relief today when The Oregonian revealed that the unauthorized videotape of the wedding of canoodlers Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas would not end up in the hands of the paparazzi. As any star watcher knows, the couple had promised the full photo rights to a British tabloid for more than 1 million dollars--half the cost of the mega nuptials. The tape was made by a sound engineer who tiptoed into the wedding, past a few hundred of New York's finest. After six-figure offers from tabloids, the sound engineer had a change of heart and gifted the tape to the creepy couple. This made Mrs. Zeta-Jones-Douglas "really very happy." Pamela and Tommy Lee, stars of another unauthorized videotape, are said to have sent a nice letter.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 25
The New York Times reported today that a Starbucks had been opened in China's Forbidden City. Our only question was, what took them so long? The Forbidden City, a centuries-old palace complex that housed China's emperors, is still considered quite splendid and sacred by the 5 million Chinese who visit there each year. Now those visitors can stop for a latte just outside the Palace of Heavenly Purity. What do the Chinese think of everyone's favorite java-slopping mermaid? "Chinese people don't like it too much, but we're working hard to change their minds," said one of the store's employees. That's the spirit! The Forbidden City Starbucks is said to be the first in a series of spiritually-centered cafes that play an important part of the company's year 2001 profit plan. Other rumored café locations in the works? St. Patrick's Cathedral, Westminster Abbey, and The Great Pyramid of Giza.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 26
This is horrible. Today a tennis ball exploded, resulting in the death of a chocolate Labrador. According to The Oregonian, a man was walking his dog at SE 34th and Crystal Springs Boulevard, when the ball they were playing with blew up. This is not funny. This is horrible. The man had found the ball, which was wrapped in tape, and engaged in a game of fetch. The ball exploded in the dog's mouth, seven feet from where the man was standing. Neighbors, who heard the blast, quickly gathered, and the authorities were called. The dog, who was extremely injured, was euthanized on site. "You'd be surprised how many calls we get like this," said a spokesman for the Portland Police Bureau. ????
I'm just a squirrel looking for a Hot Tip nut.