This incessant heat has got to stop! It's wreaking all sorts of damage, especially in the form of wildfires. In fact, the situation has become so dire that Governor John Kitzhaber has declared a state of emergency, calling out the National Guard to assist in putting out the blazes. While One Day compliments the governor for realizing the seriousness of this situation, he should also be calling for a state of emergency regarding a problem directly relating to us ladies: the fire down below. That's right. YEAST INFECTIONS. Not only is this gross affliction spreading like wildfire through the Mercury office, it is causing countless Portland women unnecessary discomfort and unbearable scratchiness. (Don't believe it? The bare Monistat shelf at Walgreens should provide proof a-plenty!) If you count yourself among this unfortunate horde of women unable to keep your fingers away from that itchy yeast-pool, fear not! Here are some tried and true remedies: Try Boric Acid suppositories, Gynelotrimin (instead of Monistat--that shit don't work!), and sticking garlic up your hooter. But the best cure is Bach Rescue Remedy Cream (find it at your local hippie store ahhhhh, so soothing). Things not to do: Don't have sex, don't have ORAL sex, don't wear underpants, don't take a hot bath, and especially don't cut hot chili peppers and touch your Yani. Talk about your state of emergencies!
TUESDAY, AUGUST 14
Today was a victory of sorts for the hippies of Hawthorne, when the public relations firm representing McDonald's announced that while their restaurant planned for 34th and Hawthorne will still be built, they will not be adding a drive-through. Regardless, it just goes to show that community involvement can make a difference, and if you don't believe it, just ask the Hindus. McDonald's also announced today, they will now provide more information about their food's ingredients. A lawsuit was filed claiming the franchise didn't reveal there was (gasp!) beef flavoring in their french fries. The suit could possibly provide up to 16 million Hindus (whose religion forbids them to eat cow) with class action status. A statement issued from McDonald's noted, "Because it is our policy to communicate with customers, we regret if customers felt the information we provided was not complete enough to meet their needs." Wow! Who knew a robot could be taught to be passive aggressive?
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 15
The results are in: 70% of Europeans think George W. Bush is stupid. According to a multinational poll released today, of the 4,000 adults polled in France, Germany, Italy, and Great Britain, 70% thought that George W. knows less about Europe than other American presidents--and that includes Ronald Reagan, who was really, really stupid! In fact, two-thirds of British and Italian respondents say they have little to no confidence in Bush's ability to handle world affairs. However, the Germans are cutting him a little more slack; 51% say they have some confidence in his abilities. Bush immediately struck back with some of his own statistics, claiming that "110% of French people stink," "557% of Germans are Nazis," "332% of Italians make bad pizza," and "Great Britain that's in England, right?"
THURSDAY, AUGUST 16
Hey, Gays! Better cancel that trip to South Dakota; they won't even let you pick up trash there! The Sioux Empire Gay and Lesbian Coalition is suing the state of South Dakota for refusing to let them participate in a highway litter cleanup program. It seems the state will not post a sign recognizing the group--even though they gladly hang signs thanking churches, political parties, and animal advocacy organizations. "Everybody else gets a sign!" stamped the group's attorney Mike Abourezk. However, the suit has fallen on the deaf ears of the state's Republican governor, William Janklow. He has threatened to kill the entire trash pick-up program, rather than bestow the gays with a sign thanking them for their efforts. Naturally, the governor is an idiot. Gays are the most fastidious people in the world and should be allowed to tidy up as much as they wish. (However, if they are using rainbow-colored trashbags? Well. That's a whole 'nuther bucket of crabs.)
FRIDAY, AUGUST 17
Many of you may have read about the fiscal crisis in Brunei, due to the Prince of Brunei's poor money management. Reports claim he frittered away 15 billion dollars, leaving his tiny nation to eek what they could from a massive yard sale that included several of the Prince's gold-lined Jacuzzis. Well, we have a confession to make: We spent the Prince of Brunei's fortune. We met at the Bandar Seri Begawan Hyatt a few years ago, and one thing led to another. What can we say? NOTHING happened. It was completely INNOCENT. But the Prince was smitten. He bought us a thousand cars and a marina. We explained we had no place to pack them, but he insisted on shipping the booty home in the belly of the Queen E II. For an entire month afterwards, we received lovely gift baskets from the prince, filled with money. Of course, we never responded. Being totally spoken for. Being absolutely in love. But, well, it seemed unsafe to send back all that cash in the mail. So we spent it. On Biore facial strips (those are EXPENSIVE), massages, pennywhistles and moonpies. We had no idea he had 35 children. We swear.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 18
The New York Times reported today that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld wants a "smaller, more nimble military." Rumsfeld, who is currently working on revamping the U.S. Armed Forces, would not specify what exactly he meant by his comments, nor how he would achieve it. Perhaps yoga and pilates? Rumsfeld, reportedly an enthusiastic Jerry Lewis fan, evidently has tired of the brawny military archetypes of yesteryear. His comments follow on the heels of the recent replacement of the Army recruitment slogan, "Be All You Can Be," with the more confusing and Broadway-ready, "An Army of One." You may also remember that the Army recently ordered natty new black berets, only to cancel the order when the media discovered the berets were being made in China. Rumsfeld, who himself is smaller and more nimble than most secretaries of defense, has promised that a flexible, well-toned military can be just as deadly. The move is said to signal a friendlier stance towards gays in the military. Ya think??
SUNDAY, AUGUST 19
Children can be such a bother, can't they? Now it's even getting harder to medicate the little no-neck monsters. The New York Times reported today that several states are introducing bills requiring that only doctors can recommend Ritalin, as opposed to teachers or helpful strangers at the park. Apparently, some people think the Ritalin thing has gotten a little out of hand. (We have been noticing more full-page color ads of placated, large-headed darlings in our Ladies' Home Journal.) Apparently, Ritalin is so ubiquitous that grown-ups who don't even need it are taking it for their own nefarious purposes. One elementary school principal in Utah was sentenced to 30 days in jail after stealing his students' Ritalin and replacing them with sugar pills--clearly contrary to the goal at hand. We're not sure what the fascination is. We took Ritalin once and spent the rest of the night babbling about Communism and sucking on our fingers.