MONDAY, AUGUST 27 It was what some would call a normal evening at the Blackbird, Portland's indie-rock haven that is until an off-duty cop smashed his truck through the wall! For the newsier details of the incident that, frankly, bore us to tears, please turn to "News, pg 7." But here's what happened on the kids' side of the wall from the point of view of the record spinner on the scene, DJ Retrograde. "As is my wont, I, DJ Retrograde, was DJing the subversive new wave hits for the people, as part of Blackbird's weekly New Rotic new wave cavalcade [Thanks for the shameless plug, deej.--Ann]. I broke out of my drunken trance state long enough to notice the entire population of the bar migrating towards the kitchen area which, upon further inspection, was issuing forth a cloud of "something." Fearing a kitchen fire would distract from my awesome mix, I stopped the OMD record ("Genetic Engineering") and clamored to see what the matter might be. Among the usual kitchen accoutrements, I was shocked to notice a pickup truck had crashed through the back wall and landed next to the cooler. After owner Pat Kenneally informed me there were no injuries, I lept back behind the wheels of steel and promptly played 'Motorcrash' by the Sugarcubes and then 'Oh Shit' by the Buzzcocks." Thanks DJ Retrograde! It's nice to know there are those among us who can still keep their heads in times of tragedy and focus on the stuff that's really important.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 28 Need further proof that Seattle has become a really crappy place to live? Steel yourself for the following horrible story: Today a 26-year-old woman leapt from a 160-foot-high bridge after motorists passing by began yelling phrases like "Jump, bitch, jump!" Incredibly, the woman survived, but is still in serious condition. At the same time furious commuters were screaming at the mentally ill woman, a local radio DJ named the "T-Man" played splashing sound effects on his morning show as mental health officials attempted to coax her off the bridge. Now. Hubby Kip and ourselves lived in Seattle for many years and finally left because it was becoming all too apparent that the city only cared about the quality of life for developers and Microsoft millionaires. In their everyday decisions, they told every citizen, "The appearance of our city is more important than the people living here." They enacted anti-poster laws, forbade people from sitting on the sidewalks, and closed mental health facilities. (Remind you of any city you're living in?) That was five years ago. And now they're scratching their heads wondering how people can be so cruel, and how the city could have become such an ugly place to live. Watch and learn, folks. This is what happens when you let a vain city hall make your decisions for you.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29 Okay! Enough depressing polemics! On to what you really come to One Day for: dishy Hollywood gossip! Who was that smashing her rented Dodge into a traffic sign and some bushes? Nope, it wasn't a vacationing Portland off-duty cop, it was actress Natasha Lyonne! The 22-year-old star of American Pie 2 was whooping it up tonight at South Beach nightclub Crobar, and according to witnesses, "drinking a lot of vodka and anything else she could get her hands on." Oh, but it gets worse! The same source noted, "Then she grabbed an empty champagne glass, and threw it over the balcony!" Hopping into the car with her Saving Private Ryan hunk, Adam Goldberg, the two were hotrodding down the road when she skidded and crashed into a traffic sign and some shrubbery and then left the scene of the accident. The cops quickly caught up to her, where she announced to the arresting officer, "I'm a movie star." Unsurprisingly, the cop was not swayed by this powerful argument, and that's when she made her second request, "Can I talk to my entertainment lawyer?" She was arrested, and released after posting $2,000 bail. Meanwhile, Natasha's American Pie 2 gal pal Tara Reid was also suffering her share of embarrassments. While dining at a posh Upper Eastside restaurant, Tara was seen wearing hip-huggers that were so low-slung, the entire eatery got an unwelcome view of her "plumbers crack." Girls, girls, girls. American Pie 2 will never win an Oscar if you keep up this kind of behavior!
THURSDAY, AUGUST 30 Item! Tom Cruise: Still not gay! Cruise, who has been suing an erotic gay wrestler named Chad Slater for comments made in May about an alleged affair between the two, won a victory of sorts today after the wrestler admitted the rumors were not true. And apparently, the court case was just as embarrassing for Slater, who told E! News Daily, "My family was hurt deeply. To turn on the TV and see your son is an adult entertainer, which you didn't know, and secondly, your son is being sued by Tom Cruise for $100 million well, that's a lot to take." And that my friends, is the Bud Light™ "Quote of the Day!"
FRIDAY, AUGUST 31 Today Seattle felt bad for the whole "jump, Bitch, jump" thing and made a half-hearted attempt to make it up to the 26-year-old woman, still in serious condition in the hospital. Dozens of people sent flowers, and over a hundred people called the hospital to wish her well, though most of them were from out of state. According to The Oregonian, one Seattle woman felt so bad that she showed up at the hospital with a "letter of empowerment" and an invitation to a women's retreat. Another woman visitor said that she wanted to "tell that young woman that Jesus Christ loves her." The 26-year-old thought she had it rough before the suicide attempt. Is Seattle trying to murder her?? What does she have on them? Has she ever worked at Microsoft? Does she know who killed Kurt Cobain? Want to do something nice for her? Send her a one-way ticket to Miami. And watch your back. Before The Emerald City turns its killer ninja eye on YOU.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 1
The New York Times reported today that a 19-year-old boy was sentenced to listen to four hours of polka for driving through Cambridge, Ohio, with his windows rolled down and his truck's stereo blaring. Judge John Nicholson of Municipal Court found Alan Law guilty of disorderly conduct and ordered him to pay a $100 fine or listen to polka tunes. Law chose the polka, and listened to tunes by polka king Frankie Yankovic, "Cleveland polka legend," whose hits include "Blue Skirt Waltz," "Who Stole the Kishka," and "Too Fat Polka."
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 Elizabeth Dole, wife of Pepsi commercial actor and Viagra pitchman Bob "Easy Boy" Dole, has moved back in with her mother. Proving that you're never too old to go home, Elizabeth showed up at her 100-year-old mother's house with thirty pairs of red pumps, hot curlers, and Max Factor extra-fine cake make-up in tow. Her mother, Mary Hanford of Salisbury, North Carolina, confused by the commotion, accidentally agreed to let Elizabeth shack up with Bob in Elizabeth's childhood bedroom, which is where they are now in the throes of who knows what. Mary Hanford, no dummy, did lay some ground rules. No necking on the Queen Anne. No reefer. No Britney Spears. And Elizabeth has to find work within a year. Elizabeth, who hopes to win a North Carolina U.S. Senate seat, has been busy writing slogans on construction paper and attending fundraisers held by Women With Perfect Hair.