TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30 Despite all those "unspecified threats" (none of which have happened yet), you know things are getting back to normal (at least in Los Angeles) when actor Gene Hackman gets kicked in the nuts. The nut-kicking in question transpired when Hackman (star of The French Connection, Unfor-given, and Heist, his new film opening Friday) accidentally rear-ended a Volvo in front of the Virgin Megastore on Sunset. After both vehicles pulled to the curb, the Volvo driver leapt out and began screaming at the two-time Oscar winner. According to witnesses, Hackman patiently listened to Volvo's verbal barrage, until something was said--no one knows what--that made Hackman smack the guy in the chops. About a half-dozen blows were exchanged before Volvo decided to up the ante by giving Hackman a resounding kick in the coconuts. Ouch. Volvo wrestled Hackman to the ground, who was then rescued by a tow-truck driver, who considerately dispensed bandages to both. Could this have been the "unspecified threat" John Ashcroft was speaking of? It makes total sense! If the enemy is going to strike, why not go after one of our country's national treasures; the 71-year-old testicles of Gene Hackman! THOSE TERRORISTS ARE MONSTERS, WE'RE TELLING YOU!!
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31 But let's move on to specific threats, shall we? Rocker Courtney Love, who did not kill her ex-husband Kurt Cobain (because she really gets mad when you say she did), has been hitting the road with her new band, Bastard, and making a few enemies along the way. E! Online reported today, that while opening for Jane's Addiction at the Hollywood Bowl, the outspoken diva hit the roof when she was told to cut her set short because of neighborhood noise ordinances. Naturally, she blamed Jane's Addiction frontman Perry Farrell for this slight and proceeded to lambaste him onstage. "Perry just told us we have only two songs left before we have to get off," Love screeched, before adding, "FUCK YOU, Perry Farrell, we're going to play four!" After finishing the next song, the sound was cut, the house lights came on, and a roadie physically carried the kicking Love offstage, to the cheers of a previously disinterested audience. At their next gig in Ventura, Love made yet another specific (and weird) threat to Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst. "I'm going to fucking kick him out of your ass!" she said to a confused and unenthusiastic crowd. "I'm so fucking sick of him playing golf with all the fucking [record] executives. We're going to show him what '60s punk rock is." Apparently, not looking forward to having Fred Durst "kicked out of their ass," most of the crowd left before Love could complete her exhibition of "'60s punk rock." Yippee! Another "unspecified threat" successfully thwarted!
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 1 Not to be outdone by Attorney General John Ashcroft, California governor Gray Davis announced today that he had "credible evidence" of an unspecific threat that might actually be specific! According to information he gained from various law enforcement agencies, Davis said the terrorists would most likely strike the Golden Gate Bridge or, if not that, probably the Bay Bridge. But just in case all bridges look alike to terrorists, they would most definitely probably try to attack the Vincent Thomas Bridge. But if that didn't pan out for one reason or another, we should all absolutely, without a doubt, maybe expect a direct attack on Coronado Bridge--unless of course, it's a different bridge entirely or perhaps, not a bridge at all. Ohhhh-kay! Good to know. After canceling Jane magazine, hiring kids to open our mail, not going to work, and using more Clinique products, we'll definitely not drive over any bridges or things that are not bridges, but may or may not look like bridges.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 2 Today the Justice Department confirmed Governor Gray Davis' heart-clutching yammering about unspecified groups that were going to carry out unspecified attacks against unspecified West Coast bridges. HOWEVER, the Justice Department said that attributing these threats to "credible evidence" was a bit of a stretch. The warning, sent Wednesday to law enforcement agencies in California, Washington, Oregon, Arizona, Nevada, Utah, Montana, and Idaho was based on "low level" evidence and CERTAINLY not of the caliber and importance of Attorney General Ashcroft's very serious and credible warning of earlier in the week. The Justice Department then implied that Davis was overly skittish and probably a fairy. Davis, who clearly believes that the terrorists have just been practicing for their true mission to blow up California, remains impervious, if just a little blithering. Have the terrorists even heard of California? Is anyone guarding the charming wooden footbridges of Utah? Are Gene Hackman's testicles really all right? We have a lot of concerns.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 3 Holy militia! The sheriff of Clatsop County in rural Oregon is going to get us all shot in the head. The New York Times reported today, that in response to this week's unspecified threats, Sheriff John Raichl has proposed calling up 125 armed volunteers to help police his county. He wants this citizen army to be deployed in pairs to protect remote critical sites such as high-power transmission lines, natural gas pipeline control stations, electrical substations, and meth labs. Sheriff Raichl is particularly worried about a 4.1-mile suspension bridge spanning the Columbia River. (You know Clatsop County is right up there on the terrorists' to-do list. Right under "Obliterate California," and "Squash Gene Hackman's testicles.") Volunteers would only be allowed to carry rifles or shotguns--automatic and semiautomatic weapons will have to be left in the baby's room at home. So far about 20 men have responded to the call. They are described as "semi-retired or retired, often with service in the military." Many of them own pitchforks. While most have seen A Few Good Men, all but two report "not getting it." We are going to send Sheriff Raichl our old subscription to Jane, in the hopes that it knocks some sense into him.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 4 Despite the fact that terrorists are almost certainly going to annihilate California at some unspecified time in the next ten minutes, the twice-postponed Emmys went on tonight. Sure, Ellen was a hoot and looked lesbian-chic in her lady tuxedo, but there were some noticeable omissions. Security and gravity prevented the pre-show red carpet perp walk, a shame since Joan Rivers would have had a ball with many of the attendee's definition of "business formal." Most of the gals looked as if they just took a pair of pinking shears to their evening gowns just above the knee. In an effort to play down the show, the shows producers nixed the massive glass podium of years past, for a more somber simple oak table ($59, at Ikea). There were also some awkward odes to America, including a satellite feed of Walter Cronkite, who has apparently fled to Canada. Were there improvements? Sure. Happily, all but a few presenters forsook annoying Teleprompter chatter and went straight to the envelope, and since half the winners weren't there to accept, the show went on at a clipped pace. The climax of the evening? Babs Streisand's surprise finale! (She clearly did not get the memo about business formal or has a very romantic idea of the lives of women office workers.) Conspicuously absent? Gene Hackman.