TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 20 Looking for the hottest new fashion accessory? Then look no further than the new FDA-approved birth control patch! Today federal health officials gave the A-OK to the world's first contraceptive patch, said to be as safe and effective as the pill and twice as stylish. Given the sexy name of "Ortho-Evra," this stick-on anti-baby-maker emits low doses of hormones through the skin, but like many other high fashion accessories, doesn't work so well on fat people. In clinical trials, 3,319 women were given the patch, and only 15 got pregnant--but one-third of those ladies weighed over 198 lbs., indicating that the patch wasn't pumping out enough preggo-preventing hormones for heavier-set gals. Regardless, this stylish sticker is perfect for fashion models like Kate Moss, whose career would surely be destroyed by an annoying screaming child. And it's easy to apply, as well! Simply slap it on the skin: lower abdomen, buttocks, or upper body--anywhere but the breasts. Though for now it only comes in beige, Ortho-Evra can easily be fancied-up with rhinestones, sparkles, and the anarchist symbol for ladies who like to make a point. So girls, don't delay! Get the Ortho-Evra anti-pregnancy patch, today! It's a fashionable, and smart way to tell the world, "Don't worry, fellers! I'm knock-up proof!"
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 21 Today, you could've knocked us over with a feather after hearing the news that the Portland police told Attorney General John Ashcroft to stick it where the sun don't shine. Last Thursday, the United States attorney's office here in Portland asked the police to assist in Ashcroft's plan to question a group of 200 young Middle Eastern men regarding any knowledge of terrorist activity. Over 5,000 men are expected to be interrogated nationally, and happily, Portland was the first city to say no to their bullshit witchhunt. Acting police chief Andrew Kirkland (Chief Kroeker was on vacation this week--lucky him) said in an interview with the New York Times, "the decision was not difficult," because Oregon law prohibits questioning immigrants when they are not suspected of a crime, and the only issue is their foreign citizenship. Kirkland was quick to point out, "I grew up in Detroit, and I hated police with a passion. They were always stopping and bothering me. I figured the only way the police are going to win over the community is to stop this kind of activity, which is like racial profiling." OH MY GOD!! Finally, a voice of reason--and from Portland, too!! All together now: "We love Chief Kirkland! We love Chief Kirkland! We love Chief Kirkland!!" Naturally, there was an outcry of dissent from assholes across the country--many of whom sent letters to the Mercury (see "Letters," page 3)--accusing Portland of being unpatriotic. One such letter noted, "I am of the opinion that Federal funds (my tax dollars) should not be provided to un-American communities such as yours. Get your money from your Arab community. Try traveling to Kandahar or Baghdad to spew your liberal minutia and see how long you stay alive." You'll be happy to know that our own commie-in-residence and champion of civil rights, Julianne Shepherd, responded directly to this hateful missive with one succinct phrase: "Oh, why don't you go eat a donkey." That's tellin' him, Julianne!
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 22 Happy Thanksgiving! Or at least it would have been if One Day had neglected to mention the following fact at the dinner table: According to the Dept. of Agriculture, one in ten turkeys may be infected with salmonella. Government testing has revealed that an astounding 13 percent of 2,200 turkey samples from 50 plants across the country were infected with the bacteria. And while salmonella sure ain't anthrax, according to health scientist Matt Jackson, "These bacteria can cause diarrheal illnesses that can cause a few days of great discomfort." Happily for the One Day family, our only discomfort came from stuffing our fat faces with turkey, dressing, and the entire contents of three gravy boats. However, when it comes to salmonella, we're not out of the woods yet! Scientists also noted that another side effect of the bacteria is watching at least ten episodes of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon on FX. We watched 11.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 23 Today was "Buy Nothing Day," an annual show of shopping abstinence, during which right-thinking people go a whole day without buying anything at all in order to draw attention to the needless over-consumption that is so rife in the developed world. We were planning on partaking but slipped and bought a box of tampons, three candelabra light bulbs, a tub of Toby's Light and Spicy Tofu Pate, a nice Australian boutique shiraz, an Epson inkjet black ink cartridge, a copy of The Art of Sexual Ecstasy, and a pound of Peanut M&Ms. We were still feeling pretty good about ourselves because, though we did not actually "Buy Nothing," we did verbally encourage others to buy nothing, and that counts for something. But then we heard about a man in Cherry Valley, Illinois, who not only bought nothing, but also actually set himself on fire in a suburban shopping mall. According to The Oregonian, the man shouted "freedom and liberty for all," hurled some "flaming objects" at shoppers, and then set himself ablaze. Two shoppers subdued and extinguished him.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 24 Today The New York Times reported that Carlos Sànchez, the man who regaled us in our youth as that sensible folk hero and coffee pusher Juan Valdez, has been told to hang up his poncho. Sànchez has been playing the mustached, mule-friendly Colombian since 1969, and has made the character one of advertising's most enduring protagonists and an icon for little boys all over America, many of whom hoped to one day grow mustaches and own their own mules. The decision to shelve Valdez was due to plummeting profits. Apparently, coffee prices have sunk to a 30-year low, though you wouldn't know it from what they charge you by the pound at Nature's. Speaking of the death of culture, The Times also reported that Mary Kay Ash, the "Mary Kay" of Mary Kay Cosmetics, died Thursday, surprising most Americans who believed that she had died shortly before the last Tupperware party. She looked resplendent in pink right up until the very end. Or at least until 1996.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 25 A research company announced today that they have cloned the first human embryo--news that pissed off a lot of people, and caused several others to hop about happily. We can only presume that Mary Kay's pink Caddy has been thoroughly combed for microscopic bits of hair and skin.
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